Secret wisdom of long-haul couples

Yoursquove seen that couple before Theyrsquore both in their 50s or beyond and itrsquos date night Theyrsquove ordered food and now theyrsquore waiting fingers busy with mobiles Occasionally he or she may snort at some cat video and shake their headThey no longer notice each other They donrsquot have a word to say to each other all the words have been spoken Every joke is a repeat every story familiar every response known and every lie caught redhanded as it emerges The children are grown up and gone He looks at younger women and fantasizes She looks at him and wonders what she ever saw in himNo not all marriages are like this but a depressing number are Two people paralysed in a colourless relationship He works overtime coming home as late as he can and quickly going to sleep after dinner She talks about her kids at kitty parties tries to set up a shop on Etsy plans impossible vacations thatrsquoll never happen Theyrsquoll look like a couple again briefly during Diwali or at the New Yearrsquos Eve partyNo one will say anything Everyone knows the feelingA Reddit user called Roku Nervantho asked married couples to share the things every unmarried couple should know before they take the plunge Instead of the usual pious bilge about growing old together through thick and thin and staying true what came in was some remarkably practical wisdom Anyone with a failed marriagemdashor a marriage slowly going limp and lifelessmdashcarries a deep curiosity about how ldquoothers do itrdquo Well here are some answers from the married ones1 Learn how to argue Most people donrsquot have a clue Disagreements grow wings and start flying around like bats that accidentally entered your house They coagulate with older disputes become larger and more flammable Pretty soon itrsquos a shouting slanging fight People will do anything to win and be right even though this game has only losers Someone could get hurtTruth Very little can go wrong between two people who have mastered the art of arguing well The rules are simplemdashNever say ldquoI know what yoursquore going to say Yoursquore so predictablerdquo Instead listen without saying a word Let your next sentence be a questionmdashAlways speak after making sure they have finished In French this would be Please donrsquot interrupt pasmdashDonrsquot share facts share feelings Go one better ask for feelings Most people donrsquot have a clue what their partner feels2 Practice polygamymdashwith the same woman How many times would you marry this person When theyrsquore young full of zing and have eyes only for youmdashthatrsquos easy Would you marry her again when shersquos moody after the second child has folds where she had curves finds sex painful or boring and spends more time with the children than with you Would you say yes to him again when hersquos shagged out from work every day has an unpleasant little paunch can barely manage sex the few times yoursquore in the mood and seems to know only six really bad jokesPeople change drastically in their lives How many times would you marry that person as they change reinvent themselves morph into new bodies learn new and not necessarily pleasant ways of being And what would you do if you become people who would never remarry each other The best ones find a way to fall in love with each other again And again3 Donrsquot expect your partner to make you happy You could fool yourself in the beginning because of the endorphin rush of being in love You start thinking that the sunny laughing girl might be the cure for your blues Shersquos not And if she thinks yoursquore the one whorsquos going to keep her content with candy kisses and castles all her life shersquos wrong tooCouples that lasted say itrsquos no one elsersquos job to make you happy Donrsquot marry if thatrsquos your reason Once the honeymoon is over the sulky depressed you will be back and she wonrsquot love it either And yoursquoll think you married the wrong person because why arenrsquot you happy still4 Donrsquot confuse the wedding with the marriage Someone else paid for it Everyone smelt good There was great food and lots of gifts But the day after is daily life and as someone said daily life sucks5 Donrsquot be afraid to hurt each other Pussyfooting around trying to be Mr Nice Guy or Ms Empathy doesnrsquot get you points If he annoys you tell him sort it out and move on If she really leaves a mess everywhere she goes say it and fix it Airing a problem makes it go awayAs Confucius said or should have If you always leave your dog home one day hersquoll shit on the rugHere viewed from there C Y Gopinath in Bangkok throws unique light and shadows on Mumbai the city that raised him You can reach him at cygopigmailcomSend your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paper