It’s all about leaving your parents

At the peak of the first COVIDinduced lockdown Shubhra Singh put out a plea on Instagram She could draw an illustration for you for Rs 1000Rs 1500 a piece The 19yearold wanted to study Psychology which her father refused to pay for The fee was R6880 and she was keen to exit a toxic home environmentldquoIrsquove wanted to run away from home since I was in schoolrdquo says the Delhiresident ldquoMy dad has an unhealthy attachment to me He would shame isolate and manipulate me while my mother simply watched The only thing she would say is lsquoBe a girl be obedient Your father knows bestrdquoBy 16 Singh had begun cutting her wrists to get her parentsrsquo sympathy It didnrsquot work Then something changed in April 2020 She fell in love with a boy who pointed out that her living situation was not normal and encouraged her to opt for therapy She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder caused by a deeply traumatic childhood Its main definers are a deep sense of abandonment and impulsivity She also recognised that her father was a narcissistldquoHe couldnrsquot realise his dream of becoming an IAS officer and wanted me to pursue the samerdquo says Singh who goes by the handle Femitoonist on Instagram and Twitter ldquoI wanted to explore my options like any other teenagerrdquoThough our culture says so parents are not infallible and sometimes the best thing to do is to distance Zirak Marker a child adolescent and family psychiatrist and psychotherapist says ldquoOne in three or four of my clients have a toxic family member Ninety per cent of children battling anxiety have toxic parentsrdquoAnd these children are flying the coop earlier and asserting autonomy to the point of cutting off their parents or laying down nonnegotiable boundaries at the very leastldquoIn the last few yearsrdquo says Dr Alpes Panchal a psychiatrist and deaddiction specialist ldquomore and more teens and young adults are creating space between them and their parents In India we are held back by the thought lsquoWhat will everyone sayrsquo lsquoWill I be accepted by the rest of the family or peersrsquo because we are raised to be respectful and dutifulrdquoDelhibased illustrator Shubhra Singh 21 left home with just the clothes on her back and now works in customer service at Wipro to pay for rent and therapy She says ldquoMy dad has an unhealthy attachment to me He would shame isolate and manipulate me while my mother simply watchedrdquoTherersquos a profile to the toxic parent ldquoThey are usually narcissistic impulsive judgmental egocentric and selfcentricrdquo says Marker ldquoThey are highly reactive and critical everything is an existential crisis catastrophic They have unrealistic expectations of their children and constantly focus on the negatives They are unforgiving lsquoWe will never forgetrsquo they say They control their children using guilt and shame and lack the ability to put the child firstrdquoSamindara Sawant a psychologist and psychotherapist has a succinct way of putting it ldquoA good parent recognises that they are there for the children and not vice versa They donrsquot expect their emotional needs to be met by their childrenrdquo she says ldquoThere is conflict in every family but in a toxic unit there is a violation of boundaries and autonomy is not encouragedrdquo She too observes that the younger generation is able to recognise this dysfunction and voice it better due to awareness about mental healthA child with toxic parents usually has low selfconcept according to Marker ldquoThey have very poor solutionfinding and decisionmaking skills They lean on unhealthy and addictive coping mechanisms They are bad at maintaining relationships due to blunted emotional intelligence and resilience They have adjustment disordersrdquo agrees Panchal who is also the cofounder of The Freemind Initiative ldquoThey canrsquot cope with life situations Any change will drive them to sleeplessness and anxiety which can progress to depression and OCDsrdquo A pet professional we spoke to says she dissolves into anxiety whenever she comes home ldquoMessy environments make me anxious and I have to clean up Itrsquos an OCD My parents are messy people so slowly home to me has become my room I only get out to use the bathroom or kitchenrdquo says the 25yearold SoBo resident She faced mental emotional and physical abuse through childhood She realised this was out of the ordinary when she remembered an incident that took place when she was five years old ldquoI was staying with my grandparents and wet the bed at night something I was prone tordquo she says ldquoAs my grandmother was changing me my grandfather saw marks all over the back of my body They made me tell them how I got them and were livid They called my parents up in the middle of the night to fire them What could a fiveyearold do to deserve a beating When I got home my parents punished me againrdquoShubhra SinghToxic parents rely on secrecy and are very concerned about their reputation ldquoI was always told never to talk about things that went on in our homerdquo says the dog trainer A media professional was told to keep an even graver secret ldquoWhen I was 13 my birth parent she canrsquot bear to call her lsquomotherrsquo had an affair and forced me to lie about it to the familyrdquo says the middleaged person ldquoShe said they would judge her harshly because she is a woman while men do it all the time She said if I helped her it would mean I was mature I saw right through her but I kept my mouth shut because who would believe a 13yearold hormonal teenager who had recently lost her biological fatherrdquoldquoWhenever someone is homerdquo says the pet professional ldquomy mother sweetly asks how my day was as soon as I walk in If friends are over they go out of their way to be the perfect parentsrdquo Though estranged Singhrsquos parents get in touch with her whenever she posts something controversial in the familial sense on social media ldquoOnce they came over after one such post I had just cut my wristsrdquo says the 21yearold ldquoMy friends were also over and my parents felt the need to convince them that I was an ungrateful child who was causing them grief They didnrsquot even notice the blood on the floorrdquoThe children of toxic parents could have a great need to please their parents but the opposite is also possible with someone with a healthy selfconceptZirak Marker child adolescent and family psychiatrist and psychotherapist right Samindara Sawant psychologist and psychotherapistA journalistturnedsocial work student distanced herself from her parent organically ldquoThe relationship between my mother and I turned acrimonious when I was a teenager and coming into my ownrdquo says the 29yearold ldquoShe sought to control my behaviour choices relationship and careerrelated and my expression I managed to get my way in most aspects