Daddy’s issues

I always wanted a daughterrdquo says Virat Singh with an excitement palpable even via text message ldquoI wanted to tie her choti before she goes to school drop her to the bus pick her up from school listen to all her bakbak and stories patientlyhellip Will any organisation ever respect and understand my feelings of getting to do these tasks which will make me happy while I am working remotelyrdquoSingh heads Communications with Asar a development startup working on air pollution climate change and other environment issues Singh gets to work from home though he travels a fair bit which gives him and his spouse Dipti the flexibility of tagteaming for parenting responsibilitiesAnd yet when cricketer Jasprit Bumrah left the Asia Cup midway for the birth of his child it was deemed unprofessionalhellip even unpatriotic But then just look at the precedent Just ahead of the ODI World Cup in February 2015 former skipper MS Dhoni said he would not go home from Australia to see his newborn as he was ldquoon national dutiesrdquo Of course cricket is not just a game and this was the World Cuphellip but it wasnrsquot the trenches And much of the grandiosity attached to it comes from the revenue the matches generate through sponsorship TRPs advertising and tourism National identity looks best when worn over an excessively commercial endeavourVirat Singh switched professions in favour of a fourday work week with an organisation that puts family first so that he could enjoy watching sevenyearold Aarya growmdashZoom call interruptions tantrums bakbak and all PicAnurag AhireFew however are talking about the underlying truth that men are still excused from personal domestic labourmdashsuch as caregiving for ill dependant or senior family members Any job they do outside the home is still seen as a contribution towards a greater good of the country the economy or at least the multinational companyrsquos bottom lineA prepandemic Time Use Survey TUS measured the participation of men and women in paid and unpaid activities within 24 hours The TUS is a Government of India initiative introduced in 2019 which conducts surveys on socioeconomic issues This survey included time spent in unpaid caregiving activities and unpaid domestic service producing activities of the household members The National Statistical Office which conducts the TUS observed 138799 households 82897 rural 55902 urban during JanuaryDecember 2019 and among other things found that 812 per cent of women engage in unpaid domestic work in their own household as opposed to 261 per cent of the men Within this 14 per cent men took on caregiving responsibilities of family members such as children spouses parents or inlaws in contrast to 276 per cent women A slightly higher percentage of rural men were found to participate in housework and caregivingIn urban areas much of it has to do with the oldworld order where even corporates assumed that caregiving responsibilities lay solely with women It would be much more acceptable for a woman to arrive at work late citing having to take an inlaw to the doctorrsquos than for a single father even an oncology surgeon to take a half day for his daughterrsquos PTAAt the start of his career Chris DrsquoSouza requests to leave in the middle of the work day to handle domestic violence at home were met with apathyldquoI worked with a reputable hospitalrdquo says a senior oncologist from Pune a single father to a now adult daughter ldquoand no matter how much they boasted about building a familyfirst supportive environment the undertones while giving me leeway when she was ill or needed me was lsquocanrsquot someone else perhaps the nanny take care of itrsquordquoPaternity leave is often little more than a feeble dad joke One former media person got four days off after the birth of his son which was reluctantly extended by two more days when his wife had to stay longer in the hospital due to labour complicationsldquoIt begins even before you ask for leaverdquo he says ldquoThere is an atmosphere of fear and suspicion making you feel you donrsquot deserve days off unless there is a calamity such as the death of an immediate relative It would make me anxious to ask for a day off to take my mother to the doctor and it would build up until I got a response from the department head approving ithellip which would usually be a passive aggressive reminder of how much leave I had already takenrdquoChris DrsquoSouza faced worse insensitivity when he lived in Kandivli and worked as IT support staff for an IT company in Mumbai from 20132016 ldquoIt was the early years of my careerrdquo says the engineer who is now in his early 30s and works remotely from Dehradun ldquoand I didnrsquot have that much clout to demand leave My father was verbally and physically abusive to my mother and I would get messages from my neighbours in the middle of the work day If I requested to leave my manager would say lsquoWhat will you do Just call the cops and they will take care of ithelliprsquo not realising that I would need to take care of my motherrdquo To complicate matters his department did not have a fixed day offWhen Aamod Potdar worked with an IT firm in Pune in 201516 his companyrsquos denial to recognise a manrsquos necessity to participate in familial duties trickled down in his attitude towards team members requesting him for days off ldquoI would have the same mindset it became part of company culturerdquo He remembers a time he needed to take some days off to travel to Mumbai after an uncle passed away ldquoAfter just one day awayrdquo says the Charni Road resident and father to twoyearold Aadvika ldquoI got a call asking when I would be back In the end I got only three days offrdquoPotdar now works for a multinational firm that produces software for Indian pharma companies and easily gets a week of bereavement leave ldquowithout being guilttripped or being asked who the dead relative is to judge necessityrdquo His wife is a professor and he can even easily request halfaday off to attend a PTA meeting at his twoyearold daughterrsquos playschoolFortunately increasingly more employers especially startups are taking cue from American companies and focusing on facilitating lifework balance and prioritising mental health for men A sales professional we spoke to took up a job in Kolkata in 2017 in the early years of his career to be closer to his parents who lived five hours away in Jharkhand ldquoI thought I would go home for the weekendrdquo he says ldquoBut I was even denied leave for my brotherrsquos engagement ceremony saying that was an important month for us targetwise My manager said since I would take leave for his wedding anyway why go for the engagement When I went regardless every small mistake I made in the next few months was pinned to my absence that monthmdasheven though I was among the top 10 sales performers that monthrdquoNow he works for a startup from the hills in northeast India easily having procured permission to work remotely for four to six months citing family emergency ldquoI was living in Mumbai and my mental health wasnrsquot too goodrdquo he says ldquoPlus the rents in Mumbai were too high I told my bosses I needed some time off and they only asked how much without questioning which family member was ill They took the effort to work out how I could perform my duties remotely When a company takes a stand for you like this you give your best My productivity has increasedrdquoSimilarly Singh says he gives Asar his ldquo700 per centrdquo because they understand how important parenting his sevenyearold is for him ldquoWhen I first wrote an email requesting leave three or four months after I joined the firm in 2019 I was highly apologetic I was invited to a prestigious conference in England and really wanted to attendrdquo says the Dahisar resident ldquoWithin three minutes the CEOmdash Vinuta Gopalmdashresponded saying this was a great opportunity that I certainly should not miss I reread the email a few times to check mere aankhon ka dokha toh nahin hai Then I trepidatiously wrote back saying since I had family there I would like to take my family too and extend the visit to include a vacation He replied that I certainly mustrdquoSingh now leaves a meeting midway at 1230 to drop his daughter to the school bus He can take a day off citing innocuous reasons such as lsquoMy daughter is cranky and needs mersquo or lsquoWersquore in Lonavla and Aarya is having such a good time she wants to stay another dayrsquo His gamble to move out of his older profession into something that respects his choice to watch her grow has paid off ldquoAsar gives me that I travel a lot but when I am at home I can compensate and watch her grow She interrupts so many online meetings and no one cringes In fact everyone says hi to her or asks to see the art she has createdhelliprdquoWhy after all should moms have all the fun