Women have no problem bearing their heart. Girlfriends, colleagues, sister, hairdresser, anyone's good. At least, that's what the guys think. But whose door do the dudes knock on when love hurts? Anjana Vaswani barged into access-denied territory to find out
Women have no problem bearing their heart. Girlfriends, colleagues, sister, hairdresser, anyone's good. At least, that's what the guys think. But whose door do the dudes knock on when love hurts? Anjana Vaswani barged into access-denied territory to find out
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Over a hundred years ago, Henry Youngman, a Major League baseball player for the Pittsburg Alleghenys, presented a solution to all long-term relationship problems. He said, "People ask us the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week a little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
While Rawal understands the importance of space and boundaries in a relationship, she says often, relationship issues can be resolved by employing simple tools of honesty, effective communication and compromise. "Both individuals need to be fully committed towards resolving the issue, confront the problem, and seriously work towards finding a mutually-acceptable solution."
Men internalise their problems
Chastity Fernandes, sex expert and columnist with an international men's magazine, agrees with Rawal. The tendency to internalise their feelings, causes relationship problems for most men. Their inability to communicate is thanks to social conditioning or the fear that their partners will be unresponsive.
Ego interferes when confiding in guys
Suddenly, men have begun to love the anonymity that various media offer them, while seeking love advice. Late night radio is a hit with confused, if not spurned lovers. Radio City 91.1 FM's Love Guru has counselled men from various age, economic and social groups. Experience has revealed that relationship conflicts for teenage boys often stem from peer pressure. "Young lovers must understand that chemistry is crucial, as is mutual understanding, and that you must get to know the other before declaring your love." Love Guru, who's on contract to keep his identity a secret, admits to never having encountered a listener who has had a confidante.
If there was one, callers wouldn't bother dialling the love line, he says. "For a man, his ego comes in the way if he has to admit to another guy that he's facing love issues. They are more comfortable pouring their heart out to girls. Confiding in someone is like stripping; it takes a lot of courage, and most men can't muster it."u00a0
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What are sisters for!
Gautam Vaswani, 22, entrepreneur and resident of Colaba, is the youngest of five siblings and the only "boy" in the family. Gautam is grateful for the advice he receives from his sisters, but it's only what Bhavna, ten years his senior, spouts, that he takes seriously. "Bindu, my eldest sister, is 16 years older than I am; so, we don't have much of a connection," Gautam says, explaining that Manju (Simran's maiden name) and Resham are his favourite counsellors.
While in her presence, Gautam waxes eloquent about the advantage of having ample access to female perspective, Simran's momentary absence from the room affords him a chance to share his real agenda. "Of course, I take their advice, and they are very important to me, but the real reason I approach them is because, what I share with them tends to travel to my dad. On hearing them out, he grows more receptive to my take on the issue. And that gives me an edge," Gautam smiles.
Ex-girlfriend knows best
Neil Patel, 24, is a dentist we caught up with at a South Mumbai pub. Neil (in blue shirt) swears by his ex-girlfriend's advice. "She knows exactly where I went wrong with her, so, when I have a relationship problem, she is the best person to approach for advice. She knows my failings, and is honest enough to point them out."
Inside the mind of a man
She offers a glimpse into the male psyche
Dr Nivedita Rawal Psychotherapist
Like women, most men (there are a few exceptions) want a trustworthy, secure, and emotionally-stable relationship. Most men look for women who are attractive, confident, challenging and secure. A man's earlier attachments and experiences with his mother and other significant women in his life, as well as social and cultural influences, impact his perception of how he deals with his current relationships.
Movies like Hitch are glamorous, but weave fantasy into reality. There are no fixed formulae that can help men win the approval of women they fancy. My experience has revealed that even the most confident men fumble when it comes to "making a move".
Often, a man is guided by tips passed on from his father, or heeds advice that goes around among the male fraternity. But tips rarely work, since each one's reality is unique.
Men who are looking for fulfilling relationships prefer women who they are attracted to on a physical as well as emotional level. These guys adopt a different approach when dealing with relationships. They value fidelity, commitment, transparency and reciprocity. They are usually willing to give and receive these in equal measure.
Who gives me love advice:
6 men spill the beans
Pawan Manglani, 23, Fashion photographer
I wouldn't approach a guy for advice on relationships. I'd go to a female friend. Girls are easier to talk to, and they obviously have a better understanding of female perspective. Guys are too impatient to hear you out, before they can offer any advice.
