Will my real friends please stand up?

This is not a trick question how long would you be willing to travel to see a friend A really good friend Like a Best Friend Forever whom yoursquove known since high schoolI have a BFF in Newcastle and one in Amsterdam But Irsquom in Bangkok and I can tell you right here right now that I would probably just text them through some app Itrsquos too far to travel and too costlyWhat if your bestie came to Pune for a holiday while you were in Mumbai Would you drive down to catch up with them Irsquom betting yoursquod probably have a WhatsApp chat and be done with it Ok if you were really close it might be a video chatLet me push you Your bestie is in the same city as you but staying in a suburban Airbnb about two hours away from you Would you go or would you text themThe socalled 30minute rule gives us a cue Irrespective of whether yoursquoll be walking driving biking cycling or flying if itrsquos more than 30 minutes then science says yoursquoll probably not do it no matter who it is It doesnrsquot make you less of a friend itrsquos more to do with what that time means to youIn the last 20 years my questions about friendship have only grown because the old rules and assumptions do not seem to apply any more To list a few how do you know someone is a friend How long should you expect a friendship to last What keeps a friendship going Is there any such thing as a Best Friend Forever Is anything foreverThe global definition of friendship took a hammering in 2004 when an egregious app called Facebook made it a clickable button FB wanted you to have as many friends as quickly as possible because that made them as much money as possible Around 2007 word leaked out about a certain Dunbarrsquos number which set the limit on the number of stable relationships a person can have at 150 People on Facebook are always trying to find out who their real lsquofriendsrsquo are you might have noticedDr Robin Dunbar has made a life out of studying friendships and has an answer to a key question how much time do people spend with their friends on average The answer after a crosscultural multinational study turns out to be about 20 per cent or roughly 35 hours a day talking sitting eating and so on with people in their social groupJust five people in your innermost social circle called the support clique and most often including close family will get 40 per cent of this time about 175 minutes each Ten people in the next layer called the sympathy group will get about 20 per cent or 45 minutes each The rest will be spread thin over the remaining 135 theoretical people in your circuit Thatrsquos 37 seconds per lsquofriendrsquo a dayDunbarrsquos findings make it easier to answer whether friendships last forever Two factors that seem to matter more than others in a friendship are distance and the amount of time spent together The further away a person is the less likely is communication between you and them Even armed with a mobile phone which makes distance a nonissue you are more likely to phone or text people living nearbyThe magic number here seems to be 160 km one study found that the frequency of phone contact dropped sharply once the distance between two friends crossed that numberSo your bestie from school who told you your friendship was eternal goes to college two continents away Following Dunbarrsquos observation suddenly communication between you two drops to near zeroUnlike family relationships friendships need regular nutrition read communication and quality time to stay welloiled and alive A study at Carnegie Mellon University reckons that a deep friendship will deteriorate to a mere acquaintanceship over just three years of reduced contactIt seems we know in our heart of hearts that if communication stops the relationship starts withering away Human beings do quick calculations about how long to talk to a person Kunal Bhattacharya and Asim Ghosh researchers at Finlandrsquos Aalto University found that the longer the gap after the last call the longer the duration of the next callmdashbut only for close friends in the circle of trustDunbar suggests a few simple rules for keeping the flame of friendship alive even through a pandemic or a time of long separation The words in brackets are mine1 Stand up for friends in their absence And make sure they find out about it2 Share important news But not too often3 Provide emotional support when it is needed And know when to keep it zipped4 Trust and confide in one another But remember everybody needs some secrets5 Volunteer to help when a friend needs you Nobrainer6 Try to make your friends happyIf anyone can figure out how to do 6 please share the secret with meYou can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopigmailcomSend your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paper