So, dear reader, you remember Lobo Lobo, my cable operator?
Illustration/Uday Mohite
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So, dear reader, you remember Lobo Lobo, my cable operator?
Well, he came over the day the MET guys said it would be bright sunshine, standing like a wet rag on my doorstep.
"What men bloody, dose wedder chappies predict one ting and den the heavens open up and dere's blindng rain in de whole of Mumbai. It is like a toofan… I call it our Cyclone Katrina Kaif," said Lobo Lobo, attempting humour.
"Men! I'm tired of de railway systems in our bleddy city. Blinking tracks are flooded all de way to Vashi, men. I know now why dey call it the Harbour Line… the tracks are always submerged wid water," Theo Lobo's second attempt at humour clearly funnier than the first.
"In fact, Vashi to town took as long as going from Ahmedabad to Mumbai!"
"Do you mean Ahmedabad to Mumbai in the Shatabdi Express or the new Bullet Train?" I enquired, realising it was the worst question to ask of a man, who had virtually swum from Vashi to VT.
"See Mr Rahul, you are getting me bald ragged. Please, I would like to ask Modiji, what is de point of a Bullet train between Ahmedabad and Mumbai, when I can't get properly from Vashi to VT? Plus, every road has been so badly dug up to accommodate the underground metro, dat soon who'll need cars to travel? Everybody will be under de ground — R90,000 crores we'll just gift to de Japs, men? Only dose Gujju neighbours of mine will take dis high speed train — you know dem, men, Bhupeshbhai, Rupeshbhai, Kalpeshbhai, Jigeshbhai and dere mudder, Kokila Goradia. Dey own many big big Farsan stores in Vashi and Kalyan. De franchise is named 'Lucky and Plucky Farsan Stores'. Dey and dere families regularly go to and fro between Gujarat and Mumbai in de Shatadbdi Express. Dey have a regular system, Jiggybhai told me, "Dey occupy de full compartment, den from Mumbai Central to Vapi dey play cards, Rummy. From Vapi to Surat dey eat snacks — theplas, dhoklas and fafdas. From Surat to Baroda they engage in Antakhshari, and finally till Ahmedabad dey eat aloo shaak and parathas."
"See bossie, I want to tell dat Abe fellow from Japan, I need many, many Bullet Trains. One must ply between my house in Vashi, where my wife Blossom blinking chews my brain, to my office in Bhuleshar. And den, I want one between Vashi and Mapuca, Goa. Dat journey should be two hours so I can have one-two pegs and my prawn curry rice men, aaram se, chhe!"
Lobo Lobo, wasn't finished, "I want to ask Modiji one last question — "What happens if the tracks get flooded with 100 mm of rain — will his Bullet train still take only four hours den? Or will it take three hours forty minutes to get from Ahmedabad to Borivli. And then from Borivli to Bandra Kurla Complex it will take another four hours ten minutes. So Ahmedabad to Mumbai will still take seven hours fifty minutes!"
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com
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