Queer dating tips by the community, and for the community

Dating is puzzling for most people and the onesolutioncuresall approach of cisgendered heterosexual persons is of limited use to LGBTQIA persons Whether it is growing up without having the tools to selfidentify or the increased incidence of mental health issues among the LGBTQIA community the lived realities and thereby the challenges of navigating dating differ drastically for queer individuals Representation of the experiences of queer individuals is a powerful way to bridge that gap by offering insights to LGBTQIA individuals and furthering the understanding of allies Ahead of Valentinersquos Day we spoke to queer persons across the wide spectrum who share their dating wisdom along with queer dating tipsSusmita M SenguptaNonbinary female pansexual and polyamorousSheTheySusmita M Sengupta identifies as a nonbinary female who is pansexual and polyamorous Years of dating albeit offline alongside her evolving queer identity have contributed to the diverse experiences she has had ldquoAs a panpoly person I have experienced dating which has been somewhat different from most I knew I was queer when I was about 11 I didnt know what the word to use was or if it were normal Once I started understanding queerness I identified as bisexual for a long time It was well into adulthood that I realised that gender queerness plays no role in my attraction to peoplerdquo shares SenguptaDo not fetishize and make inappropriate suggestionsMost of her relationships have been monogamous as its difficult to come across poly persons The 40yearold has had only one poly relationship and has been in a monogamous relationship for the past 9 years without either of them stepping outside the relationshipWhen asked about the perception of polyamorous and pansexual individuals Sengupta shares ldquoA problem that I have faced as a panpoly person within the community is the stereotype of people assuming I am incapable of being faithful That is not how either pan or poly works The consent of my partner is very important to me An absolute red flag for me is when people fetishize pansexual or bisexual persons If they make any conversation about trying a threesome or similar innuendo too soon I leave ASAP I have found both binary genders can be homophobicrdquoSharing another major red flag when it comes to queer dating tips the New Delhi resident states ldquoAnother red flag is when people try to corner me to do things I do not want to In the case of men I find it is mainly sexual favours while in the case of women it is emotional support I like doing both but it can be oppressive if expectations exceed more than what I am willing to giverdquoAcknowledge gender queernessAs a genderqueer person it is important for prospective partners to acknowledge her as nonbinary even though Sengupta passes as a cisgender individual She explains ldquoThe one thing I have learnt the hard way is if someone is disrespectful on the first date cracks insensitive jokes about your identity or the community do not dismiss it Sometimes its subtle Sometimes you may be moved to laugh with them But if it makes you uncomfortable listen to your gutrdquo Some green flags she looks for include liberal people who align with her ideologies political inclinations and interestsChoose when to be outThere might be instances when dating can be an unsafe space for LGBTQIA individuals especially when they come across homophobic people For queers looking to date Sengupta insists on choosing selfpreservation amongst the top queer dating tips ldquoBeing open about my queerness has backfired many times but it has not deterred me I just learnt when to hold back Pick your battles If you are out and proud its important to display it so that we can encourage others to come out or be themselves by being an example But at the same time selfpreservation is of utmost importancerdquoRahul Singh Cisgay manHeHimRahul Singh name changed on request identifies as a cisgay man and has been in a loving relationship for the past five months The Jaipur resident is a Kathak dancer and has faced his share of obstacles dating in a comparatively conservative city ldquoSocietal acceptance has still not reached a point where my partner and I can be out as a couple We need to be mindful of othersrdquo says SinghBe wary of fake profiles on dating appsBefore the 24yearold started dating his partner Singh found dating applications such as Grindr to be the primary platform to meet other LGBTQIA persons in Jaipur Due to a lack of offline safe spaces to meet other queer people turning to dating applications is a discreet option for the community However coming across fake profiles on these dating applications is extremely common with instances of blackmailing threatening to reveal the queer identity of an individual also reported across the country ldquoWhile dating applications were the only source to date many people did not post photos or share fake photos on their profiles Once I had gone to meet someone and he turned out to be 20 years older than his photos suggestedrdquo recounts Singh As trust is hard to establish especially in smaller towns he suggests meeting in a public place first to ensure the prospective person is actually who they claim to be A layer of trust can be built by sharing social media such as Instagram profiles as wellTake it slowWhile Singh wasnrsquot certain of what he was looking for he and his partner were both open to possibilities when they first established contact ldquoI was questioning myself a lot but I was willing to be a friend or a casual fling without being specific After a few months of exchanging messages on Instagram I finally ran into him at a queer event he was hosting and developed a crush on himrdquo shares SinghEven though Singhrsquos partner had claimed his disinterest in a relationship early on they continued to see each other and decided to take things slow From sleepovers to movie dates both eventually acknowledged the depth of their feelings Instead of being overwhelmed they chose to be mindful and spent time together and apart to better understand how they felt ldquoWe asked each other to define what love meant to us we communicated what we didnrsquot like and tried to resolve issues together instead of assuming the wrong thingsrdquoMeghna MehraAsexual woman SheTheyActivist and author Meghna Mehra identifies as an asexual woman Founder of the lsquoAll India Queer Associationrsquo she is committed to spreading awareness providing mental health services and fighting for working rights of the LGBTQIA community Although she is currently single she refers to herself as the single friend who gives tips to her committed friendsUnderstand asexuality and consentSpeaking of her dating life the 26yearold shares ldquoMy dating experiences have been a mix of good and bad Most of the heterosexual relationships with cishet men have been exploitative and abusive In the beginning men have this attitude that women owe them sex in relationships So people get verbally and emotionally abusive over it They keep on trying for sex or saying that they will change me which is the wrong approach I have faced violence for refusing to have sex It took me years to understand that saying lsquonorsquo is normal and I shouldnt be expecting to get hit for saying no to sex We as a society have to understand that consent of women mattersrdquoDoling out the most critical advice she says ldquoMy advice to people who are looking to date asexual people would be to try to understand asexuality and be patient with your partnerrdquoAcknowledge the diversity of the asexuality spectrumThere are no absolutes when it comes to the gender and sexuality spectrum and asexuality is no different Asexuality in itself is a wide spectrum with the preferences of individuals varying from sex neutral to sex repulsed When asked if asexual people should exclusively date within the asexuality spectrum Mehra clarifies ldquoAsexual community is a diverse community and there is no onesizefitsall approach to deal with them In my opinion asexual people should date whoever they want to If they dont want to date anyone thats okay toordquoNavigating physical intimacy with an asexual partnerHow can asexual people navigate dating people who are inclined towards physical intimacy She suggests that communication and mutual respect are key ldquoThey can navigate dating heterosexual people if they are dating them by having mutual understanding and discussions but that doesnt mean that only the asexual partner is adjusting to the relationship If you are dating an asexual person remember to be respectful of the way you will be with them Do not force them to have sex or coerce them emotionally In the case of sexrepulsed asexual person be sensitive to their feelings and orientationrdquo explains Mehra