Dese arent my clodes, men. I borrowed dem from my tird cuzzin, from mudders side, Socrates Pimenta Lobo, who lives in dat posh, whachucall ah Pali Hill, next buildin to Sanjay Dutt.
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo came over looking quite spiffy, suited, booted with a tie.
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"Wow Lobo Lobo, looking quite sharp today, eh!" I observed.
"Dese aren't my clodes, men. I borrowed dem from my tird cuzzin, from mudders side, Socrates Pimenta Lobo, who lives in dat posh, whachucall ah Pali Hill, next buildin' to Sanjay Dutt."
"But Theo, what's the occasion? You truly look like Don Johnson in Miami Vice."
"Howdy pardner! What men Dikuna men. Wassay you, brudder?" he said to me randomly.
"Lobo Lobo. Why are you putting on a weird American accent, nestled somewhere between Nebraska and Navi Mumbai?"
"You see Dikuna, lemme share a secret wid you. I'm workin' on a hybrid accent to get de voters on my side. Just testin' it out wid you."
"Voters? What are you talking about? Please explain Lobo Lobo! Are you standing for de Bihar elections?"
"Arre, maaaan Dikooona! Not Bihar elections, my buildin' elections! You know, in Virar, de buildin' where I live, it's called Kentucky Kutir. So, all de residents are very into de US elecshuns, dat Trump chappie vs Biden, so dere are plans to hold our co-operative housin' society elections, US style, pardner."
"Please! Will you start at the beginning?" I implored.
"See pardner men, I am standin' for becomin' de buildin' Prezzie vs one pakka chor who lives on de tent floor. His name is Mr Jankidas Gulabchand Seksaria—so, we will be contestin' in like debates, peepuls from de buildin' will aks us questions, like wot wot we plan to do about puttin' a TT table, or a swimmin' pool or a gym-shim, or cleanliness and den we will debate against each udder, pardner, yeah, sure man!"
"So what are some of your concerns?"
"Arre big big concerns, men pardner, fust tings fust, dat Seksaria fellow is bribin' all de residents, he's tellin' dat he will pay for free COVID tests for everyone's full family, if dey vote for him. Den, de bugger is also de builder of de buildin' men. So he's promisin' everyone more FSI when we go into re-developement, chhe!"
"And what are you offering ?"
"Arrey dats my second problem…I am havin' self-goal problems."
"Meaning what, Lobo Lobo?"
"See pardner, in de US elections system, each Prezzie needs a runnin' mate. Like dat Biden feloe has dat NRI lady, Kamala sumtin'. Dat rascal Jankidas has chosen his bruh-in-law Goculdas to be his vice-president—dat chappie is an even bigger chor, men."
"And who, may I ask, is your deputy?", I enquired, fearing the worst.
"Arre wot to tell men, pardner, oof, my wife Myrtle has elected herself."
"So that's a good thing right? Your wife as your second pair of eyes and ears."
"Arre wot men pardner! She's already pissed off all de udder ladies in de building. She insists on cookin' her poke vindaloo, and sorpotel, wid de windows open and exhaust off, de smoke and smell goes all down de buildin'. Chhe men! Everyone's upset, wot chance I have men, if everyone is against me even befoe de debates, chhe, pardner! Nuttin' goin' right. Chalo pardner, I'll take your leave, I have to go to VP."
"Ah VP. You're off to meet your vice-president, Myrtle. Say my hellos."
"No men, pardner, chhe. VP, VP is Vile Parle!" he concluded.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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