‘Closets are for clothes not to hide our truth’

August 13 2022 is when Raga Drsquosilva ldquofinally made peacerdquo with herself The 52yearold Mumbaiborn author and entrepreneur says that until then she had just been ldquorunning awayrdquo ldquoA lot of running awayrdquo she repeats ldquoa lot of not wanting to be that personrdquoLast Saturday two days before India turned 75 Drsquosilva who identifies as lesbian married her longtime partner Nicola Fenton in London where she now resides with her wife and twins Aana and Aash ldquoI love Nicola and adore her buthellip accepting oneself takes a lot of questioning Who wants to live that life anywayrdquo she tells us over a video call In some way Drsquosilva feels marrying Fenton put all those anxieties to rest finally Love always wins she assures us And their wedding was nothing short of a dreamDrsquosilva and Fenton with their children Aana Drsquosilva and Aash Drsquosilva Fenton PicsPaul PhippsWilliams PhotographyldquoOur original plan was to have it on August 15 but we didnrsquot get the venue Plus we thought who would be able to make it on a weekday so we chose August 13 but it was done keeping in mind 75 years of Indiarsquos Independencerdquo smiles Drsquosilva ldquoI donrsquot know who seeded this idea of getting married but we are like this old couple who finish off each otherrsquos sentencesrdquoFor the wedding Drsquosilva wore a black dhoti saree that had a pink border with Fenton complementing it with a rani pink sherwani The couple wanted to celebrate their rootsmdashDrsquosilva is Mangalorean who was raised in Bandra while Fenton grew up in Auckland New Zealand ldquoAt the registry we had the haka welcome a ceremonial Mori dance which is usually performed in a group and represents a display of a tribersquos pride strength and unity which left us both tearyeyed For the reception we had our brothers from Gay Network in London who carried a rainbow flag chaddar and made us walk under thatmdashat the end they wrapped us in the flag saying they will protect us foreverrdquo she gushes ldquoWe served food on banana leaves just like how it is done in south India My children gave beautiful speechesmdashmy son Aash said that he is a proud son of his proud mothers and my daughter Aana repeatedly said that this was the happiest day of her liferdquoDrsquosilva is still reeling from the wedding high when we reach out to her She however admits that none of this has come easilyDrsquosilva and Fenton go back nearly 15 years The couple first met in Wellington New Zealand in 2007 long after Drsquosilvarsquos marriage to her ldquobest friendrdquo whom she identifies only as Ravi had fallen apart Ravi and Drsquosilva who were married in Mumbai in 1995 and were parents to twins had moved to the island country in 2001 ldquoOur marriage collapsed within a year but I continued to hold on to itrdquo she shares Around this time Drsquosilva was coming to terms with her own sexuality It turned ugly when her mother who was visiting her in New Zealand found out about this when she chanced upon an unsent letter written by Drsquosilva to her friend admitting that her marriage was not working out and that she was considering separation and dating women ldquoOne night when I was putting my kids to sleep my mother attempted to knife me she was very angry You can imagine the dramahellip I got so scared If this was going to be the response from my own mother my safe space how would the rest of the world reactrdquo she remembersSoon the news spread within the Indian community and thatrsquos when the harassment began ldquoPeople would throw things at my car spat on my window glasses I would return from the supermarket to see lsquobloody lesbianrsquo written on my windshield One day a sareeclad Gujarati woman pushed me kicked me and spat on me in a supermarket and called me a lsquohome wreckerrsquo My children and I were ostracised My confidence level took a big hit I was doing very well at work my workplace had antidiscriminatory laws but when they got to know there was a lot of homophobia so I left that jobrdquoDrsquosilva divorced her husband in 2003Four years later she met Fenton ldquoNicola used to work at the New Zealand Parliament and would organise various events for them We met at one of these eventshellip I donrsquot think we knew about each otherrsquos sexual orientation then We chatted briefly exchanged cards and she told me that she would love to visit India I told her that I was leaving for China and I remember telling her to call me sometime and meet for coffee but she never calledrdquo remembers Drsquosilva adding that after she returned she took a chance and phoned Fenton She responded positively ldquoIt was a beautiful cafe After coffee she asked me if I wanted to go for a drive I agreed Post the drive she asked me if I would like to go for dinner And this dating cycle hasnrsquot stopped since Even this morning she asked if she could take me out Thatrsquos our liferdquo laughs Drsquosilva who is director and cofounder Speaking Minds an international speaker agencyDrsquosilva confesses that when she met Fenton she ldquowas in piecesrdquo ldquoI told her that I come in a package you will get two children and one exhusbandrdquo There was another ridermdashDrsquosilva didnrsquot want to come out just yet ldquoThis is something I regret I didnrsquot give her the respect that she deserves which is perhaps why I married her I owed her this Closets are for clothes not to hide our truth She raised these two children she made them her own she has given me unconditional loverdquo she saysThe first time Drsquosilva addressed her sexuality was when she came out with her book Untold Lies in 2019 ldquoBut I think itrsquos only after we got married last week that I have started accepting our relationship publicly It feels liberating I have been fighting for equal marriage rights for our community in India I am very grateful that it is available for me in the UK where I can easily marry my partner but when I go to India the moment I cross the border I become single again and I would love for this to be available to all my brothers and sisters from the LGBTQ community We will continue this fightrdquo