Jism: The bright side of undesired

In a time long long ago when cable television came in and beamed the American soap opera The Bold and The Beautiful into our living rooms what left most hormonal teenagers aghast is how everyone was ldquoalways in the mood for romancerdquo Count the amount of times per episode two people exchange bodily fluids in Greyrsquos Anatomy which has been running for 20 seasons Itrsquos an overriding theme in the overculture You are successful desirable universally liked and allround happy if you are ldquogetting somerdquo all the timeVirility and the ability to be able to express it with consent is hyped up so that one can sell things to those feeling low for not hooking up thrice a day after mealtimes Those with a natural ebb and flow of the libido Insecurity is great for the economyYou can sell them an expensive watch and a large car which will get them noticed which will need an expensive dress and handbag of course And yoursquoll need a gym membership to look good in those Yoursquore taking Pilates no Have you bought the kit for itNeha Bhat right Tanvi Mallya neuropsychologistIn these hypersexual times many individuals are abstaining out of choice not for moral or religious reasons nor as a sideeffect of an illness or asexuality Theyrsquore just saying ldquoNo thanksrdquo or ldquonot nowrdquoAn IT professional in her early 40s who has been celibate for more than seven years finds it hard to be physically intimate outside of a formal relationship ldquoI was initially an emotional wreck after my marriage endedrdquo she says ldquoAt first I didnrsquot want to be close with anyone Later a voice maybe my upbringing told me I was wrong to be with someone elserdquoNeha Bhat who goes by the moniker Indian Sex Therapist on Instagram says ldquoWe are living in a shapeshifting culture between newer and older India Therersquos a lot of strife and chaos and mixed intergenerational values So confusion about who we are and who we want to be manifests in our sexual and psychological livesrdquo Celibacy says the author of the book Unashamed Notes from the Diary of a Sex Therapist can be one of those very powerful points of sexual fluidity that people choose for themselvesldquoIn Indiardquo adds Tanvi Mallya a neuropsychologist who specialises in working with adults 50 years and above ldquotraditional values often coexist with modern perspectives and sexual abstinence can reflect a blend of individual and societal considerations Some might choose it after a significant life event Psychological reasons such as the desire for emotional healing selfreflection or the need to establish a stronger sense of self before engaging in intimate relationships again also come into playrdquoLike many people we spoke to an animal welfare worker in her late 30s says the period of celibacy of about three years after her divorce helped her recalibrate who she was and what she wanted ldquoI married my childhood sweetheartrdquo she says ldquowith whom I had been since I was 15 He was my first everythingmdashboyfriend kiss and sexual partner It felt sanctioned After my divorce at 32 I had to reacquaint myself with what I liked what my physical needs are and what my rules for sexual engagement would berdquoThis introspection and selfknowledge simmered underneath a dominant culture which told her to get on a hookup app be open to strangers while travelling and have onenightstands with men whose relationship status was unknown ldquoEveryone kept pushing merdquo she says amused ldquoto go out and have lsquofunrsquo as a panacea I tried it a bit but I felt like I was numbing my emotionsrdquoIt got a bit more confusing for her as dating rules had changed from the last time she was singlemdashwhich was when she wasnrsquot even technically an adult This new permissive no strings attached and casual landscape was disorienting and she wanted time to make a map for herselfldquoToday where casual relationships and quick connections are often facilitated by technologyrdquo explains Mallya who is visiting faculty at St Xavierrsquos college lsquosome people may choose celibacy to counterbalance the fastpaced often superficial nature of modern dating The prevalence of situationships might raise questions about the depth and meaning of these interactions prompting a desire to step back and reevaluate the approach to relationships For others the overwhelming availability of sexual opportunities might lead to a sense of burnout or disillusionment making celibacy a necessary retreatrdquoAuthorVasudha Rai recently spoke on Instagram about her periods of celibacy ldquoIrsquom in my 40srdquo she told this newspaper ldquoand have had periods of celibacy in my 30s and 40s that lasted months or even years I must add that I am very sensual and hedonistic I love visiting spas going for massages taking care of my skin wearing red lipstick keeping my nails long and wearing sexy clothes I just