India's first trans designer, Saisha Shinde on her journey and struggles

When the boys at Wadalas St Josephs High School catcalled Saisha Shinde then Swapnilaye baila it stuck like stubborn chewing gum on his psyche translating into low selfworthThey bullied me because I was shy and had feminine features Those were the worst years of my lifeshe says in a detailed interview since introducing herself on social media this month The church on the school premises became a refuge where she would wait in a corner until everyone else had left for the day her cue to leave campus minus abuseComing out as a gay man in her early 20s coincided with studying at the National Institute of Fashion Technology After spending much of my school life feeling like less of a man I decided to make my behaviour and appearance hyper masculine It was a 100 per cent conscious decision We are talking of the early 90s when gay men were reduced to a caricature she saysLakme Fashion Week show in 2010 spotlighted highoctane glamour PicGetty ImagesThis year on January 5 Shinde introduced himself as hermdashSaisha 39 a trans woman Born male Saisha says she felt like a woman for as long as she can remember detesting cutting her hair and preferring to play with dollies In her 20s she admitted to herself that she was attracted to men and accepted the gay or male homosexual identity But seven years ago with the help of therapy Saisha realised that she suffered from gender dysphoria a fundamental incongruence between a persons assigned gender and expressed gender She says its in the last six months of 2020 when she was able to achieve full claritymdashI am a trans womanBefore the big reveal on social media life was not complicated for Shinde as a gay man I come from a privileged family and was financially sorted as a designer It was easier to live in denial but I realised that something was not right That I had to finally live for myself My friends didnt know that I was wearing makeup and heels and dressing up behind closed doors I was living between genders I felt like a woman who dressed up as a man in rugged boots and a stubble not the other way aroundSwapnil Shinde with Sunny Leone at Lakme Fashion Week SummerResort show in February 2020 PicGetty ImagesWhen it was time to tell her parents and colleagues she was in a fixmdashnot because she was worried how theyd react but would her parents get itI was struggling to find the right terms in Marathi to articulate what I was feeling and who I was going to beBorn and raised in Dadars Hindu Colony Shinde moved to her own independent flat in Wadala at the age of 24 Her entrepreneur father manages a chain of restaurants in the city including the popular Rishi at Dadar East station Her mother is an artist and homemakerMy father is extremely liberal minded He has always been there for me from buying dolls when I was a child to supporting my career in fashion and standing by me when I decided on gender transition even having a say in the doctors I would consultIt was tougher for her mother Shinde says she took a day to come aroundShe couldnt recognise me when I met her dressed as a woman for the first time She helped me choose a new name the designer shares the name Saisha with her niece We now exchange tips on hair and makeupShinde laughsShe was keen to see how her staff would reactSir aap bahut badal rahe hoobserved someone at the design studio Shinde held a meeting to share her decision explaining the transition process to the team she had worked with for yearsThey were happy for me They now call me maamSaisha the designer label made a debut at Lakmeacute Fashion Week LFW as part of the Gen Next class of 2006 Since then her label has been known for redcarpet gowns cocktail dresses with nipped waists and hemlines ending a little shy of knees She knew how to make women all women look glamorous including Bollywood stars Kareena Kapoor Deepika Padukone and Aditi Rao Hydari Now its her turnBut it was at LFW in February 2020 that Shindes design compass took a turn of sorts mirroring perhaps her state of mind Fittingly titled NotThe Cool Girl the collection was immediately less commercial and explored gender fluidityBy October 2019 I had reached a point where I was ready to go ahead with the gender transition I am also in the midst of reinventing my label Next I plan to do a live show expressing my new identity I want to walk the runway and take a bow as Saishashe sharesIts evident that fashion provided Shinde the strength and expression platformBut the Indian fashion industry does not support a great deal of openness On the face it is welcoming but how many designers do we know who have come out as gay And what about women Are there no lesbian designers in our country They continue to believe that coming out will harm their imagesays Shinde quickly bringing up praise for Anjali Lama the transgender model from Nepal who was born Nabin Waiba Shinde hopes her coming out encourages the LGBTQA community to speak their truthShe has completed 40 per cent of the gender reassignment procedure and by November 2021 when she turns 40 she will be done The process started with repeated sessions with psychiatrists Dr Neha Shah and Dr Armaan Pandey followed by hormone replacement therapy with endocrinologist Dr Dheeraj Kapoor at Kokilaben Dhirubhai Ambani Hospital and skin and hair treatment at Metamorphosis Clinic In between she made time for voice modulation training Next she hopes to see a doctor in Belgium for facial feminisation surgery a process of subtraction in which trans women have their masculine featuresmdashhairline jaw and browsmdashreduced and remodelledAnd with that Shinde admits it has taken a lot of professional help for ahandsome broadshouldered 62 feet tall man to become a womanMy genetic physiology may not eventually allow me to appear like adelicatewoman but I will be an out and proud woman nonetheless who will publicly wear makeup and heels Mala bhiti nahin aheyThe team behind SwapniltoSaishaDr Neha Shah psychiatristWe follow the WPATH The World Professional Association for Transgender Health guidelines that promote highest standards of health care of transsexual transgender and gender nonconforming individuals Its typically a slow process which entails sessions with the psychiatrist to decide if the trans client meets the criteria for gender dysphoriamdasha new term to replace the diagnostic term Gender Identity Disorder Our main role is to dispense information We provide various options for transition from a simple name change to full sex reassignment while talking them through the depression and anxiety Education around sexuality is wanting in India and ideally its at the school that we should be discussing this However the passing of Transgender Persons Protection of Rights Bill by the Indian government in 2019 has helped dispel some myths and change mindsetDr Dheeraj Kapoor headendocrinology Kokilaben Dhirubhai Ambani HospitalTrans clients who are interested in hormone replacement therapy HRT to transition from male to female are given two different sets of injectable and tablet medicationmdashfemale hormones and antimale hormones Its dangerous to buy hormone replacement medications off the internet A hormone specialist is the best person for prescribing and monitoring HRT doses Before the gender replacement surgery the doses tend to be high and reduce postoperation We saw two new clients every day before the pandemic and have worked on about 100 trans clients in total most of them aged 20 to 40 years Its heartening to see parents accompany clients it makes the process considerably smoother A significant shift towards awareness and acceptance has occurred in the last three years and its the media traditional and social thats played a big partMariya Jawrawala head of operations Metamorphosis ClinicWe work with trans clients in areas of permanent facial hair removal skincare body contouring and facial feminisation surgery FFS and they constitute about seven per cent of our overall customer base across Mumbai and Delhi We encourage hair removal prior to FFS for optimal results It is a slow process entailing a number of sittings along with counselling but most clients are in a hurry for quick results