Cough it up

The vast slug-like creature seated opposite me in the train coughed a loud, hacking, tubercular explosion that burst free from her innards

Cough it up

The vast slug-like creature seated opposite me in the train coughed a loud, hacking, tubercular explosion that burst free from her innards. I tut-tuted sharply and looked at her with an expression of intense dislike.

The slug looked back, mirroring my expression. "Kya hua? Khaans nahin sakti kya?"

I couldn't swallow this and said firmly, "Khaanso, par muh ke saamne haath toh do!"

"Arre baba, mujhe swine flu nahin hai, daro mat," she said irritated, "Sirf khaansi." "Khaansi," and repeated it carefully, quite certain I had an IQ of 20.

I let it go.

In section 456 (A and B) (read with para II of Article 123 of the amended provisions of the IPC) coughing and sneezing without covering the mouth and nose is a punishable offence and attracts a year's RI.

Ok, it's not, but I wish it were true.

See, the distance droplets can travel after a cough or a sneeze is three feet. The space between two seats in a local train is less that two feet. The bacteria and virus therefore leap out of the uncovered mouth and settle comfortably in their new home on somebody else's face. In this case mine. It probably settled on the seat handle next to her, lying in wait for another unsuspecting passenger. The B&V will remain alive and kicking the cold virus for three days, the swine flu one for eight hours.

Mind you, it's not so much the fear in the time of swine flu that upset me about slug woman, but basic manners. How difficult can it be to move your hand to your mouth when you cough? It's the equivalent of releasing oppressive gasses from your stomach onto somebody's face, but this is a family paper, and I shall refrain.

I know someone who told a man spitting at the bus stop with almost comic precision, not to spit. The man turned around and asked her in genuine amazement, "Yahan nahin thukunga toh kahan thukunga?"

If there can be a positive to swine flu, it is that since India's first death on August 4,u00a0 the city began covering up, at least in public places. I would estimate 1 in 10 wore masks and every other person used a cloth cover. You felt safe because even if they did cough, you were covered and so were they.

A month on, as the fear of swine flu fear abates, never mind the 14 deaths in the city, so do masks. Over the last one week, I haven't seen a single person on the streets wearing a mask. Is it complacency or because the 100 billion bacteria (fact not fiction) in the mouth stinks up the mask?

Meanwhile, slug woman ejected a projectile of spit out of the window. Hang on, while I kill her, slowly, painfully.
Swarupa Dutt is Senior News Editor, MiD DAY