but only after bitter disagreements and fights My studies and career took me further away from my mother A muchsubdued version of the tugofwar continues even today and we have a relationship of conveniencerdquoSome like the media professional and social worker ldquoI realised she was manipulative when I was just 10rdquo are prescient about their situation For others it takes slow exposure to the outside world to think something is offldquoMy job requires me to go into peoplersquos homesrdquo says the pet professional ldquoThere I saw different kinds of relationships very unlike my own Once I was having dinner at my best friendrsquos house and her parents said something like We work hard and will continue to work hard so that you both my friend and her brother get the best I welled up and ran to the bathroom to cry I didnrsquot even realise why I was cryingrdquoIt took a few more years for her to realise her parents were not offering stability security safety and unconditional support in all aspectsmdashfinancial mental and emotionalThese young adults tend to have difficult relationships unless they consciously work to correct their pattern ldquoYou donrsquot know how to loverdquo says Singh ldquoYou settle for the bare minimum or a lsquofamiliarrsquo kind of love because that is the only one you know When you are on your own you seek love everywhere You want to create a familyrdquoThis is a predicament the pet professional knows too well ldquoI was dating this guy who had the most wonderful parents They were so good to me that I put up with their sonrsquos sh In fact they would tell me to do better than their sonrdquo she says She also dated a person who was the male version of her mothermdashangry abusive and prone to gas lightingShame and blocking financial independence are the commonest means parents use to control their children and ironically the children pursue financial independence first in a bid to be freeldquoMy toxic parent on whom I was financially dependent at the time refused to let me study for a profession of my choicerdquo says the media professional ldquoThatrsquos when I first felt the need to step away I finally left home within months of completing graduation and getting a full time jobrdquoOnce she built a kitty after selling her art Singh told her parents she would be leaving on a certain date ldquoWhen that date arrived I got up and got readyrdquo she says ldquoand all hell broke loose My brother locked up my room and would not allow me to take my things He laughed hysterically when I pleaded to be allowed to take my clothesMy mother wept and my father was indifferent Finally I left with just the clothes on my back and an earring box that was in the living room I stayed with my thenpartnerrsquos best friend for a few days and then with friendsrdquo Singh now works in customer service at Wipro to be able to pursue a Masters degree and ldquoafford years of therapyrdquoThe pet professional still lives with her parents but does not rely on them ldquoI started working early to have my own money It makes me very very happyrdquo she saysSlut shaming is also a preferred weapon of destruction ldquoAfter my first breakup at 19 I slipped into depressionrdquo says the SoBo resident ldquomy parents took care of me but after that whenever I did not do something my mother wanted me to she would say ldquoNo wonder he the exboyfriend left you You must have been sleeping aroundhelliprdquoThe media professionalrsquos mother both shamed and encouraged sexual behaviour ldquoShe would insist I wear pushup bras at age 12 and while fixing the straps insinuate that I was making myself pretty for boysrdquo she saysThe straw that broke Singhrsquos back was sexual in nature too ldquoI used my fatherrsquos laptop and forgot to log outrdquo she says ldquoHe read every email I have ever received or written and then stormed out and began shaming me lsquoHow many boys have you slept with How many times have you slept with this onehelliprsquo he said Thatrsquos when I seriously started to think about moving out to protect my personhoodrdquoSeparating from your parents grounding yourself in your life goals and setting healthy boundaries are what all mental health professionals prescribeldquoWe teach them to recognise their triggers and learn to politely disengage when they come uprdquo says Marker ldquoAfter you assert your boundaries two to three times the parents get itrdquoldquoYou get to choose how involved your parents get to be in your life decisionsrdquo says Sawant ldquoYou can hear them out but do what you think is best You can keep communication superficial and transactional and steer away from emotional minefields Recognise what you can do as duty a phonecall every few days so that you donrsquot feel pressured if your parents want you to call several times a day Ground yourself in what you want from life and build a support system that gives you what you wantrdquoldquoA psychiatrist friend Dr Jai Mehar Singh is like a father figure to me My closest friendsmdashAnamaya Jamwal and Shriya Poddarmdashare my family My partner and I just broke up but he was with me through this whole journeyrdquo says SinghThe media professional has cut their mother from their lives while the pet professional and social worker have found a working solution ldquoMy parents and I barely speak I work all day and animals are my solacerdquo say the dog trainer ldquoMy clients validate me effusively I still have to live with my parents but I donrsquot rely on them I donrsquot expect there will be food for me when I come home Every time they refuse to do something I figure out how to do it myselfrdquoThe win say mental health professionals is when you are devoted to changing this intergenerational pattern ldquoI think there are two kinds of parents Ones who have the lsquoYahoorsquo moment and recognise they are being just like their parents and change They go to make amends and become great grandparents even The other kind lacks selfawarenessrdquoSawant says growth is understanding your parents are trying to resolve their own traumas and not expecting them to understand you ldquoCutting off from the mother has a great emotional impact You must think about how you will feel when they die There can be a sense of unfinished business guilt and lack of closure which may need years of therapyrdquoAll four of the subjects we spoke to recognise that their parents are not intentionally cruel and are living out their generational trauma However they are determined that it ends there and they will not carry it furtherldquoYou may think you canrsquot live on your own or the world is hostilerdquo says Singh while parting ldquoBut believe me there are people to help you Someone offered me afridge just like that when I was setting up home If Imdashan introverted anxious depressed personmdashcan do it so can you Choosing your way to live leaves no regretsrdquo