Illustration/Uday Mohite

And so my cable guy Thelonious Lobo showed up on Xmas morning, with a Salman Khan Tiger Zinda Hai pose, his 'swag' somewhat spoilt by his lopsided Santa Claus cap. 'Merry Christmas men, I'm damn bald ragged (70s Bambaiya for 'angry'),' he spluttered. 'Why so, Mr Lobo Lobo? 'Tis the season to be jolly… compliments of the season.' 'No men, I have only complaints of de season, chhe!' he inadvertently quipped. 'Okay tell me… What ails you this morning?''Arrey, many many tings. Where do I start? What is de point of being Catlick anymore in dis blooming country, men.''Calm down, calm down, what happened?''Arrey wot to tell you, men! See last night, Xmas Eve, my mudder, my missus Myrtle and my younger one, Cinderella…,' he began.