Why coming out is a never ending process, not a one-time event

LGBTQIA individuals navigate the world differently from cisgendered heterosexuals While being closeted comes with its share of unresolved emotions being out doesnrsquot exactly remove the stressors of the queer existence ldquoComing out is not a onetime thing it usually happens in circlesrdquo says Dr Umang Kochhar a queer affirmative therapist and psychiatrist with more than 20 years of experienceSubstantial data is not available in India yet but mounting research across the globe points to poor mental health among queers According to the American Psychiatric Association members of the LGBTQIA community are more than twice as likely as heterosexual people to have a mental health disorder in their lifetimeNo matter how safe a space or a relationship feels for most queer people fear hesitancy and anxiety are precursors to coming out Having to decide whom to come out to on an everyday basis means carrying a perennial psychological burden ldquoA lot depends upon your perception of how people will react The kind of anxiety and rejection sensitivity people have to go through is a grim reality A lot of times it makes them feel like they cannot come out at allrdquo adds Kochhar Fears of rejection of physical safety and of disappointing others are commonplace and navigating them is a prominent stressorThe community represents an extensive range of identities and expressions of sexual orientation and gender Additionally queer individuals are diverse in terms of caste religion and socio economic class This intersectionality leads to varied experiences MidDaycom spoke to queer individuals across the spectrum to better understand their varied lived experiences and opinions on the continual process of coming outHarshun Hehim22 cisqueer manA techie based out of Goa Harshun identifies as queer ldquoQueerness is a concept hard to grasp in India since our society is obsessed with categorisation The lack of awareness makes it hard to come out due to the additional pressure of explaining your identity When one does it multiple times to different people in different spaces there is a constant discomfort because people place their own assumptions about you above your realityrdquoTalking about his experience Harshun recounts ldquoComing out for me was similar to ripping off a band aid only to find out that the wounds underneath were way too deep to be healed Its tragic to find out why you could never fit in or feel comfortable in your skin You must first experience the discomfort of exposing your vulnerabilities However each time you do it it gets easier as you get more comfortable and confident in your identity Especially when you find people who reaffirm rather than challenge it is the greatest feeling in the world I think coming out to someone is a great litmus test to figure out if a person is genuine and open minded or judgementalrdquoToshi Pandey Shethey29 Nonbinary pansexualToshi identifies as a nonbinary pansexual and hails from Prayagraj UP ldquoAs a nonbinary Hindispeaking individual a major obstacle is not having a word to describe yourself in the language Hindi is more gendered compared to Bengali or South Indian languages Language is a tool and not being able to convey your identity is a gap which creates a distance I didnrsquot know what pansexuality was I identified as bisexual I didnrsquot have the resources just like many queer people are unaware of the extensive terminology I do believe a lack of knowledge due to a lack of tools cannot be equated with ignorancerdquo shares PandeyAlong with her friends from the community Toshi founded RAQS Resistive Alliance for Queer Solidarity to spread gender sexuality and mental health awareness She wonders ldquoDo we really have the concept of coming out in India We are still questioning where we are right now The country isnrsquot even thinking about us When I was 25 I promised myself I wouldnrsquot live a lie and came out to everyone in stages First I came out as bisexual to my PhD guide and asked him if he will terminate my PhD pursuit Based on my experiences and those of my peers academia isnrsquot a safe space for queer people so I was pleasantly surprised when he was supportiverdquoTalking about her choice of pronouns she tells us ldquoI use lsquoshersquo as a pronoun even when I donrsquot identify with it to put others at ease I have been comfortable with my existence and lead a chill life now after taking a lot of stress I have let go of the hate anger frustration and have to choose myself everyday The world will adjust because they donrsquot really care No benefits to harbouring anger and manifesting it in your body There is much more to you than an identityrdquoJasleen SheHer30 Transgender womanComing to terms with yourself and embracing the fluidity of the spectrum is an evolving task Jasleen an event planner based in Delhi shares ldquoAs a kid I used to wonder if I understand things slower Is something wrong with me Itrsquos been a long journey to accepting that I am a gender queer person I used to think I was gay gender fluid and now I identify as transgender Identity is fluid it keeps changing Irsquom way more beyond my gender sexuality and body Earlier I was marginalised abused and hated for being different but now I am adored respected and celebrated for being differentrdquoBecause of appearance transgender nonbinary and gender fluid people may not have the liberty of coming out as compared to straight passing that is being viewed as straight by others