“I don’t want a biopic on me made yet, I have many more golds and tournaments to win,” he said.
Illustration/Uday Mohite
I Met Neeraj Chopra when he returned to India with his gold medallion.
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“Officer Chopra, I’m asking you the question that all of India is asking?”
“How do I feel having won an Olympic gold medal in track and field?” he asked.
“No,” I said.
“Okay. What are my next gold medal aspirations?” he asked.
“Nope! The nation wants to know, which actor do you want to play you in the biopic?”
“I don’t want a biopic on me made yet, I have many more golds and tournaments to win,” he said.
“That’s not your call, sir! Bollywood wants to cash in on your success and hopefully make you some cash in the process. Sir, you’re hot property, mutiplexes are just opening up, OTT numbers are buzzing, sports dramas are the flavour of the season. You just choose who plays your role, and who you’d like this project to be helmed by, and I’ll handle the rest. So, who do you think most resembles Neeraj Chopra?” I asked.
“Tom Cruise!” he said.
“Neeraj, please set your sights here, not there!”
“Okay, what are my options?” the army officer-cum-athlete asked me.
“So Chopra saab, all the Chopras in Bollywood want to come together to make a film on you, since they feel ‘Chopras’ have the first right of refusal, they feel entitled, so to speak—so the script has yet to be written, but YRF that’s Yash Chopra’s company will produce, Pareenti Chopra and Priyanka Chopra Jonas will act, Adi Chopra or Vidhu Vinod Chopra will direct, Sherlyn Chopra will do an item number and Prem Chopra is the villain.”
“Who plays me? Not Uday Chopra, right?” he asked, panicking.
“No. Secondly, there’s Rakyesh Om Prakash Mehra— he’s got an biopic planned with Farhan Akhtar in the lead. The film is to be titled, Phek Neeraj Phek.”
“Then Shah Rukh’s Red Chillies Entertainement would like to add to the franchise of Chak De! SRK wishes play a coach, who takes it upon himself to train a javelin thrower—the movie is tentatively titled, Chuck De!
Then there’s Zoya Akhar’s next, Shayad Medal Na Milega Dobara, where three old friends go to Japan searching for an old samurai spear.”
I paused.
“You seem perturbed. Are you?” the soldier-sportsman asked me.
“I am! You see, the day you won in Tokyo, Sanjay Leela Bhansali declared, “‘Nobody will touch my story on Neeraj Chopra. In fact, I wish to make a fictional historical period drama called Panipat Ka Putra, Mahrana Ki Maharani, which is a remake of Romeo and Juliet starring Ranveer and Deepika.’”
“But what’s that got to do with me?” he asked.
“Set in the early 1800s, Panipat and Mahrana cites in Haryana are ruled by two warring families—but the Prince of Panipat, Neerajchandra falls in love with the Princess of Mahrana, Neelam. How can their love survive? The prince, attaches his love notes/messages on his feathered spear, which he throws over 100 miles into the princess’s garden, she replies and flings the spear back 100 miles. That’s the story in a nutshell.”
“I like the idea of Ranveer playing me, but not Manish Malhotra designing my costumes,” he objected.
“Well, Salman Bhai was approached by Prabhudeva, but he wants to play the part bare bodied, which is also unacceptable, right?”
“Anyone else?” Neeraj asked.
“Yes, Imtiaz Ali has an idea where a male javelin thrower and a female weightlifter meet in a train, fall in love and elope.”
“Sounds interesting, what’s the movie called?,” Neeraj enquired
“Chanu Aur Chopra Hai Sweety Aur Tweety.”
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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