Woman: “De name is Gloria, got it? I am Gloria and your name is Ken.”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
It was a sunny morning, there was a wonderful rainbow in the sky, an open top pink coloured car screeched to a halt in front of my house.
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A man got out from the back seat, wispy strands of wind blown blonde hair were pointing skywards.
At the wheel was a slightly portly lady, dressed fully in pink.
I heard snatches of dialogue—
Man: “’Nuff is ‘nuff, men Myrtle. I’ve had ’nuff of your ‘kitkit’!”
Woman: “De name is Gloria, got it? I am Gloria and your name is Ken.”
The woman drove away, the man stood in front of my door, he had on a peak cap, his blonde hair was now patted down. He said to me—
“Wot to say Dikuna men, my better half… eating my head men, ufff.”
“Ok Lobo Lobo… why are you dressed the way you are? This, uhm, denim uhm waistcoat, baring your ten pack. What’s going on?”
“Arrey men wot to tell, last week dis wife of mine Myrtle or Gloria or whatever her name is; my dotter, Cinderella and my mudder-in-law, Grizabella, dey sawed dis movie, wochyiucall it, Barbie!, And dey all tree have become sum udder people, dey all have become Barbie dolls with socko attitude. Myrtle is aksing me to call her Gloria, she has become total paagal, she onie wears different different shades of pink, her frocks, her handbags, her high heels, all pink.”
“She seems a bit pissed off with you, the way she drove off! Were you rude to her?” I asked.
“Arre Dikuna men, where I’ll be rude men... I’m toh fully henpecked—see yesterday oni someone slipped dis paper flyer under my door… it was an ad for one of dese state-of-de-art gyms—it was called JODI BODY NO. 1.
So I jest tolded to her, “Myrtle, sorry Gloria, ‘Let’s join dis gym, we can workout togedder, wot you tink?’”
Boss, she just flew off de handle… “Wot you tink of me, dat I’m too fat? Too ‘healthy’? Too ‘prosperous’ for you? Why you body shaming me?” Den she just ‘kaali-peeli’ takes off on me—straight dialogue-baji, word for word from de Barbie movie—
“You have to be tin, but not too tin. And you can never say you want to be tin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be tin.”
Shayyyyyy… what all dis means men… I was just saying, let’s go to de gym!
Den my dotter, she’s also become one Barbie doll, first she akses me for money to start a dance studio; some weird fusion ting men, where Bhangra is combined with salsa. When I said to her, “Cindy, show me your business plan,” she says to me, same dialogue from de fillum—
“You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas.”
Wot wot all is going on men, who is squashing her ideas… I onie aksed her to tell me her plan.”
Lobo Lobo aka Ken, took a deep breath. Then continued.
“Ufff den dere is dat monster-in-law of mine, like Lalita Pawa she is, Grizabella… she is also dressing in pink and giving me bad vibes. Arrey, she had put too much salt in de poke vindaloo, so, I jest politely tolded to her, and she just gets ball ragged men. Same she’s also saying dialogue-baaji from Barbie—
“It’s too hard, men! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says tank you! And it turns out in fact dat not only are you doing everyting wrong, but also everyting is your fault.”
Dikuna men, all dese womens in my life, I curse dat Barbie movie men, shaayyy!”
“So what’s the plan… where has Myrtle... uhm sorry Gloria gone, Lobo Lobo?”
“She has gone to Karan Johar’s office.”
“Why on earth has she done that?”
“She is pitching to him an idea… she wants to make one picture, she wants to call it—Ken and Gloria ki Prem Kahaani!”
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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