Mere pass maa hai

Love is a minefield So is caregivingThe truth is that you canrsquot apply mathematics to either The moment you look for equality in love or equal sharing in caregiving yoursquore finished FinitoMost families struggle with who should care for ageing parents Arre I live in Boston and shersquos in Bombay and she expects me to look after my dad in Bombay yaar Other siblings are scattered in New York Sydney and Nairobi sometimes taking turns to visit or stay sometimes consumed by guilt and distance as therersquos no family living in Mumbai to care for ageing parents who have given their lives to make us what we are Some feel other siblings are wealthier with larger houses and full time help better able to share caregiving responsibilities Yet others feel married people get away with murder single adult children are almost always ldquostuckrdquo with the responsibility of looking after ageing parents Some siblings prefer to pay the bills or pay help in lieu of spending time with parents themselves even when living in the same city Others look after their parents ruthlessly out of a joyless sense of duty that can be terrifying and humiliating for a parent Yet others struggle to do their personal best for ageing parents with modest achievements yet with gratitude and joy in their hearts A flower here a mishti there laughing together at crows quarrelling over bits of papaya on the window sill As Leo Tolstoy wrote in Anna Karenina ldquoAll happy families are alike each unhappy family is unhappy in its own wayrdquoLast year Amma came to live with me after a few decades of our family being scattered and Papa passing away There was never any question that I would be happy to look after her my concern was how well I could do so given her age and in the time of COVID19 The trick is to keep expectations minimum and simply do the best you can Older people need to feel needed and most still have a lot to give I resumed learning Hindustani classical vocal music from Amma which I last did as a child It is beautiful as we sing duets in Raag Bageshri Raag Basant and Raag MalkaunsAfter Irsquove had the same cook and maid for about a decade or so wersquove had an unlucky spell lately running through three maids in a short time Amma saw me struggle alone with the jhadupota kapda bhandi khana the whole chukker for several weeks How did our mums manage all this and much more Amma has been fantastic making the least demands chipping in whenever she can and cheerfully upping her game Shersquos figured out selfies ldquoWait let me comb my hairrdquoAmma and I have been having a lot of frank conversations lately Is there any wish you have I asked her after I had seen Farida Pacharsquos moving documentary Watch Over Me ldquoI wish I could see you settledrdquo she said In India ldquosettledrdquo marriage of course ldquoFair enoughrdquo I said ldquoCan you guarantee for any woman you know that she would be much happier more fulfilled as a person and more compassionate as a wifemdashthan if she had the chance to lead her life entirely on her own termsrdquo She thought about it long and hard then shook her head ldquoOK do you feel I am happy fulfilled as a person and probably already have everything or most of what I needrdquo I asked She immediately said yes I reached out and hugged her for a long long time I think we both felt very relieved at having had this conversation And then she said grinning ldquoIf anyone asks you you can always say lsquoMere pass Maa hairsquordquo We both laughed so hard then we did a high five Glorious sense of humour she has Our AmmaMeenakshi Shedde is India and South Asia Delegate to the Berlin International Film Festival National Awardwinning critic curator to festivals worldwide and journalist Reach her at meenakshisheddemiddaycom