Best-selling Australia-based author of why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps, Allan Pease, is out with a brand new book. He tells FYI why marriage is a losing proposition for men

It began in 1999 with Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps. More than a decade and three books later, co-authors Allan and Barbara Pease are back to posing a new generation of heterosexual singles with another rhetorical relationship question: Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love.

"Most men would like to have three or four women at one time as long as we didn't have as many mothers-in-law to deal with," says relationship expert and author Allan Pease on the phone from Queensland, Australia. He's only half-joking. "Monogamy is driven by women," he adds.



So, are all heterosexual men doomed then by their biology? Ehrmm, yes. "Men have 20 to 30 times more testosterone than women. Testosterone determines sex drive. That means men are always looking for sex; it's hardwired into our systems," says Allan.

What then do women want? Three things, according to the Australian author, "Food, protection and shelter." But what about that bit in the title about women needing love? "Love from a woman's perspective, can be defined as 'commitment': a man's desire to devote his time, energy and resources to a woman and her children," says Allan.

She can't earn more than me
The love-stakes just got higher for every successful, financially independent, single woman out there, because as the book will have us believe: 'Society may have evolved but women's needs haven't.'

"Research has shown that 79% of men are threatened by successful, financially secure women," says Allan, who admits to being part of that majority.

"I myself am married to a successful, financially independent woman who I see as being extremely capable, but if I didn't see myself as more capable or with the ability to make more money than she does, I would have difficulty with the concept," he says.

"The thing that continues to surprise me after all these years of talking to couples is how men and women can view the same thing so differently," says Allan. "But we are attracted to the opposite sex because they are opposite to us. It would be pretty dull to get up in the morning next to a person who looks and thinks exactly as you do."

So, when is it okay to let your guard down in a relationship? Possibly, never. "Most guys like to tell incredible lies as the truth causes them immense grief," says Allan.

Why marry?
So, is marriage the ultimate goal for every couple? "There is nothing in marriage for men," says Allan. "Any man who says he wants to get married is telling a lie."

Just before we are ready to hang up with a huge lump in our throat, we ask Allan, a man who has spent 20 years of his adult life married to the same woman, one final question.

What's your pay-off then? "Very few men understand this, but marriage makes a huge difference to women. It increases their rate of orgasms, they have lower blood pressure levels, are happier with their self image, and live longer than single women," says Allan.

"A married man's life becomes better because his wife feels better about herself." Marriage for martyrdom, then? "Absolutely," ends Allan.

The five Most Common 'New-Relationship' Mistakes (p.148)

Making hormonal choices
When someone falls 'madly in love', they make decisions based on their feelings at the time, not on the suitability of a potential long-term mate.

Denial of problems
You may deny to yourself that the person has problems that you may have knowledge of or refuse to listen to others about flaws your lover may have.

Choosing needy people
You attract someone who pleads that they need you and you spend your time 'being there' for them. Eventually, you'll become tired of this.

Being compliant
You spend your time desperately avoiding any argument with your new love, trying to make them happy. You become a 'yes-person'.

Picking a partner who you think you can change
What normally happens is that their new lover simply re-establishes their past bad habits in the new relationship.

Might As Well Face It, You're Addicted to Love (p.21-22)
The following brain scans show how being 'madly in love' activates the same areas in the brain as addiction to cocaine. So whether you are in love or high on drugs, you will feel about the same. The scans also revealed that mothers who were looking at their babies had identical brain activity as people who were looking at their lovers. Bartels and Zeki concluded from this that both romantic and maternal love are linked to the perpetuation of human species, because lovers and babies carry the promise that your DNA will continue.

What are you thinking? NOTHING (p.182)
The male brain is like a honeycomb of rooms and each room has its own special function. But most men have a special room called the 'Nothing Room'. This is a place where a man's mind goes when he's fishing, watching TV or just sitting in a chair with a blank look on his face. The 'Nothing Room' has a purpose u2014 to regenerate mental energy. Women do not have this same brain need, so when a man is in it, they will ask, 'What are you thinking?' When he answers, 'Nothing', she accuses him of concealing things from her.

Why Women Seem Distracted During Sex
Women's multi-tasking brains can deal with a lot of data simultaneously. In ancient times, if a copulating couple both focused on their lovemaking, they could become targets for predators. Someone needed to be hardwired to keep guard, and women got the job. To keep a woman in the mood, a man needs to pick the right time, to be sure she is stress-free, play soft music to cover up external sounds and assure her that she is safe and won't be disturbed.