Raising feminist sons

I’ve been working on gender issues for over 20 years, including being on the board of Point of View, a non-profit that amplifies women’s voices

I’ve  always been a feminist as long as I can remember, but have rarely articulated what that means in practice. I owe it to the way our parents raised us, to be independent, think for ourselves, fight for and live our dreams, to be compassionate and inclusive of others. I’m not always successful in this, but I try. I’ve been working on gender issues for over 20 years, including being on the board of Point of View, a non-profit that amplifies women’s voices. My diverse gender advocacy work has included writing for the book, And Who Will Make the Chapatis?: A Study of All-Women Panchayats in Maharashtra (1998); on the Veshya Anyay Mukti Parishad (VAMP), a sex workers’ collective created by the NGO Sangram in Sangli; on women pioneers in water management in South Asia for SACIWATERS, an NGO working on water issues.

But it was really when I started to teach English and Life Skills to underprivileged teenagers (14-16 years) at the Patuck Junior College about five years ago, that my understanding of the pathology of marriage and the appallingly different pay-offs it represents for men and women, crystallised further. I’d discuss marriage with the teenagers: they shared their views on why they would want to marry, at what age they would marry, what it would cost, and what difference it could make if they held a stable job for three years before they married. When I asked what would make them happy in marriage, a boy said, “My wife should cook for me every day, look after me, my parents, my joint family, and she should do everything I say.” Could a girl ever demand the same of her husband? If that sounds laughably utopian, it shows us how far we are from gender equality and how poorly we have been brought up.

Sonora Jha’s book How to Raise a Feminist Son:A Memoir and Manifesto (Penguin Books, Rs 399), is a rich, vital trove of reflection, experience and DIY tools, on how we can bring up our sons—and daughters—for a gender-just society. A PhD and professor of journalism at Seattle University, Jha is author of Foreign and co-editor of New Feminisms in South Asia. She grew up in Mumbai and was metropolitan bureau chief, Times of India, Bangalore. I highly recommend the book for anyone raising or influencing children, or fighting for a just world for both genders. The book is a full-bodied distillation: Jha shares not only from her own life experiences, she quotes feminist authors, looks for ‘decolonising stories,’ and role models for her son, “building a village” of male feminist allies, and offers to-do lists. She describes her experiences of mostly being single mother to her son Gibran (after she ends two marriages), of how going to the movies was a powerful way of calling out inequity. They went to the movies for fun, but their chats about the film after, shaped Gibran into becoming “equal parts fan, film critic, cultural critic, and feminist at the movies.”

Building empathy is key. “Tell your boy your #MeToo stories. Shift the shame from the abused to the abuser,” she suggests. She movingly describes how “my father had apologised to me for the violence and abuse he inflicted on me, my siblings and our mother for most of our lives with him. My father said he was suffering because of what he did”—he had alienated his entire family. Of her brother, she writes, “It was the fifth time in a row in our adult lives that he was raising his hand on me… The family wants me to forgive him for his violence towards me, I said to Gibran. ‘Has he asked for your forgiveness, Mama?’ Gibran said... ‘You don’t owe him forgiveness, but he owes you an unconditional apology.’” That’s what a feminist son sounds like. If yours wouldn’t do the same, you’ve got some homework to do.

Meenakshi Shedde is India and South Asia Delegate to the Berlin International Film Festival, National Award-winning critic, curator to festivals worldwide and journalist. Reach her at meenakshi.shedde@mid-day.com

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