Men think I’m flirting with them

Illustration/Uday Mohite

I sometimes wonder if men I speak to just misunderstand what I am saying because I am very polite. They just think I am flirting with them, and this leads to a lot of stuff that I would rather not deal with. I try and make my intentions clear, but it always causes some awkwardness when they realise I am just nice and not really interested in them. How do I draw these boundaries from the start? I can't think of any other way to make myself more specific?
You shouldn't have to doubt yourself just because the people you speak to don't get what you're saying. If you are clear about boundaries, and there is misinterpretation on their part, the problem lies with them and not you. I suggest you find a way of going easy on yourself and expect a certain amount of awkwardness from people who are immature. This is unfair, of course, but it won't happen all the time because you won't constantly surround yourself with men who can't differentiate between politeness and flirtation. You will also get better at recognising the signs. If that doesn't work, ditch the small talk and get straight to the point. Sometimes, that's the only way to get your message across; being nice is not always a good thing.

My boyfriend never compliments me and is always so matter-of-fact while chatting that it feels like I'm speaking to an older person or a lecturer. How do I get him to lighten up?
If it's a personality trait, you can't do much about it. if this spills over into real life, however, you should talk about what works and doesn't work for you both, because that is how you build bonds and start to understand each other better. If you would like to be complimented more, don't be shy about asking for it, until he gets the message and recognises that being supportive of a partner is important. Give it some time and patience.

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