A few big things about small talk

I can remember when if you wanted to talk to someone you did You would pick up the phone dial the number and say ldquoHey friend long time no speakrdquo You could count on them to pick up the call and yoursquod both have a nice old chinwagIf they were in a different country then one of you might be paying steep STD charges and the chat might end rather abruptly with ldquoOk gotta go This thing is getting too costly now You take carerdquoAll that changed in February 2009 when an application with the truly infantile name of WhatsApp burst on the scene In 15 years it has changed the etiquette and modalities of human communication Nowadays you must first text a person for permission to call them because God knows what they might be in the thick of Busy Got a moment Quick call Quick question Please call when able After all your intention is small talk not coitus interruptusThe person yoursquore calling meanwhile has various strategies for declining He can turn off Read Receipts those little check marks that tell you your message has been seen even if not read Or they can claim that Truecaller didnrsquot recognise you and filtered out your messageEven if the call is picked up there are devilish ways to end it Feigning inaudibility is the most common You say Hello a few times followed by shouting I can hear you fine Can you hear me and muttering How I hate WhatsApp and shouting again Irsquom in a dead zone Call I call you laterOver these WhatsApp years wersquove also realised something dismal about ourselves Most human conversations just suck They start pointlessly meander long after theyrsquove said what they needed to and struggle to endldquoYou may not have the vocabulary to shut down the conversation without feeling that yoursquore going to be rude so you endure listening to other people far longer than yoursquod actually want tordquo writes Robert Feldman the author of The Liar in Your Life The Way to Truthful RelationshipsOne reason people end up with the conversational equivalent of chopped liver he says is that they find it nearly impossible to simultaneously be honest and be considered polite while ending a conversationIn WhatsApp though you donrsquot need a beginning or an ending You can start abruptly with the main pointmdashBought onionsmdashand you end without goodbyes Donrsquot forget khakras No unnecessary wordsI recently found myself on at Dadar station trying to figure out on which platform I should wait for a Churchgatebound train I turned to a tiredlooking middleaged man standing near me and said ldquoExcuse me I need to go to ChurchgaterdquoWithout waiting for my question he said ldquoCross over to that platform Not this next one but the one after thatrdquoI set off at once but he had more to say ldquoIf you want Fast go this other side next platform not that siderdquo he called out after meI wanted Fast and sprinted up the stairs Then I realised he was now following me pretending not to ldquoTake right Fast is betterrdquo he urged meOn the platform still close behind me he said ldquoWait here Train will comerdquo Then he was gone without waiting for gratitudeIt was a brilliant conversation as succinct as you can get outside WhatsApp Not an extra word in it and no tension about how to terminate itMany find it necessary to put the blame on some situation beyond their controlmdasha Zoom call a meeting a visit to a dying relative a dentist appointment an urgent incoming callmdashto end the conversation politely To Feldman itrsquos ridiculous to consider that you should even need a valid reason for ending it as though an ideal conversation would go on foreverldquoVery few people are hurt when a conversation endsrdquo says Alison Brooks a Harvard professor who teaches conversational skillsProbably there is no conversationstopper as egregious as ldquoIrsquoll let you gordquo Itrsquos a Jedi mind game that makes it look like the other person not you is impatient to end the banter You come out shining as a thoughtful friend regretfully going along though yoursquod like to patter on endlesslyAt a Vipassana meditation course attendees must commit to ten days of silence No speaking is allowed Combined with the intense focus on meditation you enter a placid introspective and reflective state Your metabolic efficiency increases your breath becomes steady and your lungs process every bit oxygen that goes inEverything slows down your nails and hair hardly grow Except for the onehour evening discourse on meditation you donrsquot hear a single spoken wordHowever when the rules are lifted on the last day unfettered pandemonium breaks loose as voices repressed too long are set free and begin jabbering like Mumbai cars honking pointlessly at an intersection No one is listening to anyone else and no one will remember anything laterItrsquos a moment of epiphany when you realise that mankindrsquos problem is not how to end a conversation but why even start it in the first placeYou can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopigmailcomSend your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paper