queers Visibly queer people walk through the world differently ldquoI find straight passing people privileged Friends who love me will invite straight passing queers to social events like weddings and birthdays but skip transgender nonbinary and gender fluid people for optics mdash these are the things that hurt Straight passing people have an option to attend pride wearing makeup and dress however they want but I donrsquot have a choice I canrsquot hide itrdquo explains JasleenReflecting upon what happens when agency is taken away because of not being straight passing Jasleen says ldquoEven if I want to act straight passing I cannot act that way because it is a traumatic experience which causes anxiety and depression There are certain spaces and relationships wherein I want to take my own time to come out You might know 10 people but you will want to gradually come out to them Not everybody deserves to know the real you take your own time Coming out is not just verbal itrsquos a lot of nonverbal cuesrdquoPooja Gohil Sheher26 cisbisexual womanA photographer from Mumbai Pooja has always wondered whether cisgendered heterosexuals had to come out before their 18th birthday Would that change anything ldquoI first came out to my best friend at the age of 16 which was followed by coming out to a set of close friends and family Empathy is easy for those most like us but it is very difficult in the abstract A queer lived experience is so different from that of the straight and cisgendered For me the journey to accept myself was gradual because the world I live in had not yet equipped me with the language and the knowledge to comprehend my tenyearold selfrdquo shares Gohil Coping with the idea of who you are versus whom you believed yourself to be is a constant struggle for queer people ldquoI would love to make even a small step in order to help the people feel normal and to let them know that they belong here I know because I would have liked that for myself too I truly feel for each one of us coming out is definitely not a onetime thing Itrsquos an ongoing burden and a constant rollercoaster of emotions In that sense your own story is never ending your own coming out is truly a renewal of spirit and self But as hard and challenging as coming out is I also truly believe that it is as rewarding too because once you come out everything shifts for you Everything feels much easier there is a sway when you walk out in the worldrdquo Ashish Chopra HeHim26 cisgay manAshish is the first runner up of Mr Gay India 2018 has appeared on MTVrsquos Elevator Pitch and performs drag The HR Professional is also a part time motivational speaker sharing his coming out journey in corporate India He first came out in high school to three of his closest female friends who had assured him that it was lsquonormalrsquo ldquoMy heartbeat would spike I would get super scared especially in the workplace afraid of their reaction what if they hit me what if they reject merdquo admits ChopraldquoMy brother was the second person to tell me it was okay Then in college I told my roommate Shailendra and he told everyone Even though I didnrsquot want to go all out it felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders It took me a very long time but I have accepted myself initially I didnrsquot even know what was happening with me because of the lack of sexual education The world is wrong to make fun of us we arenrsquot wrong Sex education across ages is the need of the hourrdquoWhen his coworkers wondered he came out to them and found them to be supportive ldquoMr Gay India 2018 was everywhere in the newspapers but people would still ask me Even being on television wasnrsquot enough It never stops coming out is a continuous process I had to repeatedly come out in corporate spaces as well They eventually asked me to train the leadership on how they can be allies and sensitise them towards my journey It has taken 810 years to get to a point where the hesitancy has subsided I have my friends and family strangers donrsquot matterrdquo shares ChopraDr Umang KochharQueer affirmative therapist and psychiatristldquoThe primary struggle for members of the LGBTQIA community is to understand why they are the way they are The confusion the question marks the intensity of emotions can be extreme The feeling that we arenrsquot being true to ourselves that we are wearing a mask and not leading an honest life majorly hits selfesteem Especially in the case of trans it is also about whether you can accept yourself or not then it becomes even more difficult to come out to others Stigma starts from outsidemdashfrom employers landlords people you interact on a day to day basis service providers extended familymdashbut at the centre is selfstigma which is very strongrdquo shares KochharldquoGradually you come in touch with your desires and thoughts and struggle with expressing them Sometimes it becomes difficult to fit into a peer group due to something as simple as wearing the clothes you want tordquo the expert saysldquoParents are the ones who need therapy The usual response is to brush it under the carpet or people have come to me with their child to fix them The initial reaction is mostly denial then anger negotiation depression Acceptance comes in the endrdquo observes Kochhar ldquoWe need more platforms where there can be some hand holding for parents and family caregivers the more we talk about it the better it will becomerdquoAlso ReadHow to ask for and get pronouns right when addressing diverse gender identities