Why India rejected the Bhabhi doll

None of this would have happened if they hadnrsquot made that movie You know the one I mean that pinktinted candyfloss tribute to the allAmerican blonde babydoll BarbieLike any good emerging global superpower India stood up and said wtf How dare the decadent West impose its superficial inferior womanhood on our ancient cultureMost of you would not have heard of the behindthescenes chaos triggered by the movie Barbie The ruling party convened a special session of Parliament where the main question was what is Indiarsquos answer to Barbie for elevating Indian womanhood the way Barbie glorifies the vacuous American blondeSome Opposition members shouted that they would not tolerate this objectification of the Indian female but the MP from Gorakhpur from the ruling party was already ploughing aheadldquoWe donrsquot need Barbierdquo he declared ldquoWe have our own and shersquos called BhabhirdquoThe Bhabhi doll was an instantaneous hit The member from Wardha suggested that Indiarsquos first such doll should be called KQ Bhabhi ldquoIn our glorious tradition Bhabhiji is the queen of the kitchen Here she lovingly prepares hot food for her lord and master her husbandrdquoOther ideas tumbled out fast and furiousThe Adjust Bhabhi forever compliant to the wishes of her lord and master as well as his mother would come with symbolically flexible limbs that could be bent and twisted into any angle as well as a home wear Tshirt with the slogan Bends but never breaksThe MP from Dudhwa jumped to his feet to put forward the Fair amp Lovely Bhabhi with several adjustable skin tones all on the light end of the skin spectrum ldquoShe will be wheatish complexioned from head to toe and soft like creamrdquoThe man in orange who had been listening without speaking so far stood up now The chamber fell silentldquoYou are forgetting our sanskriti our parampara our itihasic rivajrdquo he said not raising his voice even a little ldquoOur scriptures are very clear about the ideal Indian womanrdquo He sat downWithin minutes the Sanskari Bhabhi had been proposed and accepted She would come dressed demurely in a sari eyes permanently lowered pallu drawn over her head Accessories would include the prayer thali in her hands with an aarti permanently lit by an LED bulbAs MPs warmed to the new theme ideas flew thick and fastldquoBhabhiji is a goddess she enters her marital home bringing good fortunerdquo said the MP from Dhule birthing the GKL Bhabhi doll Just married and representing the Ghar ki Lakshmi her accessories would include a suitcase full of dowry cash a Vespa scooter for her loving husband and a tote bag of jewellery for hersistersinlawThis was when a delegation of angry women mainly from Manipur but also including firebrands from Bengal Karnataka Delhi Andhra Pradesh and Kerala began to boo and hiss Their leader stood up and spoke ldquoWe demand an additional Bhabhi doll for the woman who cannot afford to pay dowry She will be called the Thirddegree Bhabhi after the thirddegree burns she will receive when her inlaws discover she is no goddess after all Accessories will include a Ronson lighter matches and some lighter fuelrdquoThis caused a tremendous pother among all the assembled men irrespective of political affiliation Shouts of ldquoSit downrdquo ldquoShut uprdquo and ldquoGo back to the kitchenrdquo were heard But there was no stopping the women nowIn quick succession the following were tabledmdashThe Baby Bhabhi pushed into marriage before she has finished Class 10 to be sold dressed in her school uniform a bunch of textbooks in her handsThe TripleT Bhabhi enveloped from head to toe in a black burqa with an accessory mobile phone programmed to only receive terminaltripletalaq messagesThe NoMeansNo Bhabhi with a flashing LED sign on her forehead and a canister of mustard gas in her hands Accessories would include a gang of pursuing thugs who cannot read EnglishThe sitting MP from Varanasi infuriated announced the Protest Bhabhi who wasted everyonersquos time blocking traffic and demanding the death penalty for rapists and justice for abused womenThe normally dignified speaker of the House built on the theme and proposed the Revenge Bhabhi a bride required to marry her rapist who would be included asan accessoryThe hall erupted in rowdy male laughter crossing party lines until a woman spoke clear and strong ldquoWe demand in that case that the Revenge Bhabhirsquos rapist husband come with a noose around his neckrdquoThis was roughly when it became clear that no version of a female doll would ever work in a market that reveres women as much as Indian men do The gentleman in orange had wise words ldquoWe cherish our women and protect them The face the world needs to see is not of our delicate docile Bhabhis but the strong honourable courageous men who keep them saferdquoThe Hari Harami doll Indiarsquos Ken will go on sale around Diwali Accessories will include a Bhabhi doll mouth gagged and feet shackled and a GetOutofJailFree cardYou can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopigmailcomSend your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paper