Hi Lobo Lobo, are you, uhm, going scuba diving in Lakshwadeep... or deep sea diving in the Maldives all the celebs are heading there, right?
Illustration/Uday Mohite
My cable TV guy, Lobo Lobo, came over, two oxygen tanks attached to his back—covering his eyes were goggles and his mouth had snorkelling gear.
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“Hi Lobo Lobo, are you, uhm, going scuba diving in Lakshwadeep... or deep sea diving in the Maldives… all the celebs are heading there, right?”
“You’re mad o wot, Dikuna men? Why you tink I’m planning to go on a holiday, during a lockdown men, you don’t read de papers o wot. Why you aksing dis weird quotchen, chhe.”
“Uhm I guess I’m just asking because, you’re sitting in my living room, dressed like a deep sea diver…and if you’re not joining Ranbir and Alia in the Maldives, why do you have oxygen tanks attached to your back?”
“For oxygen purposes men, to breade, dats why, dere is a shortage of 02 in Mumbai, so I’ve got my own supply!”
“Do you have breathing issues, have you checked your oxygen levels?”
“No no uffff men Dikuna… my breading is fine, chhe. Arrey, all dose ministers said, whachucall, dey tolded all states to fend for demselevs for oxygen, and some states, like Maharashtra have less oxygen in de air, so I’m fending for myself and de family. I’m being a model citizen.”
“So that still doesn’t explain why you’re wearing deep sea diving equipment.”
“Oh foe, boss, we’ve been told to control our breading, so you see I’m killing two birds wid one stone”
“How are you doing that?”
“See men, dis new virus… dis B 1 618, it’s like de cuzzin brudder of de last one, it’s a damn slimy fellow men, it is lurking around in de air, solid ‘khunnas’ it’s got against mankind men—so if de last Wuhan virus was like Casper de Friendly
Ghost, dis one is like dat Hotstuff, the Devil Ghost… real danger fellow, so I tought dat, if I wear full scuba diving wear, I’ll cover my face, my mout and breade at de same time... clever no?”
“Uhm yes I suppose so! And how are Myrtle and Ronaldo and Cinderella coping with breathing?”
“Okay, so de BMC are coming building to building and flat to flat and dey are telling to all de tenants that not everyone can take de breaths at de same time.”
“I don’t quite understand you!” I said confused.
“See men Dikuna, you are little slow today, lemme explain, if you are a family of foe like we are, according to de BMC, we cannot all take breaths at de same time, got it? So first I take a breat, den Myrtle takes a breat, den dat duffer son of mine Ronaldo and finally my Cinderella, breads.”
“So what does the BMC expect you and Myrtle and Ronaldo to do while Cinderella takes a breath?” I asked.
“Dey expect us all to hold our breat… since dere is not enuff oxygen in de air.
So you see Dikuna men, my grey cells are working, dis is why I have bought dese oxygen tanks.”
“What happens if a regular family, who don’t have oxygen tanks, all breathe simultaneously?”
“De BMC have special oximeters, dey will come and seal your flat.”
“Tell me, Lobo Lobo, it must get quite heavy, carrying all that weight around right?”
“Yes no doubt, Dikuna men, but at least we are still breading and following instructions of BMC.”
“This is BMC, the Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation?” I asked.
“No no men, dis is not dat BMC, dis is anudder BMC, dis one is BMC— ‘Breathing & Mutants Committee.’”
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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