Relationships, commitment, marriage, babies, TV remote fights... think again this V-Day

Relationships, commitment, marriage, babies, TV remote fights... think again this V-Day

Single readers will be sick of all this couple rubbish. Couples, well, relish your smugness: there are 364 days in a year that aren't Valentine's Day to deal with.

Relationships are complicated. Perhaps the best Valentine's treat for a woman is for your partner to stop being an emotional retard for a day (boys, that's what we straight males tend to be, unless you are a ballet dancer in touch with your feminine side and even then you're still probably less emotionally intelligent than your beloved).
Partnership requires being receptive. This is why men find relationships so difficult. We are not receptive to ourselves. We say things like:

"I'm not sure I can commit." This means: "I AM sure I am emotionally retarded. I like sex but being emotionally involved with another human being scares the wits out of me.

Also, I don't know what my mother would say. How would she react if she thought I've actually found my life-partner? What would become of her?" The answer, of course, is that mummy dear will move in soon after you've married.

"I'd like to have babies, one day." This means: "I do not want to have children but do enjoy sex." For the 'one' day to arrive, a host of boxes need ticking, such as: "Buy farm in the south of France; become ruler of Namibia; build own island off coast of Dubai in shape of love-heart." Naturally, none of this will happen, so feel free to run away.

"Let's not talk about this now, I have to focus on work." This means I do like sex but don't want to talk to you now or indeed in the future because I have a presentation to make on Monday and need to conserve all my sexual energy, like a boxer. "But what about sex?" you say. Well, "that uses surprisingly little sexual energy. It's the talking that is the killer."

"It's all about you, isn't it?" This means, of course, "It's all about ME". Men are princesses deep down who need a great deal of attention and reassurance. It's often better to swallow your pride and let silence trigger a degree of self-reflection and neurosis (for it will).

Alternatively, you could call him a stupid attention-seeking drama queen who screams when she doesn't get her own way. (Few things annoy a man more than being called a princess. Oh, and we hate being called a child.)

"I'm watching the cricket." This means what it says. When men watch sport you don't matter. It's temporary though. You may like cricket, too, in which case no problem. But watching a team lose is one of the few occasions when it's OK for men to show emotion and cry, and you can't deny them that.

Where does love come into all this? According to Plato, there are two main types of love, the physical and the heavenly. The love men feel for cricket and other sports is usually the latter. As for our partners, well, it's up to you to judge how heavenly the pink lingerie he's bought you is. Valentine's Day is, after all, about the love of consumption. We're no longer poets, we're consumers. Love is a pair of Jimmy Choos.

In his book The Fisher King And The Handles Maiden, Robert A Johnson writes (in a quote I found on the Internet): "Sanskrit has 96 words for love; ancient Persian has 80, Greek three, and English only one. This is indicative of the poverty of awareness or emphasis that we give to that tremendously important realm of feeling.

Eskimos have 30 words for snow, because it is a life and death matter to them to have exact information about the element they live with so intimately. If we had a vocabulary of 30 words for love... we would immediately be richer and more intelligent in this human element so close to our heart. An Eskimo probably would die of clumsiness if he had only one word for snow; we are close to dying of loneliness because we have only one word for love."

With this in mind, I'm having a candlelit dinner tonight with myself. If we get on, I'll invite myself home but will make myself sleep on the sofa in case I get the wrong idea.