Why victim blaming needs to stop in cases of intimate partner violence

Why did you not leave your partnerrdquo mdash this is a common question that survivors of violence in relationships face But the fact that the estimate of intimate partner violence against women in the SouthAsian region is as high as 33 per centmdashaccording to a 2018 WHO studymdashis a quantitative indicator of the various factors that compel them to stay silent and feel trapped by these tiesAftab Poonawala PicFacebook right Shraddha Walkar PicInstagramThe gruesome murder and dismemberment of 26yearold Shraddha Walkar a Vasai resident by her 28yearold livein partner Aftab Poonawala has once again prompted the urgent need to spread awareness about abusive relationships Experts share reasons why people find it difficult to exit abusive physically mentally emotionally verbally and sexually relationships patterns of abuse and ways to seek and extend helpStop victimblamingOften the onus of the situation or the blame is placed on the survivor Suvarna Varde a psychologist and relationship counsellor highlights that being unaware of the threat cannot be a reason to blame the survivor ldquoItrsquos important to understand that a person before becoming a survivor of any abusive or toxic relationship does things which they feel are right at that point in time However offenders behave intentionally and are aware of their actions The conscious behaviour of the abuser has to be questionedrdquoSigns of abuse include controlling behaviour disrespect and violenceDr Meghna Singhal a traumainformed psychotherapist and parenting educator explains the psychological reasons behind victimblaming ldquoIt happens because we see ourselves as being very different from the survivor to confirm our invulnerability to abuserdquo To counter this approach as it prevents survivors from speaking up she highlights that the focus must be on the perpetrator since abuse is never about individual actions which incite the abuser to hurt their partner it is about the abuserrsquos feelings of entitlement Arouba Kabir a mental health professional and founder of Enso Wellness also points out the lack of awareness about what a healthy and unhealthy relationship look like and the role of media and cinema in portraying romantic relationships where possessiveness and jealousy are glorifiedRecognise the patternsSwapnil Pange a psychologist and marriage therapist notes that abusive behaviour doesnrsquot develop overnight and that identifying warning signs and ways to tackle them should be included in training provided at schools colleges and workplaces According to Pange the common red flags include lying having multiple affairs encroaching on personal space denying individual rights emotional neglect or indifference towards the partner and blaming the partner or making them feel guilty after fights Other warning signs include violating privacy isolating the survivor from family and friends controlling behaviour any form of disrespect and humiliation towards the survivor possessiveness and threatening or harming the survivor Itrsquos important to understand where to draw the line on compromise Varde reminds us Positive compromise is mutual and benefits relationship goals it does not include surrendering giving up onersquos values selfrespect family and personal relationshipsQuitting isnrsquot easyAmong the reasons why survivors may find it difficult to quit toxic and abusive relationships are issues with finding a safe place to live in lack of support finances and resources affected selfesteem threatening or blackmailing by abusers the social stigma attached to domestic violence and divorce Disha Manchekar a psychologist and founder of Innate Mind tells us that the first and most difficult step is acknowledgement She lists reflective questions that can help one come to terms with the situation Do I feel safe around my partner Can I openly voice my opinions without fear of getting hurt or humiliated Do I have the freedom of making choices for myselfSuvarna Varde Swapnil Pange and Dr Meghna SinghalSinghal notes that exiting an abusive relationship isnrsquot as easy as walking out the door one can have an unhealthy emotional attachment to the abuser which is termed a trauma bond This refers to cyclical and manipulative patterns of assurances of love and abuse by the abuser which make it hard for the survivor to break awayShe highlights the need for a safety plan when exiting a relationship It includes an informed person who one can contact for help a safe place to go to things to carry and accounting for the risk of harm during the breakup and ways to navigate it ldquoItrsquos natural to miss an abusive partner But it doesnrsquot mean that you should be with them you leave because the bad outweighs the goodrdquo she reminds usSupport your childAs parents ending communication or disowning your child if you donrsquot approve of their partner and choices cuts off support and can expose them to vulnerabilities Sexuality educator Apurupa Vatsalya notes that it may be hard for parents to not be reactive as the job of parenting comes with its own set of difficulties In such cases parents can start by holding space for their feelings ldquoAs long as your child isnrsquot actively harming someone it is crucial to offer them unconditional love and support You can express discomfort but let them know that yoursquore always there for them This will allow children to come to parents in case theyrsquore facing abuse and they will have a stronger sense of self community and selfesteem Seeking therapy and mediation as a family is a great optionrdquo she addsLeft Disha Manchekar Arouba KabirHelp a friendVatsalya lists warning signs to look out for as a friend and how to act on themgtgt Look for visible bruises or abuse in the form of neglect and exploitation Sudden change in behaviour withdrawn or unwilling to meet could be indicative of distressgtgt Inquire about their wellbeing in a gentle nonintrusive mannergtgt Try to create a safe space for someone to share without the fear of judgement Believe and validate them Offer active participation in the cocreation of a safety plan gtgt Respect their decisions on how they would want to cope with their circumstances3337Estimate of intimate partner violence against women in South Asia as per a 2018 study