What is fuelling the anger of Indian women in a society which suppresses it?

Are you angrier than before Do you identify as a womanrdquo said our call on social media ldquoYesrdquo ldquoDo I everrdquo ldquoI was just talking about this to my friend this morningrdquo came the responses quick and fast and have not stopped two days since the postAnger has been on a slow simmer at core of most ladies Indian or not and lately itrsquos boiled to a rage A poll by Gallup a global analytics and advice firm which looked at the issue of womenrsquos anger their worry stress and sadness found that women consistently feel these emotions more than men particularly in India According to the study 40 per cent Indian women are angry compared to 27 per cent of menPublic relations professional Fatema Khokhar has turned to painting pet therapy and reading to cope with her anger ldquoWhen you involve your mind in an activity you loverdquo she says ldquoit stops overthinking and obsessing over negative incidentsrdquo PicSatej ShindeBut what are women angry about Everything it turns out Urban living the wide canopy of patriarchy that includes double duty of home and office pay and respect parity at work living in dysfunction But most uniquely and significantly it is this The forbiddance to display anger the lack of vocabulary to express it healthily its nonrecognition and trivialisationWhat an outrageldquoI woke up angryhellip under a blanket of angerrdquo Nandhitha Hariharan tells us over the phone from Bengaluru ldquoOstensibly I have lsquonothingrsquo to get angry about My partner and I distribute domestic labour but I find myself bearing the mental load for the house and feeling guilty if I donrsquot strike off everything on my todo listrdquoThere is a comic strip by French cartoonist Emma that illustrates what this writer feels Women are viewed as managers of domestic labour carrying all the mental load while most yes yes lsquonot all menrsquo heterosexual men are implementersAlita Drsquosouza and Meenakshi Bhanj DeoUnequal division is not the reason behind Vrushali Ladrsquos anger but it was a contributor to her divorce ldquoIt was an unhappy marriagerdquo says the now 43yearold Borivli resident ldquoWe were completely incompatible and I freelanced most years of the relationship so the management of the home fell on me When you have not seen each other for days and issues are not cleared they snowballrdquoCare of children is also seen primarily as the womanrsquos job points out mental health professional Meenakshi Bhanj Deo Case in point is a couple who works in the same organisation with more or less the same responsibilities and job description Yet if the child falls ill the manrsquos mother is more likely to call his wife than her son to handle it ldquoItrsquos just not in our mental makeuprdquoNandhithaMatters are made worse by the forktongue of patriarchy That women are not supposed to get angry That there is nothing to get angry aboutThen therersquos the constant grooming ldquoWomen must maintain the peace at homerdquo ldquoThey are taught anger is not pleasing And when the volcano bursts itrsquos easily trivialised or labelled as lsquoMomzillarsquo lsquoBridezillarsquo lsquoHormonalrsquordquo says Bhanj Deo who is also an organisation development consultant ldquoWomen are not taught to be assertive and when they are popular culture dismisses itrdquoWhen anger is not recognised as a valid emotion no tools are granted or developed to modulate and express it healthily Feeling angry is not a concern for Fatema Khokhar ldquoAnger is an emotion like sadness or happinessrdquo says the public relations professional ldquoitrsquos not good or bad itrsquos the expression thatrsquosthe concernrdquoIt took a bit of a journey for the Yari Roadresident to own her emotions ldquoFifteen years ago I would have told myself lsquoYou shouldnrsquot get angryrsquohellip I did this a lot with my friends and family in my 20s keeping calm in turbulent situations being accommodativerdquo says the 33yearold And then she realised that she is allowed to feel emotion and express them She wanted to make her anger constructive and not harmful ldquoMy pentup emotions and tears were climbing up gradually and I sought the help of a therapistrdquoWith Lad too the building up of anger would result in an outburst which would seem disproportionate to the irritant ldquoWhen I have said something nine timesrdquo she says ldquoand yoursquove still not understood it the 10th time is going to be a flare uprdquo Since Ladrsquos marriage wasnrsquot adulterous or abusive people had much to say about the divorce ldquoThey would say lsquoBut why are you leaving such a nice guy He doesnrsquot hit you or cheat on yoursquordquo she recalls still enraged ldquoNo one asked him and I did check this with him lsquoWhy couldnrsquot you make it work with such a nice girlrsquo They also assumed that since I had initiated the separation I didnrsquot feel grief and didnrsquot need to be checked up onrdquoLad has always had a bit of a shortfuse She was thinshamed as a child and then chided for speaking back to her elders or