Happily divorced: Former partners share how separation with love can be possible

Last month the Supreme Court backed the need for a provision of nofault divorces Noting that some marriages end due to irreconcilable differences the court observed that under the Hindu Marriage Act divorce is based on ldquofault theoryrdquoldquoThis will really change the landscaperdquo says Shasvathi Siva a writer and marketing professional who runs a support group for people terminating their marriage ldquoWhy does something have to go wrong for a marriage to end Divorce can also be an option because the relationship worked once but not anymorerdquoThe benchrsquos observation reflects the amicability seen between many former partnersShasvathi Siva Vandana Shah and Sarah KapadialdquoThere is definitely a shift in mindsetrdquo says Sarah Kapadia partner at South Mumbaibased law firm Vesta Legal adding that this mutual acceptance is a strong foundation for coparentingDivorce lawyer Vandana Shah says the legal process can help nurture this mutual respect rather than corrode it ldquoThe subject of contention is usually custody of children and alimony This should be discussed and agreed upon in the first meeting with the counsellor Once this is done itrsquos an easier ride for everyone involvedrdquoFour years ago the exes adopted a pair of cats who they coparentlsquoWe chose to not exaggerate and make it more difficultrsquoKartik Vermani 37 who hails from Paonta Sahib an industrial town in Himachal Pradesh and Mumbaibased Rahul Nanavare 36 met at their work place in their case a hotel in 2010 and fell in love Vermani worked in the front office and Nanavare in foodand beverageldquoOur working hours were very differentrdquo says VermaniTwo years later the couple got married and moved to Amritsar ldquoOur professions were demanding and we were both ambitiousrdquo she says ldquoAfter Amritsar we both moved to Bangalore Then he got a job in Chennai and I in Hyderabad While we supported each otherrsquos ambitions we werenrsquot spending much time together So I moved to Chennai for a job that wasnrsquot at par with my experience It made me unhappy And while I am very expressive Rahul isnrsquotrdquo Vermani now works at the Holiday Inn in AgraThe couple then moved to Nanavarersquos native place Mumbai and that was the final nail in the coffin ldquoIt was difficult for me to travel by local trains and the job demanded travelrdquo Vermani continues ldquoI had changed departments and there werenrsquot many job offers I took a break from work and that hit my confidence I was no longer the person I used to berdquoVermani began seeing a therapist and when a position opened in Chandigarh in December 2018 she decided to take it up The couple separatedldquoBut for the sake of our families and societyrdquo she says ldquowe would attend family events together and put up a show on social media as well He even travelled all the way to Himachal Pradesh to attend a wedding on my side of the familyrdquo They both decided not to exaggerate their separation and ldquomake it difficult for each otherrdquoldquoThere were differences and arguments perhaps many of them but no deeprooted hatredrdquo says Nanavare who continued working in Bombay and is currently a general manager at The Bombay Canteen ldquoWe separated by December 2018 but due to the distance and pandemic were granted divorce in January this year The time apart gave us many insightsrdquo he says adding that they both carried childhood baggageldquoWe used the time apart to iron out our differences Kartik was in therapy and she would share her insights and it would also help us understand the situation betterrdquoToday the former spouses celebrate all the major milestones in each otherrsquos lives and have meals together when they are in the same city ldquoWe took a trip to Krabi in November 2019 to celebrate my birthdayrdquo shares Vermani ldquoIt was like taking a trip with a friendrdquo adds NanavareTheir catsmdashMillie and Juliemdashbind them too ldquoWhile he is happy to keep them he has asked if I wanted to move them in with merdquo says Vermani who flew down to Mumbai in August to celebrate their fourth birthday ldquoHe still comes to pick me up from and drop me to the airport orders food for me when I am there and offers his home to stay When Irsquom back in Agra he sends pictures and videos of the cats frequentlyrdquo In the new chapter in her life Vermani though no longer married to a Maharashtrian still celebrates Ganesh chaturthi ldquoHe would celebrate it every year and I began to alsordquo she says ldquoI was so fascinated by this tradition that I got it organised in the hotel I work at I am grateful I made it happen and I wish to continue the traditionrdquolsquoIt was therapy that helped usrsquoAfter being married for five years Mumbaibased writerjournalist Mihir Patkar 37 and baker and copyeditor Gayatri Sarang 40 separated in 2016 and divorced a year later ldquoWe both began growing in different directions without realising itrdquo says Patkar ldquoThere came a point when we realised we were very different people from when we started datingrdquoldquoThere was no one particular moment when this dawned upon usrdquo says Sarang ldquoWe were stuck in a rut Mihir and I had a love marriage but we came to a point where we werenrsquot spending enough time together and realised that we would be happier if we separatedrdquo Patkar agrees adding ldquoWe were living under the same roof and doing things together but it wasnrsquot coming from a place of joy It was routinerdquoThe pair went for counselling which they agree contributed to the peaceful divorce ldquoThere is an image in your head of how your marriage should berdquo says Patkar ldquoand if reality does not match that image you begin wondering if it is your fault or the otherrsquos We were also finding it difficult to tell each other how we felt Seeing a therapist helped us realise that it was no onersquos fault It helped us see our true self and empathise with what we both were going through We are two nice people we were not mean to each other and perhaps thatrsquos why wersquore still friendsrdquo The other thing they did right according to Sarang is that they ldquodidnrsquot wait for things to get ugly We didnrsquot play dirty games making it difficult for each otherrdquoThey share a warm relationship with not just each other but their families too ldquoThere is no animosityrdquo says Sarang ldquowhich is perhaps because we both decided that we would talk to our respective families and make them understand so that there is no emotional blackmailing from either siderdquo Sarang recently remarried and lives in PuneTheir divorce was lsquofaultlessrsquo but Sarang admits that it wasnrsquot a bed of roses either ldquoWe Indians are raised to believe marriages are sacrosanct Just because it divorce was amicable it wasnrsquot easyrdquo