Why some women don't find sex toys pleasurable: Unpacking the reasons

Over the past few years, we have seen a rise in conversations around women's pleasure and their sexual needs. This is undoubtedly a huge step towards women's empowerment. Vibrators or massagers are often portrayed as life-altering equipment for women.

This is because women's sexual pleasures were hardly spoken of let alone prioritised. Most women even today are unaware that they too can experience sexual pleasure. So when they take charge of their sexual desires and pleasures in their own hands through the use of toys and explore something never experienced before, they end up finding it life-altering. Further, the portrayal of pleasure derived from vibrators in various movies and series adds to this.

Although women loving vibrators might seem like an obvious thing, some might not feel the same. The writer has had conversations within her social circle where some women have spoken about not finding vibrators much effective for various reasons.

Some say they miss the intimacy and touch of their partners and thus find the device boring, while some say it doesn't quite hit the right spot. A few also stated feeling uncomfortable with the thought of using a tool to experience pleasure. Does that mean there is something wrong with their sexual health?

We had to speak to someone who could share their unfiltered thoughts and expertise on this topic that most people often brush under the carpet.

Dr Tanaya Narendra popularly known as Dr Cuterus says, "Different strokes work for different folks."

"Everybody responds to pleasure and stimulation differently. So if somebody feels like they are not getting the desired or expected pleasure using those toys, it is perfectly alright. Some people require different kinds of stimulation and some people only work best with their partners. This doesn't mean there is something wrong with their sexual health."

There are many mental barriers too, attached to using sex toys. Some may find the use of toys intimidating or even the very idea of exploring one's own sexuality. According to Narendra, to be able to derive pleasure from them, one has to overcome these barriers. A majority of women are conditioned to believe that sex and the pleasure derived from it are bad. It is thus necessary to first do away with these false beliefs.

Further, a lot of people may not be able to enjoy things the same way in a particular time frame simply because it is overwhelming for them. Even if some manage to get past their mental barriers, sometimes it just doesn't work for them.

We also roped in Anushka Gupta, co-founder MyMuse to reflect on this subject. She says, "Using intimate products is a new concept for a lot of people. As a society, we have started talking about the concept of female pleasure and started accepting toys only now. Toys and bedroom products aren't something to be ashamed about. Yet, it can be intimidating for some people, because it's either looked upon as something that's used when there's something ‘wrong' with you, by people who have had an active sex life, or by those who are single. None of this is true. Bedroom essentials are like any tools you would use to make your life easier and better."

Does the use of vibrators have a negative impact on a couple's sex life?
Most people believe that toys will make their partners redundant and refrain from indulging in them. "This is the biggest misconception," says Narendra. Adding to this, Gupta says, "We keep reiterating that our massagers are not replacements of partners. They're meant to enhance intimacy for you and your partner. Massagers are great tools for self-care and should only be viewed as such."

Narendra stresses the need for people to understand how vibrators work to help achieve pleasure. She says all of our representations of sexual pleasure for women in the media are penis-and-vagina or penetration-centric. Most toys don't penetrate. The purpose of good-quality, best-selling toys made for women is focused on clitoral stimulation. Toys through clitoral stimulation bring orgasms, not by penetration. So the need for a partner for sexual satisfaction will never fade away.

The expert adds, "We also try to counsel couples and help them understand that you can use toys together to enhance your pleasure as opposed to letting it become a competition issue. Doing so can help both partners get better orgasms as opposed to being terrified that the toy will replace you."

Are vibrators the only source of ultimate sexual pleasure for women?
Sexual pleasure is diverse. What works for one may not work for the other. Everybody has their own needs and ways of fulfilling those needs. Narendra says, "We often recommend exploring your body and desires first before investing in external equipment. Figure out what works best for you. For some people, pressure does wonders instead of actually putting a massager there with vibrations or an insertable toy. Some people simply enjoy squishing body parts together and putting indirect pressure on their clitoris. This can be pleasurable for a lot of people. The technique is called ‘syntribation' and is one of the most common ways in which a lot of women or people with vulvas masturbate. So no, vibrating toys cannot alone be the source of sexual pleasure."

How can first-timers buy the right massager?
A massager is said to have multiple mental and physical benefits. It helps one de-stress and sleep better due to the release of endorphins that occur after the usage. It also helps individuals reduce feelings of anxiety and depression. The use of vibrators is also said to boost one's confidence and promote self-love. For some, a massager can also help relieve period cramps.

Considering the benefits and the positive conversations around the use of sex toys often tempts women to give it a shot.

Gupta states that Introducing a massager into one's self-love routine can feel like a big step, and it's completely natural to feel nervous about it. "Just remind yourself that your journey of self-love and exploration are deeply personal and unique, and there is no rush whatsoever. You can start by exploring your body with your hands first before investing in a massager. As a first-time user, I recommend using massagers that are easy to use, high quality and that will make you feel empowered to explore more and try new things. A mini vibrator is great for any vulva owner in their journey, but even more so for beginners."

Adding to this, Narendra reiterates, "If you are enjoying exploring the pleasure a toy gives, then go ahead. If you're not enjoying it then that's also okay. I think there is a lot of pressure put on people to do things in a specific way. It's not a must-do thing at all. If it works for you, go for it. It's like tasting food; some people want to eat kimchi and try different kinds of kimchi and some people really don't. That is completely okay. I don't think toys necessarily need to be pushed on everybody."

If you plan on trying out vibrators, it is essential to follow basic sexual hygiene. If you plan on putting anything inside your vagina, make sure you read the label or product carefully. Understand its use and purpose. Finally, always wash toys before and after each use. This is paramount.

On a parting note, Narendra says, "The point of focus should be to explore what works best for you and figure out how you can actually integrate that into your sexual lives for your overall well-being."