“I don’t know why they have bowlers anymore in T20 cricket!”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Mid-way through the IPL 2024 season, a high-level emergency conference was held, called BAS CHAKKA—Bowlers Against Sixers.
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The attendees were the various “deliveries” in T20 cricket—once heralded, now wounded, and demoralised, the attendees comprised balls/deliveries of all kinds—the Chinaman, the wrong ‘un, the googly, the off break, the off cutter, the inswinger, the outswinger, the straighter ball, the carrom ball, the bouncer, the yorker, the wide yorker, the half tracker, the length ball, the “doosra”, the knuckleball, the reverse swinging ball, the slower ball—many of these deliveries were injured badly during the tournament, they came on crutches, walking sticks, walkers and wheelchairs. There was a decided gloom in the air, an overhang of pessimism.
The President of BAS CHAKKA, the “doosra”, said in his opening statement—
“I don’t know why they have bowlers anymore in T20 cricket!”
The Chairman of BAS CHAKKA, the off spinner said, “Spectators only seem to want sixers sailing high into the stands.”
The Treasurer, the carrom ball mumbling through his numerous bandages wailed, “Bloody hell, 742 sixes were hit off me in this edition of the IPL. I’m undergoing numerous Botox operations.”
The bouncer spoke candidly, “Yaar, these blasted rule makers, they tell us, ‘you’re now allowed two bouncers every over… but the ball hardly bounces over the batsmen’s head and they call it a wide!!!”
The off cutter said “The boundaries are getting shorter and shorter. I’m wondering why they have boundaries at all?”
The cynical wide yorker, rolled his eyes and exclaimed, “Cricket rules are becoming worse and worse, everything is stacked in favour of the batsmen, earlier they could take a review only if they’re out or not, now they’re taking review of bouncers and wide balls, in fact why have umpires?”
The “doosra” said, “In fact why have bowlers at all, just get those ‘ball throwing’ machines like they have in tennis.”
“Yes I agree,” said the knuckleball, “why do they need variations—why have all of us who have honed our crafts over the years… T20 cricket is now nothing more than ChatGPT, it can be AI created… we are mere robots.”
“Frankly there is no need for us, as it is they’re making flatter and flatter pitches!”
“Yaaron, just imagine we’re just 50 matches in, and already so many 250 plus scores, what will it be next… 300? 400?”
“Nobody seems to want a contest, it’s like WWF, they just want to see blood and gore coming from bowlers.”
“I’m not understanding this… our viewers, spectators are going sixer crazy… it’s like the gladiators of old, spectators baying for our blood, destroying us… six six six six.”
The group’s social media influencer, the wrong ‘un cooed, “So apparently they’re making a new rule, if you hit the ball out of the stadium, it’s 12 runs, a twelver it will be called!”
The room went silent.
One of the deliveries, the off spinner asked the group, “By the way, where are our brothers, our fellow deliveries, the wide ball and the beamer, why haven’t they attended?”
The social media influencer asked, “What’s a beamer, isn’t that a BMW?”
“Beamer, madam isn’t a car, it’s when a ball is bowled at a batsman’s head. Very dangerous”
The President of Bas Chakka informed, “The beamer brothers, Chhota Beam, and Bada Beam, are maha pissed, they feel even if by mistake the ball slips out of the bowlers hand, and heads to the batsman head, oh man what a song and dance people make, as if it was thrown purposely, the beamers have been so ostracized, they’ve had enough with all these damn ‘Free Hits’.”
“So they’ve retired?”
“Worse… they have begun a terrorist organisation called ‘TNT’, stands for ‘Tests Not T20’, they intend to launch attacks on all T20 competitions around the world, destroy them completely!”
The bouncer said, “Hmmmm… I was asked to join one of these fundamentalist groups, they want to close down T20 cricket as they feel the format is ruining the game of cricket, they want to assassinate most T20 batsmen, they are called ISIS….”
“What does ISIS stand for?”
“I’m Seriously Irritated (with) Sixers!”
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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