International Friendship Day: How to sustain and nurture friendships remotely in the Covid-era

On International Friendship Day, we speak to Mumbai-based counselling psychologists Vidhi Tamboli and Urveez Kakalia to understand the burden of the pandemic on friendships and how can we continue to nurture them remotely

Research suggests building meaningful relationships is the key to enhanced and prolonged happiness. In a society obsessed with romantic relationships, we often fail to acknowledge the importance of friendships- relationships that are much more likely to stand the test of time and be a constant source of joy and comfort. “Friendships play a unique role in our lives, different from the social support we may receive from our partners,” says Urveez Kakalia, founder and counselling psychologist at ImPerfect.

While we talk of putting in constant effort to keep a romance alive, we expect our friendships to run on auto pilot, even when the possibility of people turning complacent or growing apart is just as likely. The pandemic had left us isolated- locked away from our loved ones, effectively turning our friendships into long distance- even if one lives 5 kilometres apart. 

“Maintaining long distance friendships doesn’t come easily to everyone: they have to be nurtured with a balance of patience and understanding. This ‘new normal’ completely changed the dynamic of how to maintain sustained friendships,” says Vidhi Tamboli, co-founder and counselling psychologist at The Mood Space. It is important to acknowledge the gaps we’ve been experiencing, and take active steps to cope. Based on inputs from both counselling psychologists, here are five ways to nurture friendships remotely:

Emphasise shared experiences: Taking out time periodically to create shared experiences is vital. Watching a show, attending an online event, or playing Catan together can become something to look forward to.  

Celebrate their wins: Whether it is a birthday or a work achievement, try to partake in their joy. Whatever your love language might be- a heartfelt note, flowers, or sentimental gifts, celebrate in ways that make your friends feel loved. 

Simulate in-person activities you love: If your favourite thing to do with your friend was to go to your neighbourhood bar for happy hour, set up a virtual happy hour or if you miss sweating it out together, schedule an online yoga class. These activities will serve as a constant reminder of how fun it is to enjoy each other’s company. 

Put an extra effort in conversation: Our deepest conversations are reserved for in-person interaction which has led to many of us being stuck in a loop of talking about pandemic data or sharing vague updates from our work-from-home life. Using online prompts to break the pattern of monotonous conversation can be an engaging way to maintain the bond.

Create new rituals: Working from home might have left you and your friends’ scrambling for time together. Building rituals, like a standing weekly call, and being devoted to them can help ease the stress of scheduling.

We adapted to being remote workers but did we ever stop to think how good of a remote friend we are-especially in times as full of distress as ours. “When a quality relationship is lost or when we're constantly living amidst conflicts - we feel dysregulated emotionally and psychologically,” says Tamboli. 

The burden of the pandemic on our relationships has been immense and is reflected in the increased prevalence of depression and anxiety across the globe. “From interactions with over 4,000 people in the past three months at The Mood Space, over 30% have reported relationship-related stress and anxiety. Common concerns of disappointments, unmet expectations, miscommunication, trust issues, and other such related conflicts have been on the rise - leading to unmanageable emotional outbursts and feelings of further isolation”, explains Tamboli. 

Below, Kakalia and Tamboli list psychology backed ways to be supportive of friends in the Covid-era:

Respect the others’ decisions and boundaries: The extent of social distancing being practiced varies from home to home. One mustn’t be upset at someone if they choose not to meet you, and must respect that decision.

Recognise and accept: Work schedules, familial commitments, or simply a lack of energy or willingness might disrupt your plans. It is important to remain flexible, realistic, and be more cognisant of the unprecedented situation we are all in. 

Ask what they need: Most relationships suffer because we expect the other person to ‘just know’ what the issue is. One of the most effective methods to overcome this is to simply ask your friend what they need support with, or what kind of support they would like from you instead of assuming.

Regular check-ins: With everyone’s mental health taking a hit, cultivating a practice of checking-in can be helpful. Friends you haven’t heard from in a while might be suffering from increased anxiety or stress, checking up even when things seem fine is a way of letting them know you are there for them, rain or shine.

How to respond to issues you might not understand or relate to: Being honest about your lack of understanding while communicating your support is the best thing to do. Don't feel the pressure to be a problem solver for everyone; a listening ear is all they may need. If required, you can also encourage them to seek professional help- this will aid in destigmatising the process.

Both Urveez Kakalia and Vidhi Tamboli consult online via Practo and The Mood Space respectively.

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