Rahul da Cunha: Lobo Lobo and Sabarimala Temple

Lobo Lobo was upset. Dressed in a mundu, he stood at my doorstep, his two wisps of air, flapping like mini tornado 'twisters' in the wind

Lobo Lobo was upset. Dressed in a mundu, he stood at my doorstep, his two wisps of air, flapping like mini tornado 'twisters' in the wind. "Wassup Mr Lobo Lobo? What bothers your otherwise calm mind?"

"Wot calm mind, men," said Mr Thelonious Lobo, completely missing my irony. "I'm sick and tired of de immature way we behave in de name of religion, men."

"Were you kept awake by the banging of drums outside your home for Durga puja, or are you feeling the strain of nine consecutive garba nights of Navaratri?"

"No men, nutting like dat. Dat has been happening for many years, chhe. Dat is old hat. Dere are udder bigger problems, men."

"So, then, what travails avail you? And why are you wearing lungi dance garb?"

"Arre wot to tell, men Dikuna, I went on a pilgrimage to Sabarimala, and dose chappies trew me out of
de temple." I was gobsmacked.

"Thelonious, you seem very much like a MAN! And my understanding is that previously only womenfolk were disallowed into this 12th-century temple. The Supreme Court has changed this, citing it as 'unconstitutional.'

So, why were you, a self-respecting, god-fearing man, disallowed entry? Plus, you're Roman Catholic, not Hindu. So, why are you even attempting to go to a Hindu temple?"

Lobo observed a minute of unexpected silence. "See men, fust tings fust. My fadder is Catlick, my mudder is Mallu, so I am mixed, men."

"Okay, then why did they stop you, a man, from entering?"

"See Mr Rahul, de devotees are expected to follow a vratham, dat is a 41-day austerity period prior to de pilgrimage. De blighters expect us to strictly follow sumting called a lacto-vegetarian diet. How I'll take only veg meals men, dat too for 41 days? Arre, every day, I eat poke vindaloo. De only veg I eat, is de potatoes Myrtle puts in de curry.

Den dey say to follow teetotalism. Wot rubbish men. I toh drink five pegs daily of Old Monk rum. Den we are expected to bathe twice in a day. Arre men, it took me two days to climb up de hill men. It is bleddy 480 metres above de sea level. Obviously I didn't take bath for two days. Where to find water men, in de river? Che. And, finally, dey say, you cannot use any bad words and have to control
de anger."

"But, did you use profanities? Did you swear at them?"

"Arre, of course, men. When dat Dangal-type bugger tried to stop me at de entrance of de temple, I told him off, I yelled, 'Eh, tum total idiot hai.' Damn angry he got, 'Kisko idiot bolta hai?' And he kicked me out."

"So, what happens now, Lobo Lobo?"

"I'll return next year, Dikuna. Only one ting boders me, men. Dey say we have to be celibate for 41 days prior. Boss, I am called de 'Tiger of Virar' men. How I'll be able to abstain for so long?"

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at
rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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