‘I need to love me first’

Kat gaya kya ya hai Have your breasts been removed or do you still have themrdquoThis is the first dialogue we hear in What if I Tell You Agar Mein Kahu a documentary by breast cancer survivor Teenaa Kaur Pasricha on her diagnosis and recovery Pasricha talks about the confusion when she was asked this question she narrates that she answered the question reflexively ldquoYes they are thererdquo but then reflects about how damaging that question was as she sets off on her journey of selfdiscoveryPasricharsquos documentary is slated for release on a small scale in October the month internationally marked for breast cancer awarenessParicharsquos parents have been featured in the documentary a tough decision says the filmmakerThe 30yearold Andheri resident was diagnosed in 2018 After surgery and a year of chemotherapy she was declared cancerfree But she began ruminating about it only during the COVIDndashinduced lockdown a period that spelled introspection and a reassessment of life for many ldquoI waited until things were open to the public the shots you see of me in the hospital and the doctor speaking to me happened then At the time I was just trying to make sense of breast cancer as a disease While trying to find these answers I ended up finding merdquo she saysThe documentary is a raw unfiltered look at the life of National Film Award winner Pasricha as she fightsmdashand beatsmdashcancer It also features poignant moments from another daunting challenge in her life finding love as a breast cancer survivor It depicts Pasricha going about her treatment at Tata Memorial Centrersquos Advanced Centre for Treatment Research and Education in Cancer ACTREC in Kharghar blended with shots filmed by herself of interactions with her parents about her condition and three prospective marriage candidates from Delhi Ajmer her hometown and MumbaiThe film touches upon how Pasricha reveals to each of the three suitors that she is a breast cancer survivor ldquoIf you watch the movie after I tell the men about the disease I do not give any commentary I just let the audience soak up what the reaction ismdashthe good the great and the notsogreatonesrdquo she saysTherersquos a poignant moment in the film when Pasricha cries into the camera talking about loneliness and her wish to have a person to share her life with but she admits that it canrsquot just be anyone Asked if she has found someone now Pasricha quickly responds ldquoI do not regret meeting new people during my search for a partner but now I am not doing much searching I still want love but have realised that I need to love me firstrdquoThese intimate shots of Pasricharsquos life are what make the film so powerful Originally though the awardwinning filmmaker had intended to stay firmly behind the camera ldquoIn the beginning I had no intention of being a part of the movie But when I tested it out with a few audiences I was told that they wanted to see more of me That is when the movie became more me than I had intendedrdquo she tells us over the phone ldquoTo put myself in the movie was something I was very hesitant about because it would also mean that I would have to get my parents to consent to be in it as wellrdquo she addsAs a spiritual person Pasricha wanted to address the connection between mind and body and what happens when they lose sync especially among women ldquoMost of us have a very superficial connection with our body I wanted to talk to urban women who put in crazy work hours build their careers but there is no ldquomerdquo no relationship with ourselves In fact I donrsquot even remember women in my life sitting and speaking about things that matter to us like health or any mention of this disease and it made me wonder why that isrdquo she addsOne of the ways Pasricha seems to have found her connection is via a spiritual healer Kala who reads her energy and tells her that her body especially her throat and her heart is not aligned with her soul ldquoI hadnrsquot met Kala until I was diagnosed I knew of her but it was when I began to go on this journey about knowing my body is when I met her and it helped me understand myself slightly morerdquo she addsThe documentary which has found sponsorship from Bangladeshbased Dhaka DocLab and Bitchitra Collective in the US will be entering the yearend film festival circuit as well