Ashmit Patel, Actor
I don't approach anyone. No one really knows the intricacies of your relationship, and what your true feelings are. I have a close friend, Sanjeev, who is based in Canada. I consult him occasionally, but not necessarily on relationship issues.
Anshul Chopra, 25, Entrepreneur
When I was single and dating, I approached friends when I was in a spot. Now that I am married, I'm uncomfortable doing that. Relationship problems should stay between a husband and wife.
Shabbir Rawjee, 44, Entrepreneur
I turn to a very close female friend for any sort of personal advice I need. She's stable, mature and understanding, and that leaves me reassured because I know that what she says is well thought out.
Chetan Hansraj, Actor
I have a few close male buddies, and we often end up discussing our relationship problems. No one understands what really goes on in a woman's mind, but at least, I trust these guys to give me their honest opinion.
Mohit Suri, Bollywood Director
Approaching someone for relationship advice is the worst thing a guy can do. It has always backfired on me, so, I prefer working through problems on my own.
Mid Day asked its readers
Who do you turn to for relationship advice?
Here's what they said
Male buddiesu00a0 33%
Male colleagues 9%
Female colleagues 49%
Parents 9%
Across Mumbai, Delhi, Pune and Bangalore
I am my own consultant says Jerry Pinto, Author of Surviving Women (Penguin India)
Men can and should act as their own counsel. "The advantage of being born under the sun sign Gemini, is that I don't need to look far for someone who can give me good advice. When I need advice, I ask myself how I would advise someone else in my situation," he says.
Through this exercise, "most of the time the answer leaps out at you, but it's probably not what you want to hear she won't take your calls because she's not interested in you; she didn't remember your birthday because she doesn't care; she loves someone else." But while he believes that confronting an issue is often easier to do when it is treated like someone else's problem, he admits, "Like most good advice, I must confess, the advice I give myself, often goes unheeded. Still, I have found myself to be a reliable consultant in matters of the heart."
Men are in dire need of external relationship counselling
Say women we spoke to. They were more than glad to offer tips:
Perizaad Zorabian Irani, Actor
Express yourself
Men aren't vocal about their love or appreciation, and often, that's all a woman really needs. If they were just a little more expressive, and indulged in commenting on even the most obvious stuff, it would go a long way in making a relationship work.
Naheed Divecha 36, Sports enthusiast and homemaker
Offer unconditional support
Never take a girl for granted. Make sure you show her how you feel through little things you do, and that doesn't have to mean buying her expensive gifts. Let her know she has your support, no matter what choices
she makes.
Gytri Narang, 30, Jewellery-designer
Give her space
Women enjoy being pampered, and fussed over. While they love being the centre of attention, they also need their share of space. The trick is to find the right balance.
Sarah Jane Dias, Model
Listen to her
Listen! That's all a woman needs; someone who will listen to what she has to say about how
she feels.
Amrita Arora, Actor
Be interested in her life
Men need to be honest and faithful. And it would make a woman feel very special and wanted, if he took an interest in whatever was going on in her life.
Who should men turn to?
Turn to your sister when... you need help with what to wear on a date, or what to gift your partner.
But not whenu2026 you need help with a household-related problem like whether to hire a full-time maid or a part-time cook. And definitely not when you need to complain about your girlfriend, especially if you are hoping this relationship turns into something long-term.
Why? If this woman is the one you tie the knot with, the last thing you want is to have your family view her in a light defined by something you said in a fleeting moment of rage.
Turn to your BUDDY when... you need to blow off steam or complain about the in-laws.
But not when... you need real advice on anything that actually matters. Do not ask friends how to go about scoring points with your girl, and never draw them in to resolve a fight between the two of you.
Why? Men tend to generalise relationship problems based on what they have seen in movies or read in a trashy novel. In the real world, issues need to be tackled with maturity.
Turn to an Agony Aunt when... you need relationship advice but also have issues with opening up to people, or if you need information on basic, health-related issues. Make sure the expert has appropriate qualifications. You can do this by addressing a query to the
editor of the publication.
But not when... you feel are so caught up in a problem that it pushes you into depression. When faced with serious issues like violence and abuse, seek guidance from a professional, trained psychotherapist or
psychiatrist.
Why? When a relationship problem starts affecting you enough to literally lose sleep over it, you might need private therapy.
Turn to a female friend when... you need to bare your soul or need guidelines on how to meet your partner's emotional needs.
But not when... the issue is one that your partner would prefer to keep between the two of you.
Why? If it were to ever emerge that you shared details of a private and sensitive issue with an outsider, especially with another woman, your partner will not be particularly forgiving.
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