How guidelines at school can help parents and kids navigate divorce amicably

For Janice Goveas her biggest challenge is having to shield her 10yearold son from all the ldquonoiserdquo Her son who is autistic hasnrsquot seen his father in four years And while that hardly affects both of them subtle reminders about the lack of a parent at school can be upsetting ldquoI have not changed his name but each time the school sends across a form they demand signatures of both parents even though I have told them about my situationrdquo says the media professional ldquoI donrsquot want my child to experience trauma every time he has to fill up a formrdquoGoveasrsquo concerns are valid Itrsquos hard enough for a child to witness their parents go through a divorce but to be reminded of it every day is worse she thinksSwati Popat Vats the president of Podar Education Network and president of the Early Childhood Association ECA an association for primary education and research says schools do demand consent of both parents ldquoBut thatrsquos because our priority is our students If a case of divorce comes up we simply ask for court ordersrdquo she saysPamela Mendonsa Swati Popat Vats Taubon Iran and Vani ReddyWhile India is said to have the lowest divorce rate globallymdashat around 11 per centmdashin the past few years the country is seeing divorce rates rise by 5060 per cent especially in urban pockets The bad news is that most divorces can get ugly playing out not just in the court of law but also at schoolsKusum Kanwar is the managing director of Kandivlibased Mindful Activity Preschool She says that very often schools give in to wrong practices unknowingly ldquoThey favour the parent who is constantly in touch with the school and cut communication with the other onerdquo says Kanwar who is part of the ECA She has also faced threats and legal cases from parents for not taking out the other parent from communicationsUnfavourable conditions at home are usually visible in the school says Fr Dr Francis Swamy principal at St Maryrsquos ICSE School Mazagaon ldquoWe notice it in the childrsquos lunch box uniform or even hisher behaviour in classrdquo He adds that itrsquos the responsibility of the parents to report all major changes in their kidrsquos life He says ldquoSome do that but others want to keep it private and refrain from sharingrdquo According to Vani Reddy principal of RBK International School Bhayandar if schools are kept in the loop ldquoschool counsellors parents and teachers can work together to help the child healrdquoAn Andheribased single mum who has the physical custody of her 10yearold daughter said she informed the school about the status of her relationship which made the transition easier for her child ldquoThe teachers were noticing changes in her She would get startled on hearing loud noises and be lost in her thoughts It helped when we counselled herrdquo She has been coparenting her daughter for four years and both the parents are equally part of their childrsquos life She admits that the process has been tedious and took a lot of effort ldquoWersquove had to figure the finances and set similar ground rules regardless of where she stays The effort has been worth itrdquoPamela Mendonsa school counsellor of RBK International School says that if a child of parents who are divorced or separated is not handled carefully it could take a huge toll on their mental health ldquoThey wonrsquot feel safe in any condition They will go through extreme emotions and even blame themselvesrdquo Kanwar adds ldquoStrong feelings at such an early age hinders their ability to learn and growrdquoFor schools to keep up with the coparenting plans of the parents there needs to be a set procedure or guidelines shares Vats The ECA has prepared a child guardianship policy to make the process seamless The policy among other things mentions the nittygritties of coparenting in schools Several schools follow the guidelines of the ECA The guidelines also suggest submitting certain documents and undertakings ldquoKnowing the entire picture of what a student may be going through at home helps us connect the dots and address attendance issues behavioural problems and affected grades effectivelyrdquo says ReddyMrunalini Deshpande a family court advocate however feels that itrsquos not the schoolrsquos responsibility to institute guidelines related to coparenting ldquoThatrsquos the courtrsquos jobrdquo Advocate Taubon Irani a family law specialist says that when it comes to keeping one parent out of school communication itrsquos important that therersquos a court or restraining order mentioning it specifically ldquoIf there is such a restraining order the schools should supervise the pickup and dropping of the studentrdquo According to her there have been cases of noncustodial parents picking up children leading to a lot of litigationVats says that admitting kids whose parents are divorced is a huge responsibility Every case is different and needs a proper method to deal with it ldquoEach case needs to be handled with carerdquo At present say educators schools that have not figured how to deal with divorce cases avoid admitting students with single parents They should figure out a plan B instead