So, lawyers graduate from legal institutions and doctors from medical colleges. But politicians are a bit like guys who do Arts in college — complete ‘lukhas’. “So, chal politics karega”. No training, no technical expertise.
So, lawyers graduate from legal institutions and doctors from medical colleges. But politicians are a bit like guys who do Arts in college — complete 'lukhas'. “So, chal politics karega”. No training, no technical expertise.
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As a result, India has always been stuck with the likes of TV actresses who become education ministers, then handloom experts. Cricketers-turned-commentators-turned-comedians turned ...yes…the 'p' word.
Illustration/Uday Mohite
So, I've started a series of Schools for Politicians (SFPs), also referred to as 'Ministers Mahavidhyalyas'. Attached to these schools will be laboratories, lie-detector rooms, large mental boot camps, and lobe testing equipment. (The latter will determine whether the wannabe politician is a complete psychopath, or is he curable/capable).
My aim, dear reader, isn't an Indian Guantanamo Bay. But a specialised educational system to prepare politicians for public work, not private gain.
The entry test is obviously an IQ test (Idiot Quotient).
Following this, the candidate has to produce a letter stamped by both a local police chowky and a court of law stating that he/she has no criminal record (in the contract, after the candidate signs, there is a clause, whereby if he/she, while still studying at an SFP, commits a serious offence, like, say running over pavement dwellers in his/her BMW, he/she will be rusticated immediately).
In our SFPs, we have a series of 'open sessions', a sort of Alcoholics Anonymous-type situation. Say a minister has scammed a city of Rs 4,000 crore. He feels intense guilt, and needs to get this huge 'bhoj' off his chest, he can, in an open session, speak freely among his fellow scamsters — men and women who have embezzled, extorted, been involved in excise fraud, broken election promises, entered into dicey agreements involving tax payers' money, excess black money owners, etc. We have Speech Therapy sessions — where students are taught how to speak to the press — so that in public life, when asked what he/she might feel about a horrendous gang rape in his/her 'ilaka', no inane sound bites will be tolerated like, 'this is a political conspiracy' or 'young girls should not be out alone at night'.
My SFPs also have open brainstorming sessions. Say you are a sitting MP from a rain-starved area. Like Pavlov's dog, you have been taught a catch phrase like 'Save the farmer'. But now, you're standing from the Mumbai North-East constituency, where there are no open spaces, let alone harvestable land, no farmers, or shortage of water. We help you to open your mind to new, relatable slogans. Like say 'Plug the potholes', etc.
Then, we've built special ante rooms for sons, daughters, chachas, bhathijas of politicians — a gentle recorded message will coo into their brain — “Oi Bachoo… the power your mother/father/amma/dada has… doesn't transfer to you. Remember that.”
So, I'm sure you're wondering who the faculty are — I have a veritable who's who on my roster: Barack Obama, Teddy Roosevelt, Kemal Ataturk, Atal Behari Vajpayee, Abraham Lincoln and Lee Quon Yu are guest speakers.
Bill Clinton has agreed to come on board, on the condition that his classes must only have women.
Finally, all graduates will receive a Bachelor of GST — GST stands for 'Generally Stable & Trustworthy'.
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com
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