havenrsquot been into sexrdquoThat this pressure to be a singleminded sexual creature is special seems more apparent to women It was mostly cis het women who volunteered to talk to us All sexes would certainly have this experience but canrsquot help but wonder if cis het homosexual and trans men feel the pressure to be constantly virile even more Are you even a man if you are not thinking of sex every few minutesOne of Rairsquos periods of abstinence came after she had sex ldquounder societal pressurerdquo When alone she was surprised to find that she didnrsquot miss sex ldquoOne phase revealed to me that I like celibacy which is contrary to what the world tells youmdashthat you need sex like you need food and waterrdquoIn most communities culture and religion dictate and sanction our sexual life its frequency and intensity ldquoWe have a very linear sexual narrativerdquo says Bhat ldquothat you are asexual sexless or sexually repressed for a long time during puberty then after 1819 get married have lots of sex to reproduce one after the other and by 40 45 go back to being asexual This is not true to lived experiencesrdquoThe IT professional found that ldquoI cannot get physically intimate without being emotionally involved I also realised that I am stuck in my past relationship and this state will continue infinitely So I decided that sex was overrated and gave uprdquo She candidly wonders if this is a case of sour grapesRai finds ldquoimmense peacerdquo in her celibate phases ldquoI miss intimacy and affection more than sex and that sex without the two is animalistic athletic like a sport and not very enjoyablerdquoThe animal welfare worker was left dissatisfied when sex did not automatically lead to emotional intimacy which she assumed would follow ldquoI was used to the going handinhand because my first experience of sexual intimacy sealed the fate that I would build a life with that manrdquo she says ldquoBut in the modern dating scene I felt that I was auditioning for sexual compatibilityrdquoOne of the aspects that left her discontent was the impetus to discover other mutually enjoyable activities that may not be romanticldquoThere is a strong societal emphasis on sexual relationships as markers of adulthood and fulfilmentrdquo says Mallya ldquoThe decision to be celibate can reflect a natural rhythm an introspective phase where an individual seeks to understand themselves outside the context of romantic relationshipsThis aspect of human experience is not always widely discussed perhaps because it runs counter to dominant cultural narratives that equate sexual activity with happiness or successrdquo Think how often a nice suit or perfume is sold to a man with the promise that it will magnetise women to himThe celibacy proponents say they are spending this time on what Mallya calls ldquomeaning makingrdquo as per the theories of Austrian neurologist and psychologist Viktor Frankl from places of deep introspection and inner transformation ldquoOlder adults may use this time to reflect on their lives find deeper purpose and achieve a sense of integrityrdquo she says Other demographics also ldquoexperience significant inner transformation as the brain forms new neural connections focused on emotional regulationCognitivebehavioural changes lead to greater mindfulness and a reevaluation of personal valuesrdquoMost of the women who volunteered to speak to us agreed that they found they needed an emotional bedrock for sexual activity The animal welfare workerrsquos solution was to marry deep friendship with sexual activity ldquoI made a friend who shared my values of sex being a private consensual pleasure not a notch on the bedpost to be announcedrdquo she says ldquoWe feel safe with each other to share a bed without actively pursuing a romantic relationship outside itrdquo Their only rule is to let the other go if they fall into other relationshipsmdashsexual or romanticMallya offers the perspective that from a psychoanalytic perspective celibacy allows for the sublimation of sexual energy into creative or spiritual pursuits ldquoThis can help resolve internal conflicts and integrate unconscious material into conscious awareness It also promotes a more coherent and resilient sense of selfmdasha peaceful integrated and purposedriven inner liferdquoThere are downsides too according to Mallya such as a diminished sense of closeness or disconnection from others in a society that values romantic and sexual relationships It could also be a way to avoid underlying fears feelings of inadequacy or anxietyldquoI am not actively dating and go months without sexrdquo says the animal rescuer ldquoI want to design my lifemdashwhere I want to live how I want to live whom to allow in and to what degree my recreational activities and even daily rhythms I want to know who I am and I feel stronger recognising that I can be alone Itrsquos nurturing my soul and selfrdquo A party for one