How Instagram therapy-speak is ending relationships instead of mending it

Parth Khatau broke up with his best friend a few months ago You can say she broke up with him One day they were thick as thieves and the next she was filing a complaint against him with the dormitory dean ldquoI posted a picture on social media of us and a Mr Grumpy mug she had got me She said I had violated her personal spacerdquo says Khatau 29 who works in the merchandising department of Liverpool football club This wasnrsquot exactly the first instance though For Khatau his best friend in London had reacted unpredictably on a few occasions recentlyldquoIf I got friends over and we used the kitchen she would say I was not respecting her lsquoboundariesrsquo or hadnrsquot taken her lsquoconsentrsquo I was accused of lsquomisusing my authorityrsquo with herrdquoKhatau thinks that this terminology was not thanks to a fleshandblood therapist she may have been consulting it was more therapylike slang she was accessing online ldquoEventually she blocked me everywhere said she was better off without me By that logic isnrsquot everyone you know going to bring to the table something you donrsquot like Are we going to end all relationshipsrdquoParth Khatau Seema Rekhi and Meenakshi BhanjKhatau has been at the receiving end of what is now popularly known as ldquotherapyspeakrdquo In a 2021 article New Yorker writer Katy Weldman first used the term which is also called ldquoInstagram therapyrdquo and argued ldquoWe lsquojust want to namersquo a dynamic We joke about our coping mechanisms codependent relationships and avoidant attachment styles We practice selfcare and shun lsquotoxicrsquo acquaintances We project and decathect we are triggered we say wryly adding that we dislike the word we catastrophise ruminate press on the wound process We feel seen and we feel heard or we feel unseen and we feel unheard or we feel heard but not listened to not actively We diagnose and receive diagnoses OCD ADHD generalised anxiety disorder depressionrdquoWhat Feldman was trying to say was that online content consumers are no longer looking at therapists to make sense of their relationships and the challenges they naturally bring with them Instead they are relying on videos that tell them how to break up with friends who ldquodrain yourdquo or are ldquoenergy vampiresrdquo It could also be advice they receive in the form of an inspiring quote posted by an influencer motivation expert or lifestyle coach Consumers are increasingly internalising Instagram mental health speak and taking drastic actionThe social networking app has 235 billion followers worldwide with India alone having around 14 billion This means a lot of broken heartsSeema Rekhi cognitive behaviour al therapist and managing director at Gurugrambased Antarmanh says that she has been trying to raise awareness about the problem For her therapyspeak boils down to implementing ldquoquotes without contextrdquo ldquoThis is causing problems between not just lovers or friends but parents and children too Therapyspeak will say lsquotrust your teenagerrsquo but can they really be trusted Itrsquos easier to let go of your child as you convince yourself that you have found a solution in a quoterdquo Relationships need work and a therapist wonrsquot ask a client to cut off a engagement in order to sustain lsquoboundariesrsquo This writer who has recently faced a challenge with a close friendship knows this to be the truth Her therapist advised that she ldquofix your triggers and donrsquot take kneejerk reactions till six months into therapyrdquoldquoExactlyrdquo says Rekhi ldquoA therapist will ask you to know your triggers and the other personrsquos and behave accordingly Relationships require a lot of workmdashyou need to display empathy put your ego aside try and embrace anotherrsquos point of view Sometimes you must accept that you may have grown emotionally over time but the other person hasnrsquot This calls for greater empathy You cannot expect them to level up suddenly But because most people are reluctant to work on this social media advice seems handy to help them get out of a relationship and not face the big issuerdquoPoonam Singh 28 lives and works as a design professional in Ghaziabad She admits that it doesnrsquot take her too much effort to end a friendship ldquoMy childhood friends didnrsquot attend my wedding It made me realise that they donrsquot harbour space for me in their hearts I stopped talking to themrdquo And she admits that Instagram has helped her get through a tough day or two ldquoPosts show up and if I relate to them I take note I donrsquot feel like making space for any negativity in my life anymorerdquoWhat Singh is suggesting is what Instagram tells us to do every daymdashrdquodraw boundariesrdquo ldquoreject toxicityrdquo We do this without fully understanding what this means trivialising or magnifying the problem Are we then messing with the mental health conversation misinterpreting professional counselling language and turning an everyday niggle into an emotional catastropheWellness coach Meenakshi Bhanj says yes ldquoWhen people approach me they already have a vocabulary ready They think they are OCD or they have ADHD The days when we would have a discussion sifting through the problem and find a solution together are gonerdquo The extreme stress on mental health awareness may have its downside too ldquoPeople are not working on building emotional strength To use a term like depression casually is problematic A mood swing isnot depressionrdquo