getting angry about ldquosomething so trivialrdquo Lately shersquos lost friends colleagues and family members after she told them to ldquoMind your own businessrdquo when they asked intrusive questions ldquoI have realised that keeping it inside takes a toll on me I have felt resentful when I have not defended myselfrdquoSocial media has both educated women about the daily injustices but also lay naked the crudeness and hate of society in general ldquoYou have women talking about how hard motherhood isrdquo says Bhanj Deo ldquoOr having to work harder than the man in the cubicle next to you the pressures of caregivingmdashall of these are being normalisedrdquoNandhitha writes movie reviews from a feminist perspective online And sometimes she becomes the target of collective hate or derision ldquoBecause the identity can be masked online the quality of the anger is rawrdquo she says A metropolis like Mumbai has environmental stressors that always keep you on edge For Alita Drsquosouza this was starker on her return from Dubai after working there a few years ldquoI came back because I was homesickrdquo she says ldquoBut I canrsquot take the train the rudeness the loud noises the pollution and the traffic I feel like I am always angry I have a cough that has not gone in two weeks despite medicationrdquo Even though she has to commute from her home in Malad to her office in Bandra only once a week the PR professional has to go to different parts of the city for client meets which exhausts her ldquoI recently joined a gym just to work on my temperrdquoShersquos also frustrated that she sometimes does not have the language to express her frustration ldquodespite being a communications professionalrdquoHow can you develop a vocabulary for an emotion you are not supposed to feelThen there are the invisible violations only a woman can see Nandhitha was at a train station in Goa standing on the platform with her dog A drunk man tottered close to her asking seemingly innocent questions about her dog and the arriving train ldquoI raged at him disproportionatelyrdquo she says ldquoAnd I am not a person who likes to draw attention to herself The whole station was looking at me and my partner also wondered what happenedrdquoThe man had invaded her personal space and her reaction came with the force of all the times men violate women in public spaces and women are too scared to respondBeing the casualty of mental illness and the silence that surrounds it drives this 28yearold to rage ldquoMy mother has severe depression anxiety OCD and temper issues and she refuses to acknowledge or take medication for itrdquo says the canine behaviourist and animal rescuer ldquoAnd it spills over to our life to such an extent that we are restricted and controlled by it I cannot call anyone home because I donrsquot want to explain my situation and instead I cut tiesrdquoShe attempted to die by suicide in 2012 out of frustration that she could not escape her house She had another massive breakdown two months ago which bordered on selfharmmdashldquoI got overwhelmed to the point of being violent to myselfrdquo says the Andheri resident ldquoI slammed my hand on the table to stop whatever was disturbing me My motherrsquos activities reached a point where I could no longer cope with the dysfunctionality of the household I was trying to make her realise that we as a family are going through many things due to her I had to reveal to her that I am seeking help for thisrdquoThe pressure of living in dysfunctionality is also that one cannot reveal it ldquoMy father does not know we have frequent outbursts because we cover it up and hersquos at work usually we donrsquot mention these to himrdquoWhile the young woman still has an episode at least once a day in her house she has learnt to control her temper outside ldquoIt has cost me a job when I blew up at a seniorrdquo she says ldquoIrsquove had to repeat a year in college because I lost my temper at my internship incharge I feel this anger has built up since childhood but I never let it out until I started working and became more vocal and expressiverdquoWith a background in psychology she was quick in seeking help to cope with an environment she could not escape A good amount of work has been put into being aware when rage is rising acknowledging it and diverting it into a productive activityJournalling has also helped her as it has Khokhar who also turned to painting pet therapy and reading ldquoWhen you involve your mind in an activity you loverdquo she says ldquoit stops overthinking and obsessing over negative incidentsrdquoBhanj Deo says that moodmapping having a safe space to regulate your feelings being aware of triggers and bodily reactions are all tools one can develop ldquobut the core solution is knowing who you are and what you wantrdquo ldquoWomen are groomed into marriage children careers and homemaking And if thatrsquos what they want they are ready for the challenges that come with it But if they donrsquot know who they are and this predecided life does not fit them they move through life with low simmering rage on a slow boilrdquo