The answer to that is rarely a yes or no. For some it’s I do, even though others don’t. Or yes, but not by conventional standards. Or no, I don’t think it though people keep telling me so. Or yes, but only in secret. Or, sometimes yes. Or, I don’t think about it, really. Or, I began to feel it when someone found me beautiful. Our inner lives are fluid with iridescent subjectivities—consider the social media swooning because Pat Cummins is a chasmish. The outer world keeps trying to deny our whimsy and our marzi with its thin-lipped yes and no options.

As I watched a viral video clip of Miss Nepal Jane Dipika Garrett in the swimsuit round of Miss Universe 2023, something sparkly happened. She was liquid, lush and warm as caramel on the stage; so gorgeous and like a real person, relaxed and confident—but most of all, so much enjoying herself. I didn’t think as I watched her “oh a plus-sized contestant” as I later saw her described in the media. I didn’t compare myself to her or feel validated as a fat woman myself. In fact, I didn’t think of myself at all. I simply thought  woah, what a smashing woman. For a moment, beauty became about pleasure, not power or identity or anxiety.