How Mr Trump sold my book

I would not have thought in my wildest dreams that a great man like Mr Trump would agree to promote my first novelTo be honest I wouldnrsquot even have imagined that I had a novel in me But life has strange ways of surprising usIt was 2005 when someone from HarperCollins emailed me to say that the copyright for my first book a travelogue called Travels with the Fish had reverted to me The book was mine to do with as I pleasedLike any indigent writer I immediately wanted to go global Dreaming of achieving fame and fortune like Paul Theroux I sent a chapter to about 800 American literary agents It was the one where I watch a sex show featuring some pingpong balls and a bottle of Pepsi in BangkokHardly anyone even replied a few thought that for a brownskinned boy I had potential However one agent Nathan Bransford had loved the writing but didnrsquot think much of launching oneself internationally with a travel book Did I he wondered have any plan to write a novelI murmured something about journalists not being so good at making up stories Believe it or not there was a time not long ago when that was trueEventually embarrassed that Nathan had more faith in my writing than I did I went to work I had a halfformed story idea about an Indian who inherits a locked book with answers to the worldrsquos problems but sells it to a kabadiwala because he doesnrsquot want to change the worldWhat happened next I had no clueBut I tried The result after three years of strenuous labour was The Book of Answers It featured an average Indian called Patros Patranobis who keeps getting thrust against his wishes into confrontations with Indiarsquos most powerful man the diabolical Ishwar PrasadPrasad hellbent on sowing confusion and chaos as elections approach teams up with a godman who has used the book to proclaim himself as Godrsquos messenger They make a formidable teamPrasad sets up a Ministry of Regrets to apologise for the mistakes and atrocities committed by his governmentHe institutes a lucrative levy sextroi to tax one of Indiarsquos most popular nocturnal activitiesHe bans the past tense to prevent people from dwelling on yesterdayrsquos problems As an afterthought he bans the future tense as well lest people start dreaming of a better futureThis crazy Orwellian book was published in 2011 I was thrilled In 2012 it was nominated for the Commonwealth Book Prize for Best Fiction I was over the moonThere was a small downsidemdashit sold abysmally No one seemed to know it even existed lost in the bottom shelves of a world that had forgotten how to read and preferred videos and quick summariesNathan was distraught that we couldnrsquot get a world launch The depression he said had made American publishers riskaverse they found my story too well ldquoIndianrdquoI decided unreasonably that my only choice was to rewrite my book as an American story Patros became Daniel Hoyt Mumbai became New York the circus town of Tellicherry in Kerala became Gibsonton Florida I used Googlersquos street view spending hours prowling the digital streets of cities I had never been to like Miami Ishwar Prasad became Barry CodbagI selfpublished Hoytrsquos War in 2015 on Amazon where it remains a steady seller to this dayMr Trump God bless his incandescent soul was an unknown when I began writing about President Barry Codbag in my book But on June 15 the man rode down his golden escalator announcing his candidacy In no time he was treating us to his amazing philosophies and alternate realities founded on his deep knowledge of the universe It quickly became obvious that Mr Trump was the living incarnation of President Codbag in Hoytrsquos WarI had no time to lose ChatGPT was years away but I knew a trick or two in Photoshop In a few hours I had created images of the great man holding my book Hoytrsquos War instead of his own The Art of the DealNext I set up a fake news site washingtonpsstcom a perfect mirror image of the Washington Post with live links to real WP storiesDonald slams book based on Trumplike President calls author lsquoscumbag freeloaderrsquoTrump says porn is okay but sex needs to be taxedKing Donald the First Trump says USA is ready for monarchyFor months until Mr Trump ascended the throne it was party time for me with the great man promoting my book left right and centre on Facebook Twitter and so on Sales soared easily hitting hundredsBut then he became the leader of the free world Out of deep respect for Mr Trump and deep fear of the CIA I stopped the campaignYou are wondering did Mr Trump ever agree to promote my humble book If you asked him of course hersquod say NEVER in all capitals on Truth SocialBut then Donald Trump has done so many things that he later denied doingYou can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopigmailcomSend your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paper