Building bridges: How to have a tough conversation with your partner

Having tough talks with your partner can be a hard nut to crack Chances are you might stumble upon a favourable path or be caught off guard by an unpredictable response When 23yearold Kausar Hameed name anonymised attempted to broach the topic of finances with his girlfriend he recalls how he was met with erratic tantrumsIn a conversation with Midday he opens up about this conundrum ldquoI feel like I have to navigate a maze just to have basic conversations with her It worries me when we have to talk about children and other important aspects of life We just dont seem to be a team and I neuter anything I have to say that may be controversial or problematic Honestly this has begun to bog me downrdquoDo others also experience this Aashmeen Munjaal a Mumbaibased mental health and relationship expert remarks that it is common to mistake communication for the art of effective speaking Often we try to articulate our emotionsconcerns to our best capacity and yet fail to convey the messageWhich brings us to our next quandary ndash how does one navigate the complexities of tough conversations with their partners To dig deeper Middaycom sat down with three relationship experts and racked their brains on how to delve into complex discussions safely and pragmaticallyWhat not to do while having a complex conversation with your partnerOne common mistake couples make while engaging in complex dialogues is to approach it with a confrontational tone which often leads to defensiveness and escalation remarks Suman Agarwal mental health counsellor president of The Image Management Professionalsrsquo Association image mentor and TEDx SpeakerldquoUsually one has a counterargument ready for the other persons statement before they even finish speaking This is being responsive and not listening to what the other person is trying to put across Practice caution as it is one of the major pitfalls that lead to communication breakdownsrdquo Munjaal highlightsThis preemptive readiness to rebut can actually hinder genuine listening and understanding It creates a dynamic where one persons focus is more on defending their own perspective rather than truly comprehending their partners viewpoint This habit can erode communication and trust within the relationship as it prioritises being heard over active listening and empathy she addsSecondly its essential to maintain a respectful and empathetic demeanour and try to understand each others perspectives rather than assigning blame shares AgarwalAnother pitfall is avoiding the conversation altogether due to fear of conflict or discomfort Munjaal emphasises that ignoring issues can lead to unresolved tensions and resentment in the long run Additionally rushing into the conversation without proper preparation or consideration of the other persons feelings can also hinder effective communicationTaking the time to plan what you want to say and anticipating potential reactions can help facilitate a more constructive dialogue Finally failing to actively listen to your partners concerns and emotions can impede progress and prevent meaningful resolutionListening vs UnderstandingThere are various layers to listening remarks Munjaal The initial one is hearing everything that is said verbatimmdashthat is without any words being added or removed It is about listening to the person fully in the present free from any preconceived notions or assumptionsThe first step in developing better listening skills is to start a new discussion with every voice that comes into your field of hearing Communication breakdowns typically result from the other persons tone or your own even slightly negative judgment of them This is because more often than not observations show that these issues are not the reason for communication breakdownsFor instance someone may say Aww they care so much about my quality of life while another person may respond Who are you to talk about my life to a comment such as You are not serious about your lifeAnother method to counteract the impacts of prejudice in hearing is to take a few minutes sit down in a quiet place and list at least ten positive attributes about the person you are having a breakdown with Munjaal asks that we do this for three weeks ldquoTake steps to maintain your positive attitude and express your gratitude to that person and youll see a noticeable improvement in the caliber of your conversationrdquo she addsWhat to do while having a complex conversation with your partnerWhen discussing sensitive topics like finance fidelity and future planning with a partner timing and place gain primary importance remarks AgarwalChoosing a time when both individuals are calm and free from distractions allows for focused attention and open communication Secondly opting for a private setting allows both parties to engage openly without fear of interruption or judgmentOne effective approach is using I statements where individuals express their feelings needs and perspectives without blaming or accusing the other person Active listening is another essential technique allowing partners to fully understand each others viewpoints and validate their feelingsSetting ground rules for communication such as avoiding interrupting or criticising can create a safe and respectful environment for dialogue Additionally utilising frameworks like the XYZ technique Express Your and Zinger where individuals express their feelings state their needs and propose solutions can help structure conversations and keep them focused on finding solutions rather than dwelling on problemsShe sums it up by highlighting that its essential to approach these discussions with empathy actively listening to each others perspectives and validating feelings Setting aside dedicated time and creating a supportive environment fosters productive dialogue enabling both partners to address concerns and work towards mutual understanding and agreementBe mindful of these factorsTalking about delicate subjects like money loyalty or making future plans with a spouse necessitates great care and consideration to have an effective conversation Here are some tips shared by Dr Pavana S consultant psychiatrist relationship expert and sexologist from BengaluruAcknowledge the emotional climate that exists between you two before raising these issuesPlace yourself in your partnerrsquos shoes By understanding their viewpoint and fears communication becomes more compassionate and effectiveSome time should be taken to clarify assumptions and correct any early miscommunications in this discussion processPrioritise emotional safety avoid harmful language and commit to ongoing communication to maintain trust and honesty in the relationshipManaging onersquos emotions and reactions during difficult conversationsDuring difficult conversations with their partner Agarwal shares the following strategies to manage their emotions and reactions effectivelyRecognise and acknowledge your own emotions before engaging in the conversation Being mindful can help declutter your thoughts and understand how you feel and why you might be feeling that way It also helps in being present in the moment and focusing on the conversation at hand Avoid drifting into past grievances or future worriesAdditionally physiology also plays a role in controlling how one reacts Practice deep breathing exercises to calm yourself and regulate your emotions Take slow deep breaths to centre yourself and reduce stress At the emotional level try to understand your partners perspective and empathise with their feelings even if you disagree This can help you approach the conversation with compassion and understandingAnother important act is to pause and reflect If you feel overwhelmed or triggered during the conversation take a pause Step back reflect on your emotions and consider how you want to respond before continuing the discussionImprove your communication with these 5 gesturesldquoLove is a word often misunderstood and love in itself means when you are keeping yourself in positive and good feelings about someone or something irrespective of the other personrsquos behaviour or responserdquo Munjaal elucidatesSo technically one usually has a romantic relationship married relationship caring relationship being there for each other relationship but to reach a place of having a ldquoloverdquo relationship where there is joy and meaningfulness you must practice the following tipsQuality time together Spend quality time with your partner regularly engaging in activities you both enjoy Whether its going for a walk cooking together or simply cuddling on the couch nurturing your bond through shared experiences strengthens your emotional connectionShow appreciation and affection Expressing gratitude and affection towards your partner reinforces their value in your life Small gestures like saying lsquothank yoursquo giving compliments hugs kisses or surprise gestures of love can make your partner feel appreciated and loved deepening the emotional intimacy in your relationshipRespect and support Respect each others opinions boundaries and individuality Show support for your partners goals dreams and aspirations and be their cheerleader in both good times and bad Mutual respect and support create a safe and nurturing environment where both partners can thrive and grow togetherResolve conflicts constructively Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship but how you handle them is key to maintaining a healthy bond Approach conflicts with empathy and understanding listen to each others perspectives and work together to find mutually beneficial solutions Avoiding blame criticism and defensiveness fosters a sense of unity and teamwork in resolving issuesContinual growth and exploration Relationships thrive when both partners are committed to personal growth and exploration together Keep the spark alive by trying new things setting goals as a couple and continuously learning about each other Embrace change and adapt to the evolving needs of your relationship ensuring that it remains fulfilling and meaningful over time