Narcissism is the word of our time, and yet it is deeply misunderstood,” asserts Dr Ramani Durvasula. She unpacks the concept in her new book, It’s Not You: How to Identify and Heal from Narcissistic People (Vermilion, Penguin Random House). Divided into two segments, the book first deals with recognising the recurring traits of a narcissist. Durvasula’s examples from her experience — having worked as a clinical psychologist for more than two decades — support the patterns she sets out to list down.

Her separation of qualities like self-centredness or superficiality from a larger problem of narcissism in this segment is a valuable takeaway. It helps readers understand cases where narcissism exists in moderation, as such situations can be the toughest to identify. She states, “Narcissism is about a deep insecurity and fragility offset by manoeuvres like domination, manipulation and gaslighting, which allow the narcissistic person to stay in control.” Her main argument, therefore, centres on the idea that there is necessarily harm caused to those in a relationship with a narcissist — children of narcissistic parents, parents of narcissistic children and partners or friends of narcissists. She ascertains that the immediate effects of being in this kind of a relationship is the undermining of one’s self-worth and a consistent hesitation to accept that the relationship stands 
on abuse.