Am in a marriage gone bad. Now in love with a buddy!

Dear Diana,

Illustration/ Sameer Pawar

I have been married 14 years and have been in an affair for four years. My husband and I have four children together, Our relationship has never really run smoothly. He is jealous and sometimes possevive and argumentative. He shouts a lot and can say some really nasty things. I don't think I love him any more, but i put up with it because its far easier than walking away. My problem is: there is this guy, a friend to my husband and me. He is kind, sweet and funny and I have feelings for him. I think about him most days and worry when he is ill. We talk most days although I have never told anyone how I feel. My friends think that he likes me but I don't wanna risk losing a real friend if I say anything. Now my relationship with my husband is somewhat difficult but I usually still allow him to have sex (I feel as his wife, it would be unfair not to). Normally, I don't even care about the sex but for the last couple of times I feel dirty and disgusted with myself. I do care for my husband regardless of how awful he can be. He has, after all, given me four lovely kids but I worry I am being unfair to him by pretending how things are right now (I think he knows I like our friend). I think he probably deserves a lot better, so my question is: Do you think that I am making a huge mistake carrying this on or do you think it's for the best?

Name withheld