The honest truth about lying kids

As a child I lived on the spectrum Not the autistic one where yoursquore all quiet because of your social skills but the one where everything you say is made up I was a consummate liar I invariably found lsquofactsrsquo Irsquod made up far more interesting than the truthAt one end of the spectrum this made me a popular storyteller with my friends Like ChatGPT I only needed a whiff of reality to hallucinate an alternate universe where people flew talked to animals defeated impossible monsters and saved galaxies from implodingAt the other end there were my everyday lies about what Irsquod done or not done or would do or should have My mother was an innocent consumer of my fibs my father taking no chances regularly administered beltings on the assumption that I must have lied sometime about somethingAlso read For city runners the onus of safety is on themIrsquom a big boy now twenty years over a half century and I find myself awash in a world of grownup liars My best friends lie their best friends lie One of them hates revealing his whereabouts and will lie about location itinerary and intention Another afraid to cause unintended harm will lie and equivocate on nearly any topic until he figures out what you want to hearWe elect rulers who lie reward corporations that lie adulate billionaires who lie and go to war against people who disagree with our liesThere are others like Donald Trump who are adored for being pathological liars unable to acknowledge reality and living in a fantasy world of their own weaving but powered by their own liesIn a typical week you can expect to hear any of these lies mdashKeep talking Irsquom listeningI never got your WhatsAppI didnrsquot block you on Facebook That must be a glitchGod I was stuck in traffic for hoursMy phone diedI just loved the foodLet me ask the obvious question here why is it such a big deal to parents when a child lies Why are we so frantic about teaching honesty ldquoto childrenA 3yearold child standing in a puddle of her own pee is asked by her motherldquoSweetie did you wet your pantsrdquoldquoNordquo she replies unblinkingly ldquoMy shoes did itrdquoAre we watching a little human begin to lose her moral compass Apparently not More and more child psychologists are saying that learning to lie might be a great developmental milestone itrsquos the first time a child realises that her mind and thoughts are different from her parents She has also realised what truth is because she was able to distort itMost children learn to lie between two and four years of age They usually learn it from their parents who unwittingly teach them deception and hypocrisy disguisedas mannersKids are inveterate liars In a 1980s experiment psychologist Michael Lewis left the room after telling children there not to peek at a certain hidden toy Returning minutes later he asked the children if they had peekedThe vast majority of children peeked at the toy within moments of being left alone Eighty per cent of kids over four years age lied about it regardless of their gender race or familyrsquos religionKids are smooth liars In another bunch of studies adultsmdashincluding social workers primary school teachers police officers and judgesmdashwere shown clips of children either lying or telling the truth None of the adults including the childrenrsquos parents could consistently detect the liesAmazingly kids who lie are smarter Yes science says that Toddlers who lied about peeking at the toy had higher verbal IQs than those who didnrsquot Young fibbers are more socially adept and well adjusted according to recent studies of preschoolers Children who lie have better lsquoexecutive functioning skillsrsquomdashfaculties which allow the child to control her impulses and stay focused as well as an enhanced ability to see the world through other peoplersquos eyes Thatrsquos the beginning of a wonderful trait called empathyMost children stop lying by their late teenage years I stopped a little later around 25 but continued telling myself little lies mostly about myself My travel stories were always a little more epic than they really were and in my modest accounts I was always the cool levelheaded hero Today with my hair all white I have finally found the courage to stop believing my liesIf your child is a straight arrow of course therersquos no need to teach her to lie just to make her smart But what should you do when you catch her lyingDonrsquot preach morality Donrsquot tell her about the boy who cried wolf or how Pinocchiorsquos nose grew longer with each lie Donrsquot take her video games awayDonrsquot wield the stickThe best advice Irsquove read comes from psychologist Kang Lee who has been studying deception in children for over 20 years If your child has begun lying celebrate Thatrsquos one smart kid you have thereYou can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopigmailcomSend your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paper