How sex-positive movements are bringing fetishes, kinks into the mainstream

It is the safest and the most unobjectified we have felt since we turned nine years oldIn the basement of an old mill a kink event called Vanilla Disrupted is underway On a mezzanine a man in a dog mask and a TShirt is busy worshipping the feet of a TIC The Intimacy Curator Angel Tonight he is going by the name Lirsquol Boy The Angel is one of the many volunteers who escorts participants ensuring that Hets heterosexuals donrsquot go into queeronly territoryTables are laden with tools to try Whips restraints mouth gags floggers all made of leather thick cotton ropes your momrsquos wooden spatula for spankinghellipDoms dominatrix committed to their role this evening in leather corsets sheer bodysuits over tight skirts and stilettos are on the standby for any experience you like And after theyrsquove flogged whipped spanked youmdasheither in private or with an audience your preferencemdashtheyrsquoll ask you if they can hug you After care is big hereAs is consentRepresentation picGetty ImagesThatrsquos an ironclad rule that TIC sent participants before the event and quizzed attendees on at entry There are five slides of these rules on Instagram most of them spelling out every level and detail of consentmdashphotography speaking watching interaction that it can be withdrawn that an inebriated person cannot give consent the others reminding cisgender heterosexual Cishets that queer folk do not have too many dedicated spaces and to please respect this and not go to the queeronly zonesKink and fetishes are by no means new to the city Informal kinky groups have existed since the 1990s holding activities in hotel rooms and weekend homes If you are plugged in yoursquod know of swinger parties in your areas and getaways to homes nestled in the orchards of Maharashtrarsquos coast A few years ago this writer had interviewed a Mumbaibased corporate professional who would answer newspaper adverts for manservants and spend the day feeling powerless and disenfranchisedmdashthat was his aphrodisiac Hersquod dust and clean up homes and gradually ldquogive up power to the woman of the houserdquo and coerce her into abusing himmdashpressing her feet he had a foot fetish being slapped or hit and generally being lowlySniggering and haitauba aside what was heartbreaking about that conversation was that the young gentleman in his late 20s had given up on companionship He could not fathom anyone accepting even enjoying his sexual activities He also kept putting himself in grave danger going to homes of strangers and at the risk of the men of the house finding out he was beaten up within an inch of his life onceSubs line up for auction at Vanilla Disrupted in Mumbai PicSamarthHowever in the past few years with the sex positive movement becoming a helpful juggernaut events such as Vanilla Disrupted are bringing fetishes kinks and anything other than missionary into the mainstream And to build it on a foundation of mutual consent respect and aftercare TIC has for the last two years promoted selfdiscovery through emotional and sexual well being by offering dating intimacy and relationship coaching services The epiphany that sexual health is mental health is in no small part due to gargantuan efforts by the LGBTQiA community And sex positive therapists such as Pooja Nair a mental health practitioner at Mariwala Health Initiative As the faculty member at their Queer Affirmative Counselling Practice course puts it ldquoSexual health and mental health are interconnected If one does not experience wellbeing in the sexual sphere it has an adverse impact on onersquos mental health and the reverse can also be truerdquo Not relegated only to performance not experiencing your authentic sexual self stops you from being whole forming authentic companionship bonds and burdens one with shame repression selfhate secrecy or lonelinessKink or consensual BDSM bondage and discipline dominance and submission and sadism and masochism refers to a range of sexual activities that rely on psychological emotional of physical dominanceRepresentation picGetty ImagesJoy Willingly one of the founder members of the Kinky Collective who has been a part of its activities since the 2000s explains ldquoIf the sexual desires of a person are repressed that would definitely affect their mental health The sexual self is part of your being In the event that one part is suppressed a person can never be whole When a person cannot express their desire they suffer from guilt and repression The repressed desire can manifest in ways that could be dangerous for the person as well as societyrdquoldquoI have been in and out of this lifestyle for many yearsrdquo says the fit middleaged man beside me ldquoBut now I feel like I need to be into it completely or I will go mad Itrsquos too suffocatingrdquo He came in clothes best described as too norm core to register and changed into black leather chaddis with a leather harness around his torso and neck with a large D ring on it He wears sleek specs and the Apple watch is ready to capture his activity for the evening He sidles up to me perhaps because we are the closest in age at the gathering Irsquom wearing a strappy red dress with a neckline to my navel and no restrainAnd ever since Irsquove entered this room not one man has broken eyecontact to sneak a look In the middle of a darkened room with men and women who like to give and receive pain humiliate and be humiliated and will bid on Subs Submissives with fake money later in the evening this is the least objectified I have ever been in my life Through the evening I donrsquot bother pulling the hem of my dress over my knees like a friend is teaching a toddler to do or bother pulling up my straps when they slip down my shoulders Safety is palpable not lascivity And not only to me Manyabosom is exposed and X marks the spot Nudity here is empowering not exploitative And desirability is not pinned to a body type The venue staff have been told what to expect and what to do if things get out of hand Itrsquos the freest I have seen women move outside a beauty parlour or changing rooms in school gymsAkshay Jha and Aili Seghetti founders of The Intimacy Curator PicSamarthA large part of this assurance is because the apex predator has been barred entry Cishet men are not allowed without a partner In this room there are only three of them linked by arm to their women One Akshay Jha of them is cofounder of TIC The other cofounder Aili Seghetti wears pink leatherite hotshots over fishnet stocking and a shiny sling bag that announcesTheyThemSo much of the communication and consent is nonverbal As you enter a TIC Angel hands you a consent form to read and sign receive a goody bag and then you choose from baskets of wristbands and stickers to convey Queer Only Shhh thatrsquos donrsquottalktome and we would like this in daily life No photography Exhibitionist Dom Sub Switch Masochist Sadist What a wonderful way to go through lifeAs soon as a group of 10 gathers a TIC Angel in bondage clothing participants have been encouraged to dress the part and a halo headband gives you the tour of the play area In the central marketplace a handful of vendors sell candles for wax play sex chocolates leather fetish wear sex toys whips and other tools and gear The seasoned try them on enthusiasticallyPooja Nair a mental health practitioner at Mariwala Health InitiativeOn the mezzanine is the play area and Lilrsquo Boy is hard at it Aarya a petite buxom Dom along with othersmdashall womenmdashruns candidates through sensory experiences with feathers floggers spatulas whips her nails and other points in her body as you prefer In the open or behind a curtainLirsquol Boy on all floors asks you before every move May I kiss your shoe May I lick the sole of your shoe May I take off your shoe May I kiss your feetHis eyes have not wandered above my ankle ldquoKink works on the principle of temporary and limited consentrdquo informs Nair ldquoIt is a consensual dynamic If a person has to experience it safely they have to consent to it as do the other individuals involved In terms of safety rule of confidentiality and rule of consent are key And within those consent is nonnegotiable The kinkiness is a result of this consentrdquoWhich is why every step is so well thought out In our goodie bag is fake money Subs can approach a Dom they like and offer them their money to bid on them But the organisers repeatedly remind you that you are under no obligation to do so You can bid on whomever you likeIn all the atmosphere is charged with extroversion and lightness lsquoPlayrsquo is the word used freely and information comes through it The first game of the night is Kinky Bingo 20 sex acts are announced and the person to cross them all out gets a prizemdashafter she shares her story about the Roman Shower and Coprophilia Her advice is to use a bathtub in a hotel for the former to reduce cleanup The host points out to plastic cups at entry and the direction to the bathroom for anyone interested in golden showers Many others are explained and there is no wincing from the crowdTwo rounds of speed dating ensue where Subs are given 20 seconds to secure a Dom with sex act prompts written behind the bingo card to start the conversation Then comes bidding for Subs They line up near the stage on their knees ldquoPlease applaud for themrdquo says our host ldquoit takes great courage to show your behinds to a room full of strangersrdquo A panel of Doms all women but for one man sits on stage Each sub is presented with the list of services they offer and then the Doms test a skill Some desire humiliation and the Doms hint at the size of his penis When the bidding starts they ask if anyone has change to start with Subs want to be stomped on 10 pairs of heels skilfully teeter on a man with a platformed block heel on his jaw ldquoSo hotrdquo says the Rubenesque beauty with curly hair and a ldquoQueer Onlyrdquo sticker on her chest An elfin girl in a cat mask is bent over a Domrsquos knee bottom to the audience and being spanked while another Dom berates her in sexual termsAnother Sub is carrying a bottle of water a shallow plastic tub and a funnel in his backpack He washes a Domrsquos feet and drinks the water declaring it the most intoxicating drink in the city that night The highest bid but one is for Max the man in a complete leather dog suit who performs tricks begs for belly rubs and demonstrates how pleased he is at every ldquoGood boyrdquo The highest is for the sub who was put on auction by his Dom as ldquomy most precious belongingrdquo but bought back by herldquoArenrsquot you going to bidrdquo asks a young man next to me ldquoDonrsquot see anything I likerdquo I reply with nonchalance I donrsquot feel ldquoWill you bid if I gordquo he asks Lirsquol Boy hands me his money and requests me to bid on him Irsquom wearing tangerine court shoes with block heels I decline and he is visibly disappointed My friend in leather hotshots is by my side and making small talk again ldquoWould you rather not talkrdquo he asks after a few monosyllabic answers from me His eyes have not wandered to my clavicle where the sticker that says lsquoShhrsquo rests He politely leaves me alone for the rest of the eveningldquoGiven the kind of silence and shame that exists around kinkrdquo Nair explains ldquoPeople have had to create or be part of communities that organise events or workshops or play etc Today because of social media platforms and a certain openness on dating sites and apps people can express their kink and meet others who feel the same wayrdquoJoy is on the same page ldquoBeing part of the community and finding likeminded people goes a long way in providing a safe space for individuals with nonnormative desires As a member of the community one gets the space to talk about their desires unabashedly and can find out ways of channelising their erotic needs in a safe and consensual mannerrdquoAn acquaintance and I catch sight of each other across the room and politely look away We donrsquot talk at all At the end of the evening I give my money to the girl next to me We have been chatting away happily like two women in the Ladies compartment in the last local ldquoDo you want me to bid on yourdquo she asks pleasantly Games over people are encouraged to go up to the play areas with their new partners A middleaged man in the most elaborate leather fetish wear talks about how he has been a part of this lifestyle all of his life but as a gay man would only play abroad His early experiences in India had led to gang rape He shrugs it off Many here are familiar with sexual violenceldquoKink is an important part of sexualness expression of desire or connection with an individualrdquo says Nair ldquoAn individual deserves the chance to explore that part of themselves to feel a connection to it and a connection to others Joining all of these dots is important for this person to experience all parts of themselves We are having to discuss kink and fetish because that desire is covered in shame and stigma Sometimes it is also unarticulated you know you canrsquot explore it but donrsquot know why These become two barriers to experiencing that part of yourselfrdquoShe gives the best analogy Literally and metaphorically imagine yourself as your home Your kinky side could be a room that is locked up that nobody goes to And not only does no one go there or talk about it people are ashamed the room exists That is bound to change your relationship with that home The impact can be different for different individuals Sex sexuality desire sexual connection are core parts of the human experience and also influence how we relate to other people Unsafe exploration can lead to difficulties in how intimacy is experienced how relationships are experienced How one experiences onersquos own sexual natureAnd now therersquos a key