How fathers can build a meaningful connection with their children

ldquoTherersquos a social conditioning that mothers are the primary caregivers They have gone through the stages of pregnancy and breastfeeding which naturally facilitates bonding with the child On the other hand fathers have for long been regarded as providers rather than nurturersrdquo says clinical psychologist and relationship counsellor Deepali Batra addressing common stereotypesWhich stereotypes you ask The ones that place fathers as the strict half of the two parents with less bonding and minimal engagement with the child and more traits of a disciplinarian You must have seen this image in movies maybe in real life tooIt is a mindset that is not only a popular belief but has also materialised into the truth for many fathers who prioritise securing the future of the family during the childrsquos formative years hence they are not always available for the childldquoIn my practice I have met many men who are not emotionally expressive because they have never had a male role model in their life who is comfortable showing vulnerability or is emotionally available for the child especially in the growing yearsrdquo shares Riddhi Doshi Patel a Mumbaibased child psychologist and parenting counsellorldquoMany fathers are not available during the formative years of the child due to demanding work schedules and other reasons Additionally many think that the most important thing is for the mother to be there which leads to both physical and emotional distance between the father and childrdquo she addsHowever with a shift in parenting patterns in recent times this mindset is also changingldquoFathers want to be available for their children They are taking leaves participating in the upbringing of the child and just being present in their childrsquos liferdquo Deepali remarksWhy is fatherchild bonding importantIt is crucial for children to have a strong bond with their dads for more reasons than one According to mental health experts the connection one has with their father not only helps in shaping their identity but also their psychologyRiddhi reveals ldquoThe children who have fathers who were emotionally involved in their upbringing tend to have higher selfworth awareness and regulation of emotions and their relationships with people around them are generally healthyrdquoThis bond also plays a role in the child feeling safe secure and comfortableAdditionally it facilitates learning for a child as fathers are generally viewed as mentorsldquoChildren usually look up to their fathers as mentors and learn a lot of life skills from them The bond also plays a role in the academic and career success of the child The more supportive fathers are the more the children growrdquo Deepali explainsAnother important aspect is that the child observes how the father interacts with the mother and learns from this behaviourWays to strengthen the fatherchild bondGiven how important it is for children to have a healthy bond with their fathers it becomes imperative for both sides to work on developing it And this doesnrsquot always mean overt expressions of love and care Sometimes intentional gestures and conversations matter the mostFor Mumbaibased finance professional Shreya Hundekar attending Zumba or dance fitness classes with her father is the most special bonding experienceldquoDance is really close to me it is the most special thing And spending an hour or so just doing Zumba with my dad and dancing with him brings complete childlike happiness to me I cherish those moments so muchrdquo she expressesThe 29yearold also finds happiness when her dad makes her favourite chai anda bhurji and a breadbutter sandwich for her whenever she visits her parentsFor 22yearold Anushka Shisatkar too the fatherchild bond finds special meaning through food ldquoMy dad keeps sending me recipes of dishes he thinks I can cook under 15 minutes He also keeps sending me reels of all the restaurants we can visit together when I come back homerdquo she sharesldquoAlso he cooks whatever I want whenever I want it If I am cooking something hersquoll come over and start prepping and completing steps I donrsquot want to like cutting veggies or frying nuggetsrdquo she addsSpending quality time is one of the most important ways to bondldquoThere should be some rituals or activities that facilitate spending quality time with kids This can be gardening exercising cooking grocery shopping etc Additionally fathers can look for commoninterest activities and participate in them with their child This can be drawing cycling on weekends visiting museums community service or even dancingrdquo Riddhi suggestsBesides quality time open communication and intentional conversations and behaviour are also importantldquoFathers should have meaningful conversations with the child about emotions and other important things This facilitates emotional bonding Additionally show your vulnerable side to your child They need to know that a father can also feel dejected and a father can also cryrdquo she addsDeepali states ldquoA child picks up how the father behaves with family members and other people around him If fathers talk openly without judgement it encourages open communication for the childrdquo adding ldquoTight hugs are also important A hug embodies the feelings of presence security and protectionrdquoWhat if a conflict arisesWhile taking steps to strengthen your bond is important so is knowing how to navigate a conflict situationThe experts have the following tipsFor fathersChildren as young as 8 or 9 years old have a perspective now and they want you to listen So listen with patience pause and then respond Donrsquot react immediately Instantly correcting or disciplining them may backfire Instead of blaming shouting threatening adopt a problemsolving approachWhenever your child is upset acknowledge their feelings Use phrases like I understand or You can talk about it Avoid judging your child In some cases their behaviour might be wrong but their emotions are validApologise if you made a mistake This can help your child open up more and also show that apologising is not a weaknessWork on yourself If your emotions are wellregulated your children will followFor childrenUse lsquoIrsquo statements instead of lsquoyoursquo statements For example instead of saying ldquoYou were rude hence I am behaving this wayrdquo say ldquoI feel hurt when you shoutrdquo or ldquoI feel rejected when you donrsquot listenrdquoIf therersquos a heated argument going on donrsquot react to the conflict and immediately get into solving it Let things calm down then explain your perspective Donrsquot stretch the matter take some time and spaceTalk it out instead of blaming your father or parents There needs to be an open communication channel