“It’s not for you, chhe boss, your neighbour Hathiramani needs it, I’m going up to de terrace to fix de ting. I tought I wuld look in and say hi to you men.”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo, my cable operator came over the other day, carrying a medium-sized dish antenna.
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“Dikuna men…hi,” he said
“Lobo Lobo, what’s up? I don’t need a new satellite dish.”
“It’s not for you, chhe boss, your neighbour Hathiramani needs it, I’m going up to de terrace to fix de ting. I tought I wuld look in and say hi to you men.”
With that, Lobo Lobo bade a quick goodbye and left my premises. My curiosity got the better of me, I followed him up to the terrace.
Lobo Lobo was engaged in a volatile conversation on a walkie talkie-cum-satellite phone.
“Come in eh men bugger, chopper guy. Hey Mr Helicopter pilot...rascal…dis is Teo Lobo...uh sorry my Code Name is LION…lion not line! You have bhoosa in your ears or wot? I am LION LION men…roarrrrrrrr...lord of the jungle…got it…haan. Code name LION, tell my boss, Lion Zinda hai!”
And then suddenly Lobo Lobo saw me from the corner of his eye.
“Dikuna men. I wish you had not come up uff, chhe, now I’ll have to kill you. Just joking ah men.”
“Lobo Lobo, I thought you were a simple cable operator. What is all this?” I enquired, quite stunned.
Lobo Lobo took a deep breath. “You see Dikuna men, I lead a double life.”
“Double life! What kind of double life?,” I asked, astonished.
“Okay might as well tell you de trut. You will be de only person who knows ok, so keep your gob shut, hah. See, my cable TV technician job is a front, men—I am also a super spy, working undercover. I’m assigned to many special government task forces!” Lobo Lobo aka Lion announced.
“What are your missions? Is it preventing terrorists, bomb attacks, what does your undercover work entail, Lobo Lobo?” I asked, fascinated that my friendly cable operator was actually a secret agent.
“Does your family know?” I probed.
“My Myrtle has no clue or dat duffer Ronaldo or my daughter Hyacinth. Dey tink I have a simple job repairing dish antennas and fixing people’s cables so dey can get Star Sports and Star Sports HD?”
“So Lobo Lobo…uh, Lion Lion..uh…what is your latest assignment?”
“See men de new enemy is de latest version of Covid-19…you know dis deadly ting, Black Fungus, it’s like de Thanos in Avengers, it has many mutations, in China, dey are developing a Red Fungus, also known as Operation Chicken Lollypop. Den my latest mission is to go to Pakistan and gusso into INZI UL HAQ.”
“Inzi Ul Haq, what’s that? Isn’t that a Pakistani batsman?” I asked.
“No no men, ‘Inzi Ul Haq’, stands for ‘International Zindabad United League Headquarters’. I have to stop dem making de Green Fungus…see de Pakistani bowlers made de cricket ball reverse swing na.
Here, dey are making de Green Fungus dat has a reverse entry. It does not enter de body via de nose, but comes in trough de toes.”
“But Lion Lion, you have not told me what you’re own organisation is called?”
“See Dikuna men, it’s a special cell called SHUT UP….Survellince (for) Hindustan Under Threat Under Peril”
Just then, Lobo Lobo received a call, a voiced barked at him, he stood to attention.
“Yes, yes, yes, immediately,” he said terrified into the phone
“See you men Dikuna, I’m going back to meet de Home Minister,” he said to me hurriedly.
“Oh wow, you’re going to Delhi to meet him?”
“No men, back to Virar to meet my Home Minister, Myrtle. She’s making poke vindaloo today men, and I forgot to buy de poke.”
A helicopter then sent down its ladder and Lobo Lobo aka Lion Lion disappeared into the sunset.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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