Utterflea and the fake oats dosa

It was a normal day on Twitter soon to be called XEvery second about 143199 fingers all over the planet hit return and sent upto 280 characters whooshing into the ether Silly things flew everywhere Covered elephants tweeted govinethiraj look very much like uncovered elephants Someone called realGod asked if you suffer jetlag or make use of it Someone else quizzed What grows when it eats and dies when it drinks I tweeted back And who caresGetting carried away by my own useless knowledge I continued excitedly using my tweet name of humbird that at the Jolie Femme Thai silk factory poor silkworms build their cocoons but are boiled to extract silk thread before they become butterflies CruelIn the middle of this riveting stuff comes a tweet from Delhirsquos wellknown timepass queen utterflea I wonder what an oats dosa would taste likeYou do know dosa right Itrsquos that round crecircpey pancake thing you get in MughlaiChinesemulticuisine fine dining restobars god bless longwinded descriptions Utterflea may have gone OMG with half a dozen exclamation marks hashtags and other unspeakable characters Shersquos Dravidian same as me and that bit about MughlaiChinese restaurants must have travestetised her vegetarian mindJust kidding I may have tweeted A pristine dosa can only be had in its original form in a pristine South Indian homeI trust yoursquore not confusing my dosa with your fancy American glutenfree buckwheat pancakes that you submerge in maple syrup and pretend yoursquore having a nondiabetic meal The Indian dosa aka the worldrsquos first fast food consists usually of a fermented batter fashioned from Ponni rice black gram urad dal to troglodytes some pigeon peas tuvar dal to you and a few chickpeas come on Chhole Oh also a generous tablespoon of fenugreek seeds you got it methi and salt better known as namak haraamEverything is soaked overnight and then ground to a smootherthanababyrsquosbottom paste Fried to a paperthin golden brown on a griddle it is eaten with gusto or if you donrsquot have that gunpowder lime pickles or coconut chutney Even sugar with ghee will doGhee wiz I tweeted before I lost the thoughtAm I being longwinded Deal with it dear reader I have to somehow write 800 words before the sun sets Plus itrsquos April Foolrsquos Day so all bets are offComing back to the pancake at issue anyone who has even partaken of an essential basic dosa knows that rice is what makes it a dosa Utterflearsquos idle tweet about an oats dosa was designed to be provocative I wonder what an oats dosa would taste likeI couldnrsquot help tweeting back Delicious actually Sometimes a barefaced lie is the only way to sound authoritativeWe make it often I tweeted We never The batter should contain every lentil of a normal dosa plus quinoa and oats Now I waited for utterflea to be utterly fleasomeOn cue she tweeted And I bet it tastes like the postmanrsquos glue we used to seal inland envelopes back when the postal service was a thingShe was right damn her eyes Oats does become gooey so how could the dosa not beNo no no I tweeted protesting too much Itrsquos gooey when amateurs make it Wersquore not amateurs Ours is a dark gold pancake bursting with fibre containing that amazing Mayan grain thatrsquos neither rice nor wheat but better than both while having half the carbs of either Thatrsquos why we call it a quinoa dosaNothing came from utterflea and I hate silence so I added more useless information It has more flavonoids and antioxidants than you can count on ten fingersWhile utterflea who is not used to being taken seriously was chewing on my serious reply a panicstricken tweet arrived from zBeaVis aimed humbird yours truly Why are u misleading people Oats and urad is a dangerous potent mixstomach can explodeAs the world of tweeters began to laugh at the notion of exploding oats pancakes zBeaVis who surely knows more chemistry than utterflea and humbird combined marched on Oats hv Betaglucans and LDLsWhile black lentils hv tryptophanu can DIE if u mix bothI stood transfixed Two formidable tweeters both convulsed by their own questions and witty responses were training their 280character guns on meYou go girl utterflea exhorted zBeaViszBeaVis unused to open praise was chuffed An involuntary tweet escaped her Why ds he call it kinwa dosa when itrsquos oats dosa Ask himI will not lie You canrsquot call it an oats dosa by just adding a spoonful of oats to a normal dosa batter But when I tried to make a pristine oats dosa with only oats I got a pudding I added some quinoa and it was still goo So I added readymade dosa batter and finally it came out golden and crisp But I couldnrsquot in good faith call it an oats dosaI called it a quinoa dosaIf you know how to do it right please tweet someone elseYou can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopigmailcomSend your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paper