No hungry Indians around

I ate three meals today before sitting down to write this column Unfortunately my good mood dissipated rather quickly Staring at me from a browser tab on my laptop was a report by the Global Hunger Index that supposedly measured and tracked hunger at global regional and national levels Its score for India this year was 275 pointing to a level of hunger that it declared lsquoseriousrsquo I read through it angrily while reaching for my bowl of potato chipsAccording to the socalled report Indiarsquos GHI score had decreased from ldquoa 2000 Global Hunger Index score of 388 pointsmdashconsidered alarmingmdashto a 2021 GHI score of 275mdashconsidered seriousrdquo I couldnrsquot tell the difference Was it better for us to be alarmed Contemplating it on a full tummy made it difficult to comprehend Naturally I did what every selfrespecting patriot would and shut the tab opting for entertainment via one of our television news channels insteadI donrsquot think of India as a hungry country We may be a country of poor bigoted prejudiced illiterate morally and intellectually bankrupt people but let no one accuse us of struggling to find food Look at what a vada pav costs Look at how crowded the food courts at our malls are Look at our wellfed ministers Look how long and lustrous their wellmaintained white beards areHunger in India is a myth created by the West to distract their citizens from how successful India is on all fronts GHI scores for example are supposedly based on data and estimates for four indicatorsmdashundernourishment stunting in children wasting in children and underfive mortalitymdashdrawing on data from the United Nations and other multilateral agencies Apparently the same sources are used to calculate GHI scores for all countries covered in the report using the same methodology and comparable time periodsThis is wrong on so many levels because everyone knows our children donrsquot get enough to eat This is done on purpose to prepare them for adulthood where those who canrsquot graduate with useful degrees in crucial subjects like Entire Political Science may struggle to become ministers Itrsquos also a sign of foresight because India has long expected drought and famine wrought by climate change and intends to prepare forthcoming generations for any possible eventuality Timing matters too because so many of us starve for religious purposes withholding meals so our gods and goddesses may eat This simple reason is always lost on the world outsideLuckily for us the government shot back almost immediately first expressing surprise then pointing out that those estimates put forth by the Food and Agriculture Organization of the UN regarding the proportion of undernourished population were devoid of ldquoground reality and factsrdquo There were no details about the reality or facts obviously because we shouldnrsquot have to prove anything to anyone outside our borders If the government says no Indian is hungry we must accept it If it says we have the most competent people on the planet we already know that to be trueReports like these often cite lsquoexternal expertsrsquo which is where the problem lies There are no external experts qualified to comment on India The only experts who matter are internal ones specifically those deemed so by the government How can external experts say that India slipped from the 94th position in 2020 to the 101st How can they assume we now have more people struggling with hunger than Pakistan Bangladesh and Nepal Who is to say these socalled experts havenrsquot been paid off by the 100 countries allegedly faring better than usI gauge reports like these by examining my immediate surroundings If I am not hungry it proves that everyone around me has access to food as well Cynics will call this approach naiumlve or unscientific but one of the things that makes India the greatest nation on Earth is our ability to be naiumlve and unscientific We may lose our best and brightest minds to the West and slip further down these imaginary lists on poverty development press freedom or hunger It wonrsquot matter though because we will still sleep well safe in the knowledge that every other country may do better than us but not one of them can claim to have the things our government says we doIrsquom done with the Global Hunger Index forever As a benevolent and intelligent ruler once said a long time ago if the poor have no access to bread they can always eat cakeWhen he isnrsquot ranting about all things Mumbai Lindsay Pereira can be almost sweet He tweets lindsaypereiraSend your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paper