“Dikuna men, I’m fully fed up with this COVID Shovid ting, I’m bored ya…how much longer, chhe!”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo came over, a trifle distraught, carrying a suitcase.
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“Dikuna men, I’m fully fed up with this COVID Shovid ting, I’m bored ya…how much longer, chhe!”
“Yes Lobo Lobo, I agree, it is a tad extended this pandemic.”
“Wot wot bunkus you tok, ‘tad extended’ is an understatement! And now dere is a tird wave coming up. Wot tird wave means?”
“It means…”, I began.
“Also, I’m fully confused by all dese big big words, everyting, diseases, medicines have got over ten syllables chhe? Why not dey use simple words, men?”
“What do you mean, Lobo Lobo?” I enquired.
“Arre, what happened to simple names like Crocin. Now it’s Fabiflu Favipiravr. Den dat udder one, whachyoucall, men, arrey …haan, ‘Remdesivir’. Remdesivir sounds like a godman who tinks allopathy is all bunkus. And dat udder one, dat sounds like a Egyptian ruler, aaah Tocilzumab. Den look at dese diseases, every day COVID is creating new new ones—dis Mucormycosis, damn long men! Arre bossie, just dis last week, dere in de papers dey found a new tongue twister men, sumting called ‘Asper...aspergi’.”
“Aspergillosis,” I said helpfully.
“Yes men, Aspergillosis sounds like a blinking pasta. Arre my blinking rascal son, Ronaldo, bugger tinks he is a master chef, Indian Jamie Oliver. Arrey when he cooks, Myrtle and I have to secretly order pizza for ourselves, he uses all dese words, dese hi fi dishes, Concilli, Ravioli, Fusilli, Rigatoni. Next, he’ll have Aspergilli. Mad it is,” Lobo Lobo said, muttering to himself.
“You’ve heard of a vaccine called ‘QueueMeinKyun’?” I asked.
“No men, QueueMeinKyun,” Lobo Lobo stopped and then the penny dropped.
“Ahahaha Dikuna men, you are being very much humorous men. QueueMeinKyun...ha ha good joke you’ve cracked! Dikuna men, let me aks you, you’ve heard of Vaccinoscene?”
I told him that I hadn’t.
“Arre men, simple, Vaccionoscene is going to the vaccine centre, waiting three hours for your jab, and finally being told that they’ve run out of doses…so Vaccinoscene! Got it?” said Lobo Lobo, rolling on the floor at his own joke.
“Anyway, tell me Lobo Lobo, where are you headed with that suitcase?”
“Dikuna men, I’m planning a visit to the ‘Central VistaVisaVirusVax’ Project. You’ve heard of it, na?”
“I haven’t actually, what is it?”
“Arrey bossie, dis is a giant building wid twenty different rooms—in each room dere are separate separate counters for different needs. So rooms one to ten, dese are all for vaccine shots—for different ages, like two big rooms for babies between six months and one year, den tree rooms for 18-45, then 50-60, of course 60+, five rooms for Covaxin, five for Covishield, den dere are separate rooms for visas. Dere is a counter for extradition from UK for Mehul Choksi, Nirav Modi and Vijay Mallya, dere is a counter for the Sputnik shot, dey give you a Russian visa complimentary, dere is a room where you get a Twitter account with Toolkits trown in, dere is a counter to take your shot for immunity before seeing movie Radhe. Dere is also a special counter called UAE 21, to purchase tickets to watch remainder of IPL widin de bio bubble.”
“That’s quite an array of services the Central VistaVisaVirusVax offers!”
“And dere’s a last room, Dikuna men, in dat room dey teach you a special art. The room is called The Croc Room.”
“Wow, sounds mysterious! What do they teach you in The Croc Room, Lobo Lobo?”
“They teach you how to cry with crocodile tears,” Lobo Lobo concluded.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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