My phone was ringing incessantly, and so I picked it up.
Illustration/Uday Mohite
My phone was ringing incessantly, and so I picked it up.
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A voice said mysteriously, "This is Strain 2."
"Okay, is that your name? We haven't uhm met, Strain 2. Are you a movie sequel or something? Like Rambo and Rambo 2," I replied.
"I am no sequel, I am the real thing, the original. Got it?" the voice barked, aggressively.
I continued, unperturbed. "Was there a Strain 1 which I didn't see? You're obviously the sequel. Remind me, what was the plot of 'Strain 1', and why aren't you called 'The Return of the Strain', huh?"
The voice grew a tad irritated, "Hello hello! Hey boss. I'm no sequel, got it? Sequels are bad copies of the first. I'm an original."
"Look, originals aren't always the best. I preferred Liam Neeson's Taken 3 to both Taken and Taken 2."
"Listen bro. I'm fully my own person," Strain 2 yelled.
"Okay. I believe you. Now, who are you and what do you want?"
"I'm the second strain of the Coronavirus…," the voice explained.
"Why not just say that to begin with?"
"Well, I considered other names. I avoided calling myself CoVid 19–2, that just wasn't cool."
"So, what are you?"
"Ok, lemme be clear, I'll tell you what I'm not. So, that first fellow, the pandemic, the one that messed with all of you from March onwards, was a cheap imitation from China. Typical, low-cost Chinese maal."
"I'll repeat, what are you then?"
"Patience bro, patience. See, I originated in the UK. I'm like the diamond of viruses, great things take time to make, got it? That China one, he's like a rebel. Got out early. He's the black sheep in our world, like a Darth Vader. I'm ready for action, ready to cause some real harm."
"Aren't you six months too late? No one's really scared anymore, people are striding around with no masks on."
"Nothing's too late. I'm no ordinary parasite. I'm a rare mutation."
"So, what do you do?"
"See, the earlier one was cowardly and very small-minded. He gave you fever, you lost your sense of smell and taste. You kind of self isolated for 14 days and you were sorted. Boss! Once I enter your system, you will never be the same again. Think of me as the Incredible Hulk of viruses."
"So, if you're so powerful, why do you need my help?"
"Do you have any clout in the Indian Immigration Department," the voice asked sheepishly.
"Huh? You claim to be this most-destructive of viruses. Why do you want to know if I have contacts with the Immigration peeps?"
"I need a visa man.
They're not giving visas to anyone coming in from the UK. I wish to Brexit and come to live in India, but I can't get entry."
"Man, Strain 2, do you take me for a fool? Why would I allow someone or something into my country as harmful as you?"
"Hello, dude listen. I mean no harm. I wish to enter India, to get into the movies, my dream is to become an actor/screenwriter."
"Ah! So you have a script I'm guessing."
"Yes yes! It's actually a remake of a '70s blockbuster. In my modern version, two virus brothers are separated at birth. One finds his way to Wuhan, China, and one moves to Waterloo, UK. They come to Mumbai in search of their father, they reunite at Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminal, where their dad works."
"What's the film called?"
"Coolie No. 